A blank canvas of creation.

Written in response to a picture prompt over on g+ you can find the prompt here.

The stark emptiness of a blank canvas unfurling before my eyes. A lush carpet of soft blades of fresh grass tickling my senses as I explore bare foot around the confines of my existence. Will you walk there with me into the unknown? With a touch of my finger I will spread daisies across the horizon, white petals dancing gently in the breeze as yellow faces search for Helios. The aged trees in their wisdom will bend their branches and form for us a bed, softened with moss from the woodland grounds and decorated with delicate star white petals, as the soft scent of Jasmine dances on the summer breeze. Will you lay at my side and let me map the contours of your body with a trail of gentle kisses shimmering in the golden sunlight that caresses our uninhibited bodies?  And as I dance freely across this canvas of creation, rose bushes of every colour will bloom beneath the shadows of my foot prints, a floral dance floor for the twilight hours as Selene watches from the heavens and creates a pool of tranquility in which for us to bathe, sprinkled delicately with her crystalised devotion. And what beauty will you bring to my vision? Will you lay your palms upon the earth and create for me peahens and peacocks so I may see the beauty of his train as he calls to his love? Will you tread upon the luscious grass and leave behind a trail of promised dandelion wishes, for me? Will you look to the heavens and request shooting stars to illuminate our skies? Will you look to the clouds and ask for warm rain to fall from the skies so we may dance together beneath the falling droplets? The stark emptiness of a blank canvas unfurling before our eyes.


Karen Hayward ©2016

Sacrifice. Word prompt.

Today’s word prompt is sacrifice…you can go here to find many, many more prompts.

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This word prompt has been bugging me all day. I have a thousand words I could write but each and every letter I place on the page is like handing you a raw slice of my soul. So I thought long and hard about what it is I want to say and this poem was created.



Some people can,

and these will

always give.

Some can’t,

and they will

always take.

May the angels always walk

with those

who can.

Karen Hayward ©2016

Discuss your first love.30 day writing challenge.

Hmmm this is an interesting question as it doesn’t specify what type of love. I could tell you about the young girl that was entirely in love with her Dad that she followed him everywhere. Or about my first and only dog, Spade, an old English sheep dog that came too us wrapped up inside my Dad’s coat a tiny bundle of fur that was apparently a heinz 57 (cross breed) and was never going to grow any higher than your knee…this was not true! I could tell you about my first male best friend who I loved so very dearly or, or I could tell you about the first boyfriend that I fell in love with. My biggest concern about talking about first love is that somewhere over the years we romanticize these things, we make the bare ugly truth, beautiful.

Still, here goes. I suspect I was maybe 14 at the time. The very first time I met him was late on a Friday night, I was getting ready to go out to a nightclub (yeah yeah I know I was underage!) when the doorbell went. It was another male friend, I invited them in, I was home alone at the time and we sat in the living room chatting. I was wearing a long black dress and asked if *first love would mind doing it up at the back for me. We flirted innocently. He had long hair that he wore tied back, he was 16 maybe 17 and working at the local amusements. I don’t know what happened next. I think the next day he turned up at my place alone, we chatted and before I knew it he was becoming something to me.

We went out together for about 6 months. We got on very well and very rarely argued. For some reason finding words to describe him is hard, it’s like I have a private stash of them but they are protected. I protect them because the relationship was perfect, and even now we are still friends.  I say perfect not because the relationship was all daisies and glitter, but because it was honest. When the day came when we realised we were too young to settle we were honest and we cut each other free. Not the easiest thing to do and over the first week of our seperation there were a lot of tear and confusion (he would finish work and appear at my door, forgetting we were no longer together. But it’s that honesty that has always stayed with me.


Karen Hayward ©2015

Something that you miss. 30 day writing challenge.

Are there not a thousand things each day that we in some way miss? I miss the warmth of home. I miss going out drinking, stumbling home and sitting chatting whilst perching on the corner of that brown cord fold up chair! I miss being young and so very full of energy. I miss mountain dew, it never really picked up over here in the UK. I miss lay in’s. I miss the freedom of being able to sleep until my soul felt healed. I miss werther originals and the moments that came with them and cherry kisses. I miss the summer, already! I miss the snow that the clouds above the UK forget to spill each year.

But right now, I miss the relaxation, the calm of mind and the unsaid knowledge. I miss the soothing way thoughts could transport me, I miss my thoughts being clear and concise. I miss not wearing the mask.

