Consumed by endless thoughts.p

I feel consumed, my thoughts I should say feel consumed. As a writer my mind rarely stops, it’s hard to explain to someone whose mind ticks a way at a normal rate, that mine, never stops. I analyse my every thought, my every word, every decision I make has had hours of thought. Generally this comes as easy to me as breathing. But I feel today like a major traffic jam has occured in my head, not one line of thought, but several. I hope that by sharing them I can start the process of unravelling them and letting them go. I’ve been writing for days with no such luck, just a handful of unfinished poems created from unfinished thoughts. So, what is it that is consuming my thoughts…
1. Someone told me I need to impress them, my reaction? I wasn’t put on this earth to impress others, I do not care, at all, what others think of me. If they feel a need to judge me in some way then they are not for me. But what they are right, what if I am too soft forbthis world, what if I do need to get tougher to fight dor a place in society.
2. What the fuck is love anyway. I know right, nothing like a little philosophical thought at bedtime. But really what is love, and can ‘love’ truly be used to describe our feelings towards people. Is love enough? Take soul mates and twin flames for example is love enough of a description for the feelings involved? And valentines day, am I alone in thinking that valentines day is a stupid day, surely you should show love every single day. Someone told me that there is a bridge in paris, and cambridge I think where lovers can throw the key to a padlock signed with their initials into the water….see now thats romantic, fuck flowers from the supermarket, give me real love any day, i just gotta figure out what real love is first.
3. Spiritual journey, that sounds like such religious gibbledy gooch, but since the day I put pen to paper my life has changed, my path changed direction and i saw the world in a new way. I am learning to listen to my gut (i won a tenner on scratch cards the other day cos my gut was screaming at me to buy two scratch cards, i only ever buy them when i get a gut instinct and i always win, small but always win, anyway boom the second card was the tenner :-)) Anyway, my instinct, my thoughts and my dreams are screaming for me to take a final step that makes no sense to me.
4. How the hell do people work, be mums, housewifes and find time for themselves.
5. I feel like i am losing my identity, like i am supposed to reach out for the new one, but the new one is scary.
6. Life feels like it is going too fast, and I feel like i am winging it, but my gut is saying to embrace it, it is all stuff I am capable of.
7. I want to wear purple knickers for work, but can’t find the right purple ones, I think I want shorts with thrills across the bum. I want a bit of my personality each and every day.
8. I have to wear my hair tied back for work everyday, it makes me feel exposed, I know I have to learn to accept it, I deserve to be seen, and I wear my hair down as a shield to hide behind.
9. I feel lost and yet I feel found.
So many thoughts they are consuming me, no answers in sight and yet my mind refuses to let them go. I know the universe helps me a long the way, directs me where I need to go, where I need to be. I know that some questions can not be answered in words, some I must simply trust in, but trust is an amazingly decietful emotion. Since I was a child i’ve been able to pick up on other peoples energy, I can feel the lies that they say, the pretence, for a long time I blocked it out completely I was living in a life filled with hate and lies, I no longer block it, I control it, I can control my reaction to every emotion except kindness and love, these energies come through to me in a confused way, which add further confusion to me, I guess its been so long since ive known kindness, my mind is constantly looking for the ulterior motive. I stopped.looking now, and started believing instead, which is why my mind is at a cross road, to believe I need to let go of the last strand and reveal the part of me that is most vulnerable, the part of me that is truly niave, I know it is the next step of my path, my dreams constantly tell me, my thoughts constantly tell me, my instinct constantly.reassures me, but none of it tells me how the fuck to do it!

You are too me.

You are the clearest,
You have ever been,
So clear that I know,
what all of this means.
You are my smile,
As the morning sun
Creeps into my sky,
The falling moon
Whispering goodbye.
You are my thoughts
As darkness calls,
Comfort unseen
Only felt in my dreams.
You are the belief
In the dead of the night,
When alone and afraid
In a life that i made.
You are a gift,
From the universe,
For my spirit that
To break my curse.
You are all that I am,
Nothing and more.
You are the whispers
On the breeze,
the laughter i need.
You’re a star in my life,
A light in my dark,
The twinkle in my eye,
The clouds in my sky,
the rain on my face,
the hope in my days.
You are,
You always are,
You’ll always be,
I am forever honoured,
That you are a so much to me.

Watch me as the moon cuts my final ties.

