- I have blue eyes :).
- I don’t recall what colour my natural hair is, although I believe it’s a mousy brown. I first dyed it when I was twelve, black. Since then I’ve had it black, red, purple, pink, green, brown and blonde. I mainly dye it red now because I like the way red makes me feel.
- I do not have tattoo’s.
- I have had my nose pierced a few times over the years, but currently do not.
- I have a scar on my right index finger where I grated the tip off whilst grating a carrot.
- I also have three scars on my stomach (the worst one being inside my belly button) this is from the removal of a fallopian tube and ectopic pregnancy.
- I am right handed.
- I have hypermobility in some joints, this means i can touch my thumbs against the inside of my wrists, and bend my fingers in awkward positions! It also means my muscles pull and tear really easily and leaves me in a whole bucket load of pain!
- I have chronic pain.
- I have two older brothers, one older sister and one younger sister. I didn’t grow up with them, but I did grow up alongside them.
- I don’t own scales. I don’t even know how much I weigh. I don’t really care either.
- When I was four I vomited mince and potato’s with a blackcurrant splash, I can eat mince and mash still but can also be really funny about it as it turns my stomach!
- I don’t eat breakfast.
- I rarely drink alcohol. But when I do I can usually keep up with the best of them!
- I don’t watch a great deal of TV.
- I don’t have facebook or twitter on my phone!
- I left school age 16 with just two GCSE’s at grade C. Everything else was lower.
- At school I played on the athletics team, netball team and played hockey.
- I did everything the right way. Marriage, mortgage, baby.
- If in the right mood I will argue that white is black and black is white…and win.
- I don’t like hotdogs.
- I’m almost always cold!
- I’ve seen Eminem in concert.
- When it comes to my daughter I plan everything down to the T, when it comes to me alone I wing it every step of the way.
- I like peace, I like being on my own, I don’t really get that lonely feel.
- For the past five years I’ve been trying to grow veg in the garden, some years we do great other years we forget to water them.
- I should not ever be given another plant, I can’t even keep cactus alive!
- I work at my best under extreme pressure.
- I am completely useless with technology, I have no idea how to use my phone, no idea how to use my laptop, or the tv or dvd player or blueray player. But I strongly believe this is a choice I make, as when I need to figure something out I alsway’s do!
- I haven’t ever broken a bone in my body…touch wood!!
Okay, i’m already well into my day so I will have to catch the morning bit up first :).
- 2:23 am wake up. Go toilet and wander around.
- 4:44 am wake up, I try to roll over and go back to sleep again. I can’t. Daughter is in the bed with me, she takes up the entire space. I am sleeping along the edge. Kitster (The cat) is asleep on my stomach. I have no cover and my body is hurting.
- I go into the kitchen and grab pain killers and wash them down with a glass of water. I am awake. Completely awake. I plug the kettle back in and switch it on to boil. I contemplate sweet sugary tea of coffee. I choose tea.
- I feed the cats.
- I pop for a wee.
- Make my tea and sit down.
- The flat is quite. I like it.
- I just sit thinking for a few minutes, letting the sweetness of tea hit my taste buds.
- Write a poem (4:49 am), https://plus.google.com/+karenhayward2015/posts/7wKH7jKeMX5 Literally only 5 minutes have passed. I feel deflated that it’s another day that I have started so early, knowing that there is no chance of me getting a rest or sleep at any point. The day will be extremely long.
- I respond to other people’s comments and read through other poetry. I like this.
- 4:59 am I post a sunrise picture into the picture challenge focus forum on g+ https://plus.google.com/+karenhayward2015/posts/BzcaJoAnDy8 I’ve been meaning to post that for a couple of days. I’m aware I am disorganised and need to try harder to stay on top of everything.
- 5:08 am I post another into the same group, this time a sunset, from last night as I walked into town with my daughter. I spend a moment thinking about how lucky I am to be able to get such a great pic from my front door.
- I switch the kettle back on and decide that coffee is a good idea. I change my mind and see if there is space in the bed for me (hubby is working over time again this weekend, so its just me and my gal, which is why she is in the bed) There is, barely. I climb back in.
- 5:45 am I wake again. I’ve been dreaming. Vivid dream of standing on a shore. The beach is local although clearly an image dragged from memory as it has now changed. I am standing there at the edge of the water. It’s calm, so surprisingly calm, barely no movement and i’m not even sure there is sound either. It’s misty and the weather has a soft warmth to that, under my coat hat and scarf. There are men (young) they run past giggling fully clothed and seemingly run into the sea to surf…they have no surf boards, they use there bodies. On the beach a collection of old treasures is building up and there are some men seemingly working at collecting these things. I ignore them at first and they ignore me, although I can hear them discussing me. My daughter is also with me at the beach. She is content playing. I look down at the sand I see shells. They get bigger the more I look until finally I am excited to have found the shell I have always been looking for. The shell is big, so big and I cannot believe my eyes. Then I woke up!! I get up again.
