A mothers voice in chaos.

♥ For Emily-Rose, always I will be your voice.

 

Dear Teacher,

They tell me to empower you to show you the way

to tell you the things that you really should say.

They tell me to stay calm and use positive words

but surely you know the definition of these terms.

Individuals you say you treat them the same

a contradiction of words your excuses are lame.

But you know best, you learned from a book

and just a few years is all it took.

You’ve seen it before you’ll see it again

these kids to you are simply a pain.

They need this, they need that

and fidget constantly where they are sat.

They’re calm, they’re a whirlwind, a tornado of sorts

and no one really knows what’s in those thoughts.

So hard to reach

so hard to teach,

so listen now to a mothers speech.

Listen to me and you’ll hear her voice

anxiety is not her choice.

She doesn’t choose to with hold

or do exactly what she’s told.

She isn’t all smiles and happy and love

why can’t you see she finds school tough?

Open your eye’s and watch how she flies,

can’t you see how much she tries?

she mimics the world but the clues are there

please, just show her that you actually care.

Do as you tell and look as you see

be the person you want her to be.

Don’t tell her you will, you can and it’s done

her fears are real not a bit of fun.

I know she’s a mouse in a black hole of silence

but the anxiety she feels is an internal violence.

Stop looking past, over and through

show her that she can trust you.

Each day I stand back and watch her walk

knowing she’s spending another day unable to talk.

You’ll utter across her avoiding her eyes,

‘why didn’t tell me? Why?’

Your tone has gone up, your body has moved

gone is the voice all tender and smooth.

She did wrong, she did wrong and doesn’t know why

her tears are swelling she just wants to cry.

But you hold that stare, the one filled with fear

waiting for the answer to suddenly appear.

The answer to what? The why’s and the hows

forgotten by the now’s?

Why am I telling you this

you trained for years to become their Miss.

Why every few months are we here once again

whatever I tell you, it ain’t gonna change.

So I take a deep breath and think of glitter

trying to push back the emotional bitter.

I smile and talk and go through the list

hoping to God there’s nothing I’ve missed.

You’ll nod and agree and say you can see

this is reality, the way it will always be.

 

Karen Hayward ©2015

 

Coke and wine.

I hear the wine flowing and the glasses chink

as you miss the table and hit the sink.

Mother and daughter addictions together

thrown in the garden whatever the weather.

You talk above the same old songs, and I wonder

if you know that your behavouir is wrong

or that there’s a rat in your kitchen running a mock

it’s a matter of time, tick fucking tock.

As predictable as the sun that moves the dial

smeared face and blood shot eyes is your style.

Mother dearest your spirit is broke

I saw this in your face the moment we spoke.

Fuck this and fuck that ‘cos the world is so screwed

but you never consider that the problem starts with you.

Ten green bottles sitting on the wall

every single night I hear them fall.

A knock at the door and the bed springs go

Daughter dearest, do you think we don’t know?

You sing as it moves to cover the sound

to hide the white powder,  another round?

Your a tight knit unit all full of love

broken souls that are fucked up and stuff.

Excited greetings and laughing galore

filling the glasses who wants more?

Voices go up voices go down

I can actually hear when you’re wearing your frown.

The music begins and everyone sings

till the spiteful tongue brings out its sting.

Tears are falling and the mask no longer fits

true colours shining none of you give a shit.

The lamp is broke, the glasses shattered

not that any that truly mattered.

You scream you push, so much pressure

you lose the very thing you pretend to treasure.

Flashing lights and a friendly face

an easy call for them to trace,

again today, again tomorrow

mother and daughter full of so much sorrow.

 

Karen Hayward ©2015

 

 

 

 

Release.

The finger tapping sound of frustration constantly drumming in my blood.

My body stings for the release of these non negotiable feelings that

hinder me so.

Locked inside a cage, flaming red spilling down the bars as they vibrate on a personal frequency.

Let me out of these restraints. Come closer let me feel you there.

This need just keeps on growing a distraction of the mind.

To make up to feel to touch to see to have us be.

To utter nothing but the screams of passion. To feel nothing

but the pounding throb of satisfaction. Empty me, empty my

thoughts and replace them with your touch. Peel away my tiredness

and replace it with your sensual energy. Take away this need that

I have to devour you, give yourself to me. Lay naked with me beneath

the dying stars. Trail the moons loving light across my skin with

with your soft and tender lips. For a moment, a moment in time

that cannot be taken, a pause between the worlds. Gently guide

my thoughts through this mind field of destruction. Take me, take

me there to that place where I can scream as waves of pleasure

release me from these chains of life. Take me, take away what I

cannot do and replace it with what I can.

 

Karen Hayward ©2015.

 

 

 

 

I see it now, I never did

the reason why I never hid.

It’s more than bodies

it’s pent up release.

The things I hold the things I tell

they need a place for me to yell.

Naked skin and deep raw sex

works for me the very best.

Screaming words and pleasant pain

so much to lose so much to gain.

But take it slow, lead me in

make it pure, pure as sin.

Remove my clothes remove my thoughts

show me yours, it’s what I sought.