Right now I miss the liberation of being able to spill words onto the page without this mental block that seems to be constantly screaming at me.

I miss the exclusive knowledge of shared thoughts that are now being spilled across the universe.

I miss having that knowledge of knowing how to speak to you.

I miss the beach…I only live a ten minute walk from the beach, i’m just being dramatic! I miss the beach on a warm day with the sun sweeping across my back and the grains of sand searching my feet. I miss the golden star dust that sprinkles itself across the ocean. I miss the soft hush of the ebbing tide as it licks at the shore.

I miss the stars as the sky becomes light and they disappear from view. I miss the moon and her luminous glow. I miss the emptiness of a clear, dark night. Nothing inside of me can ever feel as empty as the universe.

I miss all the thing that make me feel a step closer to myself.


Karen Hayward © 2015.

Bullet point your entire day…I want to cry!

  • Search for my broken headphones, only one ear works which is perfect as my daughter talks to me constant and its important that she always knows i can hear her.
  • The girls are happy, I have the next lot of jobs to crack on with but i decide to pause and watch a video someone has shared with me. I get a couple of minutes in and the girls want to go into the garden. I agree to have a coffee break then get out of my pjs to take them in the garden. My daughters anxiety means she wont go out there alone.
  • I stop for a giggle with my daughters besty, she is a sweety, we make up songs about cheeky smiles, and rhyme words, she is great.
  • I don’t get a quite coffee. In fact it went cold again. I give up and drink a glass of water.
  • I realise I should probably brush my hair! Ha ha!
  • Gave up on the video for now and decided to listen to a couple of songs on youtube, that was ten minutes ago, still haven’t heard a whole song though.
  • Still thinking about ‘fit for purpose.’
  • 2:24 pm https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY    I love this song.
  • Am hugely aware at this point that I have the least exciting life ever. In fact I think bullet proving your entire day is bat shit crazy!!
  • Okay took girls into the garden, we all went down the stairs on our bums 🙂 can’t lie that was fun!
  • Once out there I decided to sort the fall fence panels and stuff that had been blown about in recent storms. I managed a couple of panels before the girls realised I had been right and it really was very cold and very windy outside. So we all went back in doors again!
  • The girls are now playing. So housework again! How the hell do 2 adults and one child make so much washing up? I ask myself this question daily. In fact a few times now I have considered hiding all but one each of everything, that will teach people to reuse and wipe up themselves!! Ha ha who am I kidding, just means i’ll be given cups of tea in a cup that is an inch deep in grime…yeah hubby i ain’t silly, i know you don’t use a clean cup!
  • Listening to some Green day, it’s a Green day kinda day.
  • It’s only just after 3 in the afternoon and already darkness is falling on us. The lights are being switched and switched off again in that awkward well, the light don’t help kind of way. The wind is really picking up and beginning to howl through the tree’s and slam into the windows.
  • 3:30 pm am feeling tired now. I want to go sleep. In fact I want someone to come make me food and then I can go sleep 🙂
  • 3:38 pm Hubby has awoken and agrred to give me a few minutes to finish writing a poem, with head phones on and music up loud. This for me, means cutting the world out completely so I can hear the words :). Best get writing then!
  • I managed to 3:45 pm the poem I wrote was good, im happy but it needs more work.
  • I grab dinner out the freezer and stick in on then do my third washing up load and grab the washing from the machine and stick another load on. I need a pinny to wear so I can truly fit into this marvellous role of housewife!
  • Dinner is cooking, the girls are playing I work a little more on the poem. Whilst stopping to sweep the floor and change the cat litters.
  • The besty has to go home now 5:00pm so I help her to gather her stuff together and get her boots on. I want to steal her pink furry monster style hat.
  • We do the stairs on our bums again and I think about how wonderful children are.
  • Dinner is served and I clean the table down.
  • We all sit at the table, it’s nice.
  • Hubby and daughter watch Man of Steel so I can have time to myself. I do the online food shop and spend a few moments finally watching the videos shared to me, i’m glad I watched them :).
  • Spend some time thinking.
  • Decide I need to speak to a friend, so ask him for advise.
  • wash up, again!!
  • Tidy away ems toys. It’s now 7:36pm. i’m tired, tiredness is kicking in, I keep resting my head on my hands and closing my eyes for just a second. I can’t sleep yet.
  • I still need to put the girl to bed, then we have her routine then story time, then snuggle time.
  • I still have to tidy up the living room, iron clothes and put them away, tidy her room, and clean a a couple of other rooms.
  • I want to be sat in a room reading.
  • I want to be exploring the suggestion.
  • I want to be listening to music.
  • Daughter will settle around 10-10:30pm by which point I will be exhasuted, but finally able to sit down and know i wont be distrubed. Hubby is working again tonight.
  • Once as daughter is sleeping I will try to grab a few minutes to myself.
  • This post idea is shit.
  • I hate seeing how non stop I am!!
  • I need to read the book I got on mindfulness!
  • I need a hot drink.
  • Think I need to get a life!!
  • Am starting line dancing in a few weeks 🙂 ha ha

