Never forgiven.

The rustling paper bag pulled me into reality, 

I imagined it was white and filled with sherbet pips 

or aniseed balls or 

strawberry bon bons the sweet flavoured powder coating your fingers.

I wondered where you had stashed them as the seconds continued to move.

The paper bag continued to rustle a constant noise that scraped along the inside of my soul. 

Hand in, hand out, hand in, hand out, hand in…

then I heard you wretch. 

Racing heart, a scream caught in my throat. 
We are in your living room. 

You are screaming at me. 

I didn’t even know that 

I knew your address. 

I didn’t know I could cry like this. 

You begged me. 

When he asked or maybe it was a she, 

it was on the tip of my tongue.

You begged me, 

all I could see was you, 

all I could hear was you, 

all I could feel was you

 and you begged me.

And the room filled with silence

the phone on my shoulder, 

I am thrown through the 

transition from child to adult. 

My heart broke and my soul 

was ripped from my body. 

An eternity passed, 

the drumming in my chest 

created a vortex of black time, 

sucking me in. 

You begged. 

I whispered, broken. 

Your tears turned to anguish. 

You were gone, stolen from me. 

Your begs turned to promises of hatred. 

I’ll never forgive you, 

you screamed as I begged. 

As I begged to know how many. 

How many had you taken. 

I begged tears choking in my chest, 

fires burning in my throat. 

Let me die, you said.  

No, I replied selfishly, 

I can’t, 

my most selfish act to date. 

I’ll never forgive you, you spat back at me. 

And you never did. 

And I never did.
Karen Hayward ©2016

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One thought on “Never forgiven.

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