Photo courtesy of Walter E. Gantt. 2016
‘Pieces of a Rainbow.’
I feel a vast emptiness inside of me,
spreading through the black storm
clouds, I search for my Rainbow and
I recall you gave it away.
And I search for my love
and I remember you gave it away.
And I wonder where is my passion
and I recall you gave up that too.
And I ponder the way we once connected,
and I don’t even try as you gave that away…
And now I wonder what is left…
A future without love
…is a slow and torturous death.
Karen Hayward ©2016
Image used with permission ©Walter E. Gantt. 2016
Please see more of his amazing photography here on g+
His wonderful photography can also be
viewed and brought here at Fine Art America.
I recently had the pleasure of sharing private messages with a narcissist. By pleasure I mean soul destroying energy draining horror. I wouldn’t normally choose to communicate with such a person but in this case my eye was off the ball and before I knew it he was under my skin. I blocked him. Yet his presence has continued to annoy me. The fault lays entirely with me my intuition screamed at me that there was something wrong about this person, but this clashed with my beliefs that we shouldn’t judge a person on first impressions….what the fucking hell was I thinking! I communicated with him for just under a week and in that time he shared anger, gas lighting, manipulation, obsessiveness, a desire for power and control as well as an ability to wield that power and control. All of these emotions convert to energy as an empath I pick up on that frequency of energy….the problem with this is that most other people can’t , so his public posts just appeared to them as harmless, quirky as us writers are, but harmless. Of course in his pm’s he was able to explore my vulnerabilities with more vigour, but it was also there in his public posts and replies. I should have been able to shake him off but the reality is his clear disrespect toward me has highlighted my vulnerabilities and taken me into a place of questioning. Amazing how quickly a narcissist can get in and fuck with your head. In short he disrespected me as a female writer, us females are already fighting enough stereotypical crap as it is we don’t need individuals to play along too. He did this in a number of ways, covertly communicating in such a way that he expected me to not notice. I did notice. The vulnerabilities he highlighted have been dominating my mind and pushing me into a corner to clearly stand up and define who it is I am as both a person and a writer. I guess in a way the situation has made me question whether he didn’t take me seriously as a writer, because up until this point I haven’t taken myself seriously as a writer.
Over the next few weeks I plan to explore the different ways in which this person was able to disrespect me as a writer. I could of course sweep it under the rug, shrug it off and pretend it never happened, but why the fuck should I, my writing style pushes the boundaries and I often explore topics that allows society to stereotypically label me. This is the problem.. I am who I am, I am not the words on page I am the spaces between them and for that alone I deserve respect.
Karen Hayward ©2016.
Some days feel so heavy and bleak,
A scented haze for the muddled and weak.
But what if tomorrow is all that I seek?
But, what if tomorrow is just another day in the week.
What if tomorrow I wake up and can fly?!
Or perhaps I will sit and watch stars shoot by.
But what if it rains from the skies up above?
What if it cleanses the hurt and leaves me just love.
But if tomorrow I fall, I trip or I lose?
But what if tomorrow just simply soothes?
Some days are heavy and bleak,
but tomorrow may hold all that you seek.
Karen Hayward ©2016
Eye’s upon the floor my feet walked in a whisper.
Hair upon my face my lips spoke in silence.
Skin beneath my clothes my body was a vessel.
Silence in my mind my soul was empty.
Darkness in my heart was my only light.
Hiding from the world was my only salvation.
Tears of frustration my only relief.
It took everything I had to walk to this beat.
Fear, the cast iron shackles.
Fear, the iron the bars.
Fear, the obstacles of life.
Fear…the sharpened knife I used to cut away
the puppeteers strings.
Fear, keeps me in the shadows.
Fear, keeps me hidden from sight.
Fear, the nightmare that haunts me on the darkest nights.
Fear, the self regulated ego for belief in the worth of the self
is invalid when whispered from my tongue
in the darkness of my self induced shadows.
Karen Hayward ©2015
Emerald skies of burning blue as white tufts of wisdom float past on the rays of a flaming sun. Inspiration woke me before my eyelids fluttered and this mattered not for my eyes have not seen, truly seen since the last time my soul screamed from the other side to look. Ownership is the materialistic economy of a rich mans world and I am poor in possessions and rich in ownership. Floating particles of death shimmering in the morning light, freely rising, freely falling unaware of any fear. Words caught on the tip of my tongue that beg and beg to be spoken and if destiny is true if our map is drawn out in blotted ink before our soul even contemplates this life, then why fear unsaid words? If all of life’s fine events happen for a reason then I am free to utter thoughts of fantasy and reality and own my day. I am free to own these intrinsic words I splatter across the page that I pull from the empty wardrobe of lost hope covered in webs and crawling with spiders. Hearts break on the beating of the roach’s wings and shattered dreams are scuttled onto a breeze of dark shores. A poets self deceit cuts deeper than any mans lies. The creation of a story based upon a false prophecy stretched beyond the realms of reality searching for the nicks, nooks, crannies something to hold, to grab to elevate the soul toward the summit. The glorious summit, and I wonder why it is that I fight this need for the summit. A thousand definitions can be formed from the utterance of thoughts based upon chemicals. A million different ways to be and I have never been A typical. Blue is red, red is green and all the colours need to be seen and my heart beats. My heart beats and beats my stomach flutters as a swarm of bee’s buzz through my soul and I am okay with this. I do not fear living. Personal autonomy and the thought tank of morality hand in hand coding for that predestined reality. Free me. Put a label on this box and clarify the meaning of interactions. Thoughts, a maze of indifference in a storm of magma a molten mass of dissected words, cut and pasted letters, broken images from a a black and white stills devoid of colours that will one day become igneous. Rocks of life. Beaten down beneath the feet a thousand life soldiers, ground into the dust of oblivion and lost deep in the outer realms of space among the dying lights. But some, some have the power to become, to be the flattened stones skimmed across an ebbing tide, to be the crystals held close to our hearts, to be the stone we never throw and never look at that attracts dust the way it attracted you, in multitude in broken thoughts and fears of unknown origins.
Karen Hayward ©2016
I lean back, close my eyes
let my body fall with the swing.
My stomach lurches as
a thousand butterfly wings
tickle my stomach as fear
swells with every drop.
This is living.
The fear that beats inside me,
the excitement that rushes
through my body into my fingers,
into my nervous giggle as
my world drops down and
then rises, high, high above
the clouds and I can look the
sun straight in his face.
And then I remember as that
excitement rushes through me
this is living.
Karen Hayward ©2016
The wind howls through the branches, leaves dragging through the chilled air. The steady rhythm back and forth disrupted only when momentum has built. Then, then the wind crashes against the window pane as I lay alone in the bed. It slams wood into wood, sends tin cans scuttling, it rattles frantically at my letter box, pleading to get in and the shadows dance around the ceiling, I feel their icy fingers against my skin as they crawl beneath the covers. I watch, I watch the window in fear the howling wind will penetrate the glass. I watch the door waiting for the shadow man to reappear. I watch the ceiling for his slow 1, 2, 3 waltz. I pull the covers up and feel my cold fingers against my face, I do not pull it over, I fear what I cannot see more then what I can see. So I watch. I listen as the hands slowly move round clock. I listen to crash after wham after bang. My heart beating in unison as the storm projects its energies on this one spot, just outside my bedroom window.
Karen Hayward © 2016.