ok writing this post as sent me a little crazy, I need to do something. That was a really pants kinda post, I know already what a bullet point of my day is like lol but I can see how it made me think a little deeper about my surroundings, so maybe a good thing 🙂

  • Have had to remind the daughter that I cannot be shouting from room to room, she has tears in her eyes and my heart is breaking cos i used the tough girl voice, but its one of the few times i have to put myself first. Can feel jaw tightening from the mornings hallway screams as a form of communicating!! lol
  • Girls want pizza, I agree to look in the cupboards.
  • The girls want to swap toys. I say no, it causes to much upset.
  • They ask again.
  • And again.
  • I go stand guard at the toilet door. Daughter has realised if her friend cant see then she doesn’t to close the toilet door I make a mental note to have a chat about this.
  • Make coffee again, pour the old cod, cold again into the sink.
  • Start writing this post.
  • Become aware that my ears are really burning.
  • I stop to read a message. It makes me think.
  • I go back to the post, my mind wanders to the sunrise.
  • Asked about another toy.
  • Had to shout down the hall again, am feeling a little annoyed, it’s automatic for me to respond, I know i’m as much to blame right now.
  • Asked about teddy clothes. Have to get the teddy clothes box down and open.
  • Then have tears as a change of plans to what toy to take, I remind them I can say no.
  • Asked again about pizza.
  • I agree to pizza toast.
  • Write some more of this.
  • Get another message, pause for a moment to read them.
  • Am aware that messages can sometimes sound so very cold and distant. I wonder what it is they really think.
  • See to the girls.
  • respond to a message.
  • write some more of this.
  • stop and read again. respond.
  • 12:44 pm I post the first section of this.
  • I respond to one message.
  • Have to tell daughter again not to shout me from another room.
  • Girls appeared at kitchen door, starving! Pizza toast is cooking.
  • pretty sure i have hit repeat on youtube about ten times now, still not entirely sure what song i am listening to.
  • Asked for the millionth time to find a box for a toy pony with no horn or wings.
  • Wants to curl up in a ball and make the world stop for five minutes.
  • 1:26 pm. The girls are eating ♥.
  • Need to eat myself, but have no energy to make something. Haven’t eaten yet today. Usually would grab a bowl of cereal, but gave the last to daughter this morning. I think about whether I could just eat a bowl of avocado. Am still, pondering this thought.
  • Am still thinking about the messages. Wonders where the distance came from, on both sides.
  • Thinking about responding, wondering if I should eat first, or get more coffee. Decide to just sit and listen to music for 5 minutes.
  • Start thinking about pain killers. Bleurgh will have to eat something so i grab a handful of grapes.
  • 1:33 pm I got 7 minutes.
  • I see to the girls, go wee, then pop into the bath room and flash blast the bath. I’m still thinking, the last part has got stuck on repeat in my head and I wonder what my purpose has now become.
  • 1:45 pm. And I m hating this blog post.
  • The girls are hungry still. I make them fruit and drinks!

Post you favorite movies that you never get tired of watching. 30 day writing challenge.

Favorite movies that I never get tired of watching. This is another tough question and to answer this I will need to look to the past. I actually watch very little TV and movies. Before my daughter I wasn’t too bad, but now there are a thousand different things I could be doing.

The first movie that comes to mind is Minority Report with Tom Cruise. There is something exciting about the concept behind this movie and I think on some level the idea of knowing who the bad people are before the crime, gives me hope for a better future. I’ve watched this film so many times now that I pretty much know it word for word and scene for scene :).


Next up is Fifth Element 🙂


then we have…


this is actually my favorite film of all time, I think, i mean I might choose differently tomorrow! This in my opinion is the best love story, of course it was also the story that showed me that love has no happy ending, but it was beautiful and showed me that even a few moments of love is better than nothing.


