I love it all.


When I was young, I truly knew what it was to love. To swim

dreamily in and out of childish fantasies, bathed in the golden

rays of an eternal sun. I loved it all. The searing heat of summers

that begged to never end and the cold frost of winter that clawed

through to my soul. I loved it all. I loved each person I met in differing

degrees, some I loved for a day, some for an eternity.

I loved to talk. To strangers, to people I had known my entire life,

to people I would never see again. I would never know their name.

I loved to sing as I walked, skipped, ran and jumped. To sing so

loud people would stop and stare. I didn’t care.

I loved to stay awake all night, to watch as the moon ruled the

skies, her light showing us the dying…

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Nightmare within seconds of sleep.

I could still feel the soft fur of the teddy I had propped beneath my head as a makeshift pillow. I was slipping into darkness. I could feel the deep void pulling me forward as I fought to keep control over the slither of mattress I was precariously balancing on. A moment of triumph as I succeed through the haze of sleep. Then I am talking, I am typing, I am awake on the bed and in need of moving. The cover is suddenly pulled over my head and I am spun by unseen forces. I cannot break the cycle. I am dragged in circles beneath the covers in a desperate dark and I cannot move. I feel the gravity around me change as I am spun at speed. My heart beat rises and I repeat and repeat and repeat. This is not real. This is not real. I whisper in my mind to stay calm. This is not real, this is a dream. The spinning slows. I am able to move my fingers and toes as I pull myself from the void. I force my eyes to open. It was not real I whisper to myself as I quickly rise from the bed. This was not real.

Karen Hayward ©2016.

Hi, I mean hey, I mean let’s play!

I mean Hi,
I mean you have eyes
the colour of the sky.
I know this and we both
know why.
I’m shy.
But every time I see you, I try.
I mean hey,
So great to see you again
Is there really anything for us to say?
‘Hey, how’s you, all good, okay.
Perhaps I’ll see you at the park later, to play.’
Dear God do I pray
On this fine, fine day.
Hey, I mean Hi,
You’re my gift of desire as I walk to the school,
those eyes, deep blue pools,
I wonder do you have charisma, a players tool.
Just a little glance, so I still look cool,
You’re already looking, phew I don’t look a fool.
Still, chin up, try not to drool,
Wish someone would tell me the bloody rules.
Hi, I mean hey, I mean, I give you a smile
As its been a while
And we both know in reality, this is our style,
Hey, blue eyes
My summer sky,
One day, we will say Hi.

Karen Hayward ©2016

Sphere of doom.

It’s too late, we’ve already created the next generation of nonsensical beings.
They are among us procreating the future.
Actions according to sight, fight or flight.
The obvious lost in the depths of oblivion.
Mass breeding of the blind that have tunnel vision sight.
We’re fucked with a bright red tick.
Individualised beyond concept unable to even perceive the unseen.
Millions of branded humans walking the earth locked in an egotistical sphere of self.
Multi dimensional worlds guarded by paperwork, red ticks and the purblind.


Karen Hayward 2016©

Let me love you.

For just a moment let me surrender

myself to you and lose all inhibitions.

Let me fall. Let me fall into the depths of hell,

fires raging in my soul. Ignite me with

your very eyes as passion builds.

Let me love you.

Let me forget who it is I have become so

that I can simply be. For a moment,

let me be the only other occupant of

this planet that turns and turns and let’s

stop time with our very thoughts.

And let it not hurt as we fall from grace

as we venture into the world so filled

with disgrace. Let love sit upon our lips

and passion upon our tongues.

Let every touch be filled with desire.

Let love be the reason that I see, that the

world becomes a multitude of colours.

Let it engulf me, so my heart will beat only for you

and my every thought will be a memory of touch,

of scent and the essence of seed.

Let want become need.

Love me, for just a moment, for just long

enough so that I may fall.

Love me.


Karen Hayward ©2016

How my journey began!


hey everyone I thaught I would tell you a little about my mental health journey! It all began when I was about 13 and took my first overdose for years my parents/family were taking me back and forward to a and e it they use to keep in on starfish ward then the mental health team known as camhs would assess me and send me home again,but one day when I was 16 the adult mental health team came and they decided to admit me to forest house a adalestent mental health unit I stayed there for about 6 weeks it was horrible having someone watch you have a shower and in the toilet! I kept led running away and be police would bring me back and I would get injected! I finally got discharged but till I was 18 I was still going to a and e after selfharming…

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May 2013

This is my amazing niece starting out in the blogging world. Her blog is a personal journey through mental illness. She is wonderful has an amazing voice so full of strength, she deserves to be heard. ♥


the sun was shining as I decided to leave the hospital, I was on a doctors section so of course I was not ment to leave but I didn’t want to stay! I had just taken a overdose if I remember rightly my insides were swollen,the police were looking for me my family were worried i finally got found and I was put on a 136 the mental health team finally came and I was put on section 2 a 28 day section I was shocked they were Actully doing something as I’ve been selfharming for years and they didn’t do nothing now there taking me seriously I felt scared but I knew I was going to a safe place I remember leaving my mum at the hospital and the police taking me to Albany lodge a acute wars in St. Albans I got there and it was scary everyone…

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Give to me.

Give me an open fire with flickering flames,
Soft cushions on the floor where we lay.
A little something in a Crystal glass
To keep us warm, so this moment can last.
Give me clear skies and twinkling stars,
As we lay together beneath the dark
On whispered thoughts and echoed sighs
Let time here never fly.
Trail your fingers across my milky skin,
Your eyes the camera, your mind the film.
Capture me in my rarest form
As your touch creates this storm.
Let me leave an invisible trail upon you,
A forgotten memory that you can hold true.
I’ll write in fingers, in tongues and in taste,
But not for a moment will I do it in haste.
Give me an open fire with flickering flames,
Lay soft cushions on the floor where we can lay.

Karen Hayward ©2016.