Fuck, fuck, fuck…not this time either. 

Fuck, fuck,fuck, fuck, I’ve numbed my existence switching off my mind my only resistance. Now my words are stuck in a constant cycle of rotation and the silence is insistent. Shake me, my emptiness rattles against the iron bars. Is this what bliss is???? Fuck, I cannot see the swaying trees, the fiercely flying buzzing bees. I cannot feel the earths vibration you look at me with fucking elation. Watch me crash watch me burn, by now I should’ve learned. You have the string tightly wound, a little tug, a little pull, you bring me down, where I belong upon the ground. Are you waiting still, for my mighty fall where upon my knees I beg of you to help me please, are you waiting still? Tell me of the silence that you feel in the emptiness of your reality. I’ll pause, I’ll sleep, I’ll pause for my needs, I’ll pause I’ll sleep. I’ll pause for my needs. You reward the crash standing guard as I break, good girl, good girl, you set your sights too high, you were never meant to fly. Be still let me wipe away your fantasies, lay still watch as paint dries, this is your existence. The sky is for others,  the setting sun for another, stop looking at the flowers, stop looking at life….You will eventually snuff out my light, that I know to be your aim, for me to be like you incapable of shame. You want the light that burns inside, you’ve begged so many times as youve tried to tear it from my soul, so many times you have come close, so many times I have looked darkness in the face and questioned my reality. And so many times the devil himself has whispered back ‘Do not give it up. Do not give it up.’ You believe you are fighting angels, stealing the last light of goodness from a soul certain of heavens gates, but you are wrong, you fight the devil and he will not give up my light without an explosive war. So please, pull me to my knees and wait for me to beg for your assistance, flames ignite my light with my every resistance. I’ll pause and I’ll sleep. I’ll pause for my needs. I’ll pause and I’ll sleep. I’ll pause for my needs. 
Karen Hayward ©2016

Image from Pinterest.

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6 thoughts on “Fuck, fuck, fuck…not this time either. 

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