Then take my hand, place it there

and use your tongue to show you care.

 

 

Karen Hayward © 2015

 

What tears us down?

What tears us down?

Is it the world or our own infidelity towards ourselves?

What makes us feel anger when in reality another persons actions rarely has any direct impact on us?

What makes us feel fear when every day of our lives we face the ultimate fear of death?

Is the world really to blame for our indiscretions or are we?

If on Friday 13th of any given month I were to walk under a ladder whilst smashing a mirror because a black cat crossed my path, would I really wind up with years upon years of bad luck? Or would I just feel a little silly for carrying a mirror in my hand whilst out walking and so busy day dreaming that I tripped on a cat?

Can we really blame the world when things go wrong?

Is it the worlds fault that we have single people in it?

Is it really so bad to be whole without another half? Is love really the be all and end all of this adventure we lead until we return to the ground? Why do we allow heart ache, we cannot at any point control another persons emotions, but in what way does that make it our fault? Are we really doomed because we are so busy loving everyone that we forget to love ourselves?

What is the meaning of life and why are we here?

If love is the reason for our being, if the searching and finding of our soul mate is the only purpose of this journey, then should we not die on point of contact? Should we not see them across a crowded room, touch them, kiss them and then fall into them as our beating hearts stop. Forever. And if this is not the true purpose of our lives then why does the world stop turning for so many when their soul mate has a different path to theirs? Who is to blame for this indiscretion? The lover? The world? It is said that two souls are destined to find each other, so why do people continue to believe that their soul mate exists, but are living a different life?

If soulmates are real then so are the angels that watch them. Is the world to blame when you cannot trust that your angels will direct you correctly?

Who is to blame when I am pushed into a corner and my emotions run wild? The world that pushed me there? Or is it me. Am I the cause and effect of my own stampede of indiscretion.

If I am the owner of the love that I share, of the lust that I feel, of the happiness that I throw back into the world, then surely I too am the owner of my pessimistic views? Surely I too own my spiteful tongue and hate fueled fury?

Why do we spend so much time fearing what makes us whole? Does the world dictate that such feelings are invalid? That to feel these things some how makes you less of a human?

What tears us down? The world? Or is it us? Do we place unavoidable obstacles in our own way? Do we believe that life is magical and yet constantly strive to find a scientific explanation for our emotions?

What tears us down, the world? Or is it the indiscretions toward ourselves, our very own infidelity, that breaks us?

 

Karen Hayward (copyright) 2015.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

List ten songs that you’re loving right now. 30 day writing challenge.

Okay guys this is day 7 of the writing challenges. You can find my original post here. This is an interesting question because my music tastes are dependent on my mood and the mood I want to be having! I can absolutely love a song and will listen to it on repeat for days, weeks even, and yet i’ll not like the artist or the album. For me it is all about that one song that is playing to me. It’s about the beat, the sound and mostly the lyrics. I like music that sings to my soul, I like music that dances through my soul.

Oh music, music music. Ten songs that i’m loving right now. I’m a very indecisive kinda person and I’m not always fully aware of myself, so, I decided I would ask hubby and my daughter what songs they felt I listen to a lot….”the same song, over and over, seriously it’s like you get up pick a song and whack repeat!”…ooops!!

Okay so this mornings ‘repeat’ song, this was also yesterdays repeat song, in fact this song gets whacked on repeat at the very least once a month. She’s always a woman to me. Fyfe Dangerfield.

 

and next in line is…the lazy song, because in life we all need that one song that say’s fuck you world today I swear I ain’t doing anything :).

 

Song number three is…oh dear God I gotta go check my youtube history!

Okay, I love this song, I absolutely love the cheesiness to it, I love the beat, I love the concept.

 

Okay song number four! It’s getting difficult now. It would seem everyone is right, I just listen to the same songs over and over and over again! On youtube I have a playlist that I use for when I’m writing, I created a couple of years ago when I was doing nanowrimo, so let’s have a quick look through that and see which songs I always go back to.

 

Song number six! I almost forgot this song, Iris, Goo Goo dolls. I love this song beyond words.  For me this is the ultimate love song and I love the video!

 

 

Song number seven, no reason, just simply loving the lyrics to this song.

 

Okay, actually this might be the best love song ever. This is such an intense love song. I love it, I love the words so much. Song number eight!

 

Song number nine!

 

and number ten! So hard to choose which Cyndi Lauper song though because I love them all, but this one, for some reason has always held a special spot for me.

 

I always find it a little odd to sit back and take a closer look at my music tastes as I don’t feel they reflect me, they do obviously they do, but I often find people are surprised by my tastes and mainly by my love of love songs. I actually love all things love related, especially love songs!

 

Karen Hayward (copyright 2015)

 

Winter darkness.

IMG_20151123_090252

The frost seeps into my finger tips

as my mind tears open and rips.

Frost lays across the top of cars

the sky is looking less angrily dark.

I search for the moon for her haunting stare

to know for a second that she looks down and cares.

I search and look but the sky lays dark

apart from the lonely northern star.

What are the skies without the moon?

A darkness that envelopes to soon.

Karen Hayward (copyright) 2015. Image and words.