- I decide I will have that coffee. so switch the kettle on to boil again.
- 6:12 am Whilst I wait I look at g+ notifications, I come across and share this post about the personality of a Scorpio. I like the words and choose to share. https://plus.google.com/+karenhayward2015/posts/DWBf6CqdXGq
- 6:28 am Hubby get’s in from work. I take a deep breath as I hear the door closing, knowing there is nothing gentle about the slamming action and hoping my daughter sleeps through it, I want a few minutes longer before my day officially starts.
- Hubby tells me about his night at work, whilst I sip on coffee.
- 6:45 am I can hear the rustling of covers and pounding of feet. She heads straight toward my voice and finds me in the kitchen. ‘Mummy i’m going to miss you too much, please don’t go.’ I hug her. Whilst walking into town in the dark last night she lost a dolly hand (Monster High!!) I promised her at first light I would walk back and see if I can find it. Right now she isn’t able to accept the idea of me leaving the house without her. I tell her it’s her choice and she doesn’t need to decide yet as it’s still dark outside anyway.
- She asks me to walk her to toilet and stay.
- We chat!! lol
- I make her breakfast and a drink and she sits at the table.
- I respond to comments and people on g+ Check facebook and check twitter.
- I start two poems, and close both not liking either.
- 7:00 am it starts. How long till besty gets here?
- We look at time and talk about how to fill it.
- She decides she doesn’t want the doll hand. She doesn’t want me to leave the house without her.
- I cut her an apple and grapes.
- I look out of the window and can see that the sky looks like she is on fire as the morning sun creeps up. It is beautiful. The most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I grab my coat and pop outside to take a few pictures. Whilst out there my cat Emmet comes to me for cuddles and kisses. I take a couple more pictures from up stairs as the sun turns the sky red.
- 7:30 am. We run over to the shop for a paper, we’re in our pjs :).
- I ask hubby to hoover for me.
- I collect any washing up.
- I go into my daughters bedroom and collect dirty washing and clear the floor, strip her bed, re-make her bed and clear away any toys on the floor (her besty is blind, so floor needs to be clear and accessible)
- Grab another coffee!
- 7:59 am listen to this https://plus.google.com/+karenhayward2015/posts/XG5RtvmhEpN
- 8:04 am. I ring my Dad :). I ring my Dad early every single Saturday. We chat for an hour. Daughter also speaks to me for the entire hour, so I spend the entire phone call trying to hear two conversations whilst walking from room to room.
- 9:05 am I wee!!!
- I sweep the stairs, clean the handrail and tidy the shoes to ensure stairs are clear.
- I stop and put the radio on so I can dance along.
- I put on a wash load.
- Chat to my daughter for a while. We giggle and laugh, this makes me feel good.
- She starts again on the how long, she cries, we talk, I reassure.
- I go around opening windows to blow away the cobwebs.
- 9:45 am. How long mum, how long, we discuss what her besty might be doing too.
- I wee then put the kettle on again, I’m feeling tired and achey.
- I try a little writing again, but still it wont come.
- I spend a few minutes just thinking.
- 10:00 am. The knock i’ve been waiting for. I get half way down the stairs to the door before my daughter screams she wants to open it. I come back up and help her so that she can answer it.
- I help the besty to put away her coat and shoes and I sit and chat for a moment asking how she is doing.
- The girls are sent to her bedroom to play, I am sent to make drinks, I realise we have no juice, we’re a mainly water household. I grab Orange and mango fresh stuff from the fridge and hunt for a bottle to put them into. I take it too them.
- Walking back I grab a little more dirty washing and look into the living room and see hubby is asleep on the couch, the entire couch, I remind myself I need a big tub so i can sort the clutter out.
- I have to pee. I also have to remind myself to lock the door.
- I put this song on to youtube, i’m feeling wishful. https://plus.google.com/+karenhayward2015/posts/N94ksK5er7w
- I clear the kitchen counter and put the washing up together.
- I lean on the washing machine and hear the beeps that tell me I pressed a button, I randomly press them again hoping i’m getting it right, i’m probably not.
- I’m called by my daughter too look for a toy kitten.
- called again to look for her teddy whiner.
- Again I am called to look for the kitten.
- I find a kitten and give it to her, now she has lost the other one. I’m asked to look for that.
- The girls want food, apples, cheese grapes and black currants, I have no black currants, they moan.
- I make the girls food and clear the sides.