Constantine. This is a film that fed into my own fears and curiosities. I also think this film first introduced me to the concept of angels walking among us (perhaps not in the form that society suggests an Angel to be).


Grown ups!! This movie has me laughing so much!


Okay, i’ going to share some now without the links. Police Academy, all of them, these films shoot me straight into the past whenever I watch them. I love them as much today as I did when I first watched them. Forever Young, anyone remember this? Mel Gibson, sigh, another love story I was young and impressionable and It was one of only a few videos we owned when I was a teenager and skipping school whilst my dad was at University ha ha!! The Crow, I almost forgot The Crow!


My husband says that I have very repetitive behaviour, according to him I watch/ listen to the same things over and over. He might be right on this one!!


Karen Hayward ©2015

Am I?

Am I a shadow? Is that why nobody knows,

the things that I think, the things that I show.

Am I a dandelion in a field full of sunflowers?

Hidden by petals up there on the tower.

Am I the soft breeze that blows in a storm

I really do wonder if I even have form.

Am I the mist hidden by the sea’s spray

would anyone know if this mist didn’t stay?

Am I anything other than toil

or am I simply the left over soil?


Karen Hayward ©2015




Write about what excites you! 30 day writing challenge.

Everything excites me. Learning, that’s what I will focus on for this post, how learning excites me.

Okay so if you didn’t know then I am telling you now, growing up I lived with my Dad my siblings (four of them) lived with my Mum. I am the youngest of four, then out popped my younger sister, technically she’s a half a sister, we don’t do halves in our family, she has been always will be my sister and my Dad has always treated her this way. Okay why am I telling you this bit? As a baby, a toddler a kid and a teenager the only things I had to learn was how to be me. My Dad forced no other lessons on me which was a good thing because I was not into cooking, cleaning, sewing or anything else all girly, glittery and made of candy floss. Instead I was taught how to love myself for me. This however, is also the reason why my creative side managed to stay dormant so bloody long. I had no idea it was there, my Dad I don’t think knew it was, but looking back of course it was there. It was in the knee high sky blue wedge boots I wore, and the waist length dyed black curly hair, it was in my make-up and the clothes I chose I left particles of it every where that I went. Anyway fast forward to the learning bit. A few years ago whilst studying my confidence began to grow and I could finally see that I was more capable of things than I had realised. At the back of my head was starting to form this niggling list of things I wanted to try. Knitting came first, and filled with excitement I picked up the needles and suddenly that memory of watching my mum teach my older sister to knit came flooding back. Great I could knit rows!! It didn’t take me long to decide I wanted to knit different shapes because squares and rectangles are great, but boring. It took me ages to learn to do triangles, the reason? Because I was winging it, in my head I can shape and form and know how I need to do something but I refused stubbornly to take it seriously and look up a tutorial so I was in a constant flow of starting, stopping and tearing it apart. Then I watched a youtube video and simply thought fuck it, maybe it’s time I tried following a pattern. So, off I went to learn what the abbreviations were and something that had started life looking much like a combination of foreign languages now is like a second language to me. I still knit best without a pattern, but understanding patterns and techniques means I have more scope for development.



Ta da! Once as I had mastered my knitting skills I moved onto crochet, I can’t lie I am still on the crochet, I can’t even crochet an even line yet, but I will get there, I know this.

I also own a lovely little sewing machine. Now anyone that knows me from back then and all, will be sitting there reading this and laughing because they can recall ‘home tech lessons.’ these lessons are the essence of evil for anyone that does not want to sew. The machines were huge and made this amazingly loud whirring noise, and instead of needles they were packed with double sided machete blades. I refused to use one. Every week the same thing. I tried all the other excuses first, forgot my apron…’here use this one!’ and finally I decided that I would sit there arms crossed and stare out of the window. I wasn’t allowed to do that either! A lovely friend of mine would thread the needle for me whilst he was laughing at the irony of the situation.  Still I refused, and when we hit the point where I realised that I wasn’t getting out of it, I just stopped going to that lesson! So fast forward and now here I am with a sewing machine of my own and absolutely no fear of that tiny little needle that can sometimes look like a double sided machete. Again this was a desire that I found hiding out deep inside of me, and again I discovered that I had an understanding of what was required without a firm base of knowledge. I’m still getting there, but, I’ve managed to make a Dorothy Gale outfit for my daughter as well as a handful of other things, so I call that a triumph :).

