• Have had to remind the daughter that I cannot be shouting from room to room, she has tears in her eyes and my heart is breaking cos i used the tough girl voice, but its one of the few times i have to put myself first. Can feel jaw tightening from the mornings hallway screams as a form of communicating!! lol
  • Girls want pizza, I agree to look in the cupboards.
  • The girls want to swap toys. I say no, it causes to much upset.
  • They ask again.
  • And again.
  • I go stand guard at the toilet door. Daughter has realised if her friend cant see then she doesn’t to close the toilet door I make a mental note to have a chat about this.
  • Make coffee again, pour the old cod, cold again into the sink.
  • Start writing this post.
  • Become aware that my ears are really burning.
  • I stop to read a message. It makes me think.
  • I go back to the post, my mind wanders to the sunrise.
  • Asked about another toy.
  • Had to shout down the hall again, am feeling a little annoyed, it’s automatic for me to respond, I know i’m as much to blame right now.
  • Asked about teddy clothes. Have to get the teddy clothes box down and open.
  • Then have tears as a change of plans to what toy to take, I remind them I can say no.
  • Asked again about pizza.
  • I agree to pizza toast.
  • Write some more of this.
  • Get another message, pause for a moment to read them.
  • Am aware that messages can sometimes sound so very cold and distant. I wonder what it is they really think.
  • See to the girls.
  • respond to a message.
  • write some more of this.
  • stop and read again. respond.
  • 12:44 pm I post the first section of this.
  • I respond to one message.
  • Have to tell daughter again not to shout me from another room.
  • Girls appeared at kitchen door, starving! Pizza toast is cooking.
  • pretty sure i have hit repeat on youtube about ten times now, still not entirely sure what song i am listening to.
  • Asked for the millionth time to find a box for a toy pony with no horn or wings.
  • Wants to curl up in a ball and make the world stop for five minutes.
  • 1:26 pm. The girls are eating ♥.
  • Need to eat myself, but have no energy to make something. Haven’t eaten yet today. Usually would grab a bowl of cereal, but gave the last to daughter this morning. I think about whether I could just eat a bowl of avocado. Am still, pondering this thought.
  • Am still thinking about the messages. Wonders where the distance came from, on both sides.
  • Thinking about responding, wondering if I should eat first, or get more coffee. Decide to just sit and listen to music for 5 minutes.
  • Start thinking about pain killers. Bleurgh will have to eat something so i grab a handful of grapes.
  • 1:33 pm I got 7 minutes.
  • I see to the girls, go wee, then pop into the bath room and flash blast the bath. I’m still thinking, the last part has got stuck on repeat in my head and I wonder what my purpose has now become.
  • 1:45 pm. And I m hating this blog post.
  • The girls are hungry still. I make them fruit and drinks!

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