Do you know when you have so many thoughts in your head that they refuse to form into coherent sentences, that’s where I’m at right now, so I thought i would free write them all out.
My daughter fell over at school this week, running in the playground. It should have been a simple fall, stinging hands and slightly grazed knees. It wasn’t. She didn’t get her hands out quick enough to stop the fall, so instead she has a swollen face, swollen nose, cut lip, grazes spread across her beautiful face, and knees that are torn apart. It broke me. The school are in a catizzle because she didnt put out her hands, i’ve been telling them this for years, and they choose now to notice. She, the gal, being the problem solver she is, has a simple solution to the problem….don’t run, not ever, she is never going to run again, and i’d like to think this is a child’s empty threats, but they’re not, for her never running again is the solution. It should end there, the fall has happened and war wounds created, but it doesn’t, her dressings on her battered knees need changing daily. The unknown causes her more fear than anything else, this coupled with her inability to locate certain pains, means that what she is feeling is intense and scary, she is scared, confused and in pain. And as I cleaned the cut, her howling in pain I remembered, I remembered how it feels to be helpless. I felt completely helpless. And I remembered the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy were the reasons I didn’t believe I was capable of becoming a mum or a good mum at least.
So a simple every day experience broke me, I crumbled, all the strength I have fell to the ground as she screamed in pure panic. And perhaps it’s the realisation that I am still capable of breaking, or the knowledge that I am vulnerable that worries me, i’m not sure, I just know that I am not strong I have a weakness that can break me.