- I realise my last coffee is cold and still full, so I tip it out and boil the kettle again.
- I don’t get back to the kettle for 20 mins. I boil it again.
- I read a few pages of Keats as I wait for the kettle to boil then grab some other books and put them away with the others.
- I make coffee si it burn my lip and put it down on the heater, at least on the heater I have more chance of catching it still warm.
- Wash load has finished. I think about where to put it to dry, it’s too rainy looking outside.
- I decide to write again. I decide not too. I listen to the radio.
- The girls want pizza, i have no pizza, they ask me five times.
- They sulk!
- They come back and ask if I can make a pizza. I tell them I will look if I have the ingrediants.
- I go wee, again.
- lol oh dear god it’s still only early!!
- I’ve no longer got any idea of the time.
- I start sweeping the kitchen floor, I have to stop about ten times to answer daughter calls.
- Hubby pops his head in he is going to bed now.
That only brings us up to twelve O’clock!!! Dear God, how the hell am I meant to do this for the entire day!! Ok will do a seperate post for the next lot!
Favorite movies that I never get tired of watching. This is another tough question and to answer this I will need to look to the past. I actually watch very little TV and movies. Before my daughter I wasn’t too bad, but now there are a thousand different things I could be doing.
The first movie that comes to mind is Minority Report with Tom Cruise. There is something exciting about the concept behind this movie and I think on some level the idea of knowing who the bad people are before the crime, gives me hope for a better future. I’ve watched this film so many times now that I pretty much know it word for word and scene for scene :).
Next up is Fifth Element 🙂
then we have…
this is actually my favorite film of all time, I think, i mean I might choose differently tomorrow! This in my opinion is the best love story, of course it was also the story that showed me that love has no happy ending, but it was beautiful and showed me that even a few moments of love is better than nothing.
Constantine. This is a film that fed into my own fears and curiosities. I also think this film first introduced me to the concept of angels walking among us (perhaps not in the form that society suggests an Angel to be).
Grown ups!! This movie has me laughing so much!
Okay, i’ going to share some now without the links. Police Academy, all of them, these films shoot me straight into the past whenever I watch them. I love them as much today as I did when I first watched them. Forever Young, anyone remember this? Mel Gibson, sigh, another love story I was young and impressionable and It was one of only a few videos we owned when I was a teenager and skipping school whilst my dad was at University ha ha!! The Crow, I almost forgot The Crow!
My husband says that I have very repetitive behaviour, according to him I watch/ listen to the same things over and over. He might be right on this one!!
Karen Hayward ©2015
Everything excites me. Learning, that’s what I will focus on for this post, how learning excites me.
Okay so if you didn’t know then I am telling you now, growing up I lived with my Dad my siblings (four of them) lived with my Mum. I am the youngest of four, then out popped my younger sister, technically she’s a half a sister, we don’t do halves in our family, she has been always will be my sister and my Dad has always treated her this way. Okay why am I telling you this bit? As a baby, a toddler a kid and a teenager the only things I had to learn was how to be me. My Dad forced no other lessons on me which was a good thing because I was not into cooking, cleaning, sewing or anything else all girly, glittery and made of candy floss. Instead I was taught how to love myself for me. This however, is also the reason why my creative side managed to stay dormant so bloody long. I had no idea it was there, my Dad I don’t think knew it was, but looking back of course it was there. It was in the knee high sky blue wedge boots I wore, and the waist length dyed black curly hair, it was in my make-up and the clothes I chose I left particles of it every where that I went. Anyway fast forward to the learning bit. A few years ago whilst studying my confidence began to grow and I could finally see that I was more capable of things than I had realised. At the back of my head was starting to form this niggling list of things I wanted to try. Knitting came first, and filled with excitement I picked up the needles and suddenly that memory of watching my mum teach my older sister to knit came flooding back. Great I could knit rows!! It didn’t take me long to decide I wanted to knit different shapes because squares and rectangles are great, but boring. It took me ages to learn to do triangles, the reason? Because I was winging it, in my head I can shape and form and know how I need to do something but I refused stubbornly to take it seriously and look up a tutorial so I was in a constant flow of starting, stopping and tearing it apart. Then I watched a youtube video and simply thought fuck it, maybe it’s time I tried following a pattern. So, off I went to learn what the abbreviations were and something that had started life looking much like a combination of foreign languages now is like a second language to me. I still knit best without a pattern, but understanding patterns and techniques means I have more scope for development.
Ta da! Once as I had mastered my knitting skills I moved onto crochet, I can’t lie I am still on the crochet, I can’t even crochet an even line yet, but I will get there, I know this.