Lay your body close to mine,
My fingers entwined in yours.
Watch as my eyes close,
Locking out the world.
Listen as my heart beats softly.
Let me rest
My head upon your chest,
My arms across your naked body,
Lips soft on your neck.
Hold me,
Hold me as i hold you back,
Hold me as i fall asleep,
In trust,
Hold me, as i let go, of the single strand,
That holds me back,
On this scary life track.

The calm from through storm.

Tired, frustrated, lost in a sea of mess,
body desperately, craving rest.
No time to pause
And see the clause,
Hidden beneath the tracks,
That slowly,
Burning sun, pink clouds and a forever sky,
Truth spoken without lies.
Fatigue creeping through my body,
Finally I see.
All actions have a reason,
the universe never commits,
New freinds, from unknown faces,
found in brand new places.
Fresh views to push my news,
Courage in a tangled web of life,
Showing me, how to use the knife.

Thoughts of an ancient heart.

things pop into my head,
Things that I have done,
Things that I have said.
I wonder why they were,
What led me to that choice,
why all of a sudden,
I raised my gentle voice.
What was it that I saw,
I ask myself again,
Eyes firmly on the floor,
when you were a simple name.
Or was it in the words,
That fell upon my mind,
What was it that I heard,
to recognise my kind.
And if it wasn’t what I saw,
and it wasn’t what I heard,
Then what made me open up,
That broken, battered door.
So I think about it all,
What led me through the days,
What left me feeling muddled,
In an unknown haze.
And that’s when I see,
It wasn’t what I saw,
It wasn’t what you said,
It was the recognition,
of an ancient memory,
Deep inside my head.

Remembering who I am.

With so many things happening around me I feel that I am losing a sense of myself. This is the very ‘self’ that I have worked tirelessly to rediscover, and the thought of losing sight of it is devastatingly cruel. I’ve spent days thinking about ways that will allow me to keep my identity in a society that seems so bloody hell bent of stripping me of all originality. I haven’t found the answer. I have discovered that even though I don’t know the words to many songs, and I don’t like bands, forget buying me an album it’ll stay in its little plastic wrapper gathering dust. I love music, I love the lyrics they resonate with me, they remind me of the past, they make me think of the future. Music is part of my soul, a part of me. Today i’m gonna share this song…

I love this song, the beat, the words, the memories. Everything about this song makes my soul sing.

This song reminds me of when I was a teenager, one specific guy, a wanna be biker who thought he was the bees knees.

I was maybe 15 he was 17/18. He had all the charm and a bike to match. A nice bike, a very nice bike all chrome and black he clearly thought he was gods gift as he rode along the country roads. Of course I was fooled by him at first, who wouldn’t be? He turned out to be a typical poser looking for a trophy on the end of his arm. He’d take me out on the bike to bars and show off his gothic girlfriend. I was young and impressionable, but I wasn’t stupid. It didn’t take long for the real him to appear, telling me to dress a certain way, wear my hair, just, like, this. Well we’d been dating a few weeks when he decided to make a pass at a close friend of mine. We had a show down, in a supermarket car park. I thought that was the end of it all. I got drunk with friends, laughed and forgot all about him, Till I got home. There on my couch balling his eyes out to my Dad was this guy. Telling my Dad that I was the love of his life, asking my Dad for my hand in marriage. Crying because mean old me had dumped him. My Dad looked up at me, asked what happened, I told him. I swear I felt the air turn blue and a static charge fill the air as my Dad laughed, and laughed and continued laughing, until finally telling the guy to ‘fuck off outta here you fucking cry baby, you wanna grow yaself a pair balls mate!’ Ha ha ha my Dad rocks!

I hear so many people saying that they wish they could forget the memories of the past, but, the memories are what keep me alive, they remind of who I am and who I am not. They are a key part of my evolution.

Upon the bridge.

I’ll meet you there,
Beneath the morning flame,
With mist clinging
To my skin.
When all is done,
With no reason to run,
When the path is clear,
And the time
Is near.
I’ll met you there.
Till then our paths are
Exploring aspects
Of each others mind.
As friendship grows,
From seeds we sow,
As our steps
Become our journey,
As we learn to see
The hidden path,
Behind the scarf,
That writes itself
In the tears we lose,
The blood that falls,
And the dust,
From our tumbling walls.
I’ll meet you there,
My path leads and your path leads,
toward our physical needs.
I’ll meet you there,
when the time is ours,
When each
Slips into place,
No matter how many days,
I’ll meet you there.