So why are these things so exciting in my opinion? Well throughout my teenage years I fought against the stereotypical image of a girl, I didn’t want to become someone who cooked, cleaned, sewed and knitted. I felt strongly that my path went in a very different direction. So for me the learning of these skills is symbolic for having finally discovered the skills that had been dormant inside of myself as well the acceptance of myself as a whole.

I would love to say that’s where the learning stops, but it doesn’t. I am extremely independent and will always try to find a way of doing something myself before I ask for help. You tube is often my best friend, as is a huge DIY book I have hidden down by the couch. Learning allows me to develop as a person, it ensures that I’m constantly moving forward. This constant flow of energy provides a positive base for my mind.


write about five blessings in your life. 30 day writing challenges.

Write about five blessings in my life 🙂

  1. Oh my number one blessing is my daughter. She’s a child with needs and I could sit here and whack a label on her and most people would sit back and think oh yeah, I get that, i’ve read about that she must be like this or that…but I wont, because she isn’t. Instead let me tell you why from the second she was created inside of me she has been my blessing. Firstly it took over two years to conceive her, she was very much a wanted child and I discovered I was pregnant a couple of weeks after celebrating our one year wedding anniversary. You know within the first day whether you have given birth to a sleeper or an awaker, I had myself a sleeper, 23 hours a day for the first week, each week she slept less and i got to enjoy her even more. As she grew, I grew along side her, because for the first time someone needed me to be more than I believed I could I be. I did it for her not because she needed me to be the best mum I could be, I did it because I needed to be the best mum I could. She grew and grew and grew some more and on the one side the older she became the more obvious it was that she had extra needs (she barely spoke for the first five years…now you cannot shut her up!) People often ask me if I am aware of how different she is, no, not really, everything I do for her is a natural response to her. Sometimes though when it’s been a long day and she’s called me into her bedroom for the hundredth time because she needs a blankie that is right there next to her, I do think dear God, somebody please help me! But otherwise no. But the truth is she is eight, and still needs the same level of support and guidance you might give a five year old. She has to be prompted every step, every instruction has to be broken down, and I am constantly on guard for the type of language used around her (she takes hings literally!) just the other day we had a funny moment,

Me “You only ate a couple of mouth fulls, I need you to eat more.”

Her “You little liar!”…she then bursts into tears!

The reason for the tears was that she thought I had been calling her a liar, she thought (and rightfully, as it was a bad choice of words) that I had said she had only eaten two (a couple) mouth fulls of dinner!

She has something called Gravitational Insecurities (yeah I know I said no labels!) it basically means she has a fear of movement, if it moves it causes her extreme anxiety. Just take a moment to look around you and think about how much movement occurs naturally and constantly around you, just stop and think about the very beating of your heart, the constant drumming the constant movement. Everything causes her anxiety. And yet every single day she comes pounding along the hallway with the biggest smile on her face as she bravely faces each new day. Yes the world might scare her, but no she isn’t ready to admit defeat. She is braver than any adult I know.

She is amazingly innocent. She has a heart that is capable of so very much and constantly she is able to see good and happiness around her. She smiles even when inside she is breaking, she sings when her entire body is screaming in fear, she tries even when the mind is pleading with her that she can’t. She has shown me more beautiful things in this world than any body else. She is my blessing.

  1. My family, yeah I know, I know we all say it our family is a blessing.  But the reality is a I had a childhood that could have been very different to the one I had. The choices made when I was a toddler ensured that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I often think myself lucky now as an adult when I see people around me declaring they hate their mum or dad or sibling. You see yes we argue, but we are always there for each other. Yes we disagree but we always have each others back and yes sometimes words get slung around but we never stoop so low to actually be spiteful and hurt one another. It seems to be a rarity these days. I am blessed to have my family.
  2. I am blessed that somewhere along the female genetic maternal line there is this huge streak of female creativity. A streak that comes more natural than anything I have ever felt, and although growing up outside of the maternal home I didn’t get to experience it growing up I have now discovered it and I am blessed because of it.
  3. I am blessed to live in a society where my opinions don’t get me arrested. I sometimes wonder I would survive living in a society that dictated her I should be, this thought scares me.
  4. I am blessed that along the paths I chose to take when growing up I clearly had an angel or two watching over me. Without them I do not know where I would have ended up. Thank you.

Karen Hayward ©2015.