I also own a lovely little sewing machine. Now anyone that knows me from back then and all, will be sitting there reading this and laughing because they can recall ‘home tech lessons.’ these lessons are the essence of evil for anyone that does not want to sew. The machines were huge and made this amazingly loud whirring noise, and instead of needles they were packed with double sided machete blades. I refused to use one. Every week the same thing. I tried all the other excuses first, forgot my apron…’here use this one!’ and finally I decided that I would sit there arms crossed and stare out of the window. I wasn’t allowed to do that either! A lovely friend of mine would thread the needle for me whilst he was laughing at the irony of the situation. Still I refused, and when we hit the point where I realised that I wasn’t getting out of it, I just stopped going to that lesson! So fast forward and now here I am with a sewing machine of my own and absolutely no fear of that tiny little needle that can sometimes look like a double sided machete. Again this was a desire that I found hiding out deep inside of me, and again I discovered that I had an understanding of what was required without a firm base of knowledge. I’m still getting there, but, I’ve managed to make a Dorothy Gale outfit for my daughter as well as a handful of other things, so I call that a triumph :).
So why are these things so exciting in my opinion? Well throughout my teenage years I fought against the stereotypical image of a girl, I didn’t want to become someone who cooked, cleaned, sewed and knitted. I felt strongly that my path went in a very different direction. So for me the learning of these skills is symbolic for having finally discovered the skills that had been dormant inside of myself as well the acceptance of myself as a whole.
I would love to say that’s where the learning stops, but it doesn’t. I am extremely independent and will always try to find a way of doing something myself before I ask for help. You tube is often my best friend, as is a huge DIY book I have hidden down by the couch. Learning allows me to develop as a person, it ensures that I’m constantly moving forward. This constant flow of energy provides a positive base for my mind.
This is a toughy of a question. I generally try to think of life without regret. Regret is no good for anyone, which means I spend very little time thinking about what if, what if is very much in the past. However there are a number of situations that when I consider what if, they make me appreciate that without doubt throughout my life there has been a greater force steering me in the right direction. So, I guess my what if question would start all those years ago in Scotland, what if my Dad had never discovered where about’s we were? What if cuddling up against my Dad on that long, long coach trip home had never become a memory. How different would I be now? Religion (Catholic) would without doubt be a driving force in my character, my accent would be harsh and coldness would be the only weather I knew! What if people’s decisions had been different, I could have known what life in the system was like, what if sacrifices hadn’t been made, I would have known a deep and resentful loneliness.
What if none of this happened, what if I had never misbehaved as a teenager, never known alcohol, never kissed a boy till marriage, never lifted my head up high enough to see the world. Would I still have become a poet? What would I write about? Would my words be an educated form of letters strung together by the grey and glued to the page with innocence? Where would my passion be? My desire to live? What if I had never discovered the joys of odd socks? Or the liberation of living a life where by my aim is to impress no one but myself?
I don’t want a life of what if’s. Those days have passed and become memories. It is always our choice how we recall the days gone and if we are in a constant state of what if then we are living in the past, one toe in the future filled with dread and fear. That is no life for anyone.
Karen Hayward ©2015.
Okay, something I feel strongly about. Wow this could take a while. I’ve already mentioned along the way a few things that are for me important issues, like, rudeness, it ain’t needed suck it up and say please, thank you or hell just give a knowing glance. I have also mentioned the anger that rises in me when I discover shops displaying flavoured chocolate next to milk chocolate, seriously you are posoining my senses! I love life, I love every aspect of it and there are o many things that I could talk about, things that will create fire inside of me and passion to spill out from my mouth, so for this reason I will give you a mini list.
- Socks. Life is too short to wear matching socks and for this reason alone it should become acceptable practice to wear odd socks…with shorts or skirts or even dresses :).
- Girl shaming, slut shaming and all the other stupid things I hear in regards to women that actually have an idea in regards to their sexuality is pathetic and needs to stop.
- Siestas and naps need to become the norm here in the UK, no really they do, that way I wouldn’t feel so bad when I fall alseep on the couch two mins after I get in from the morning school run, no Jeremy Kyle for me!
- The government should provide everyone with a cleaner, a cook and a gardener. Free of charge.
- Sanitary goods, tampax, towels all of that, should not be taxed. It is not a luxury to get your period (although in fairness same may consider it to be one) I don’t buy these products out of luxury, I buy them because it is socially unacceptable to go shopping with a huge red patch in my jeans 🙂 Get a grip on it.
Okay i’m going to cut my list short now and switch over to the serious stuff, now guys i’m sorry this is the bit where I show an entirely different side to myself. There are a handful of things I do feel strongly about, serious things, not that odd socks isn’t a serious matter though.
- Judging others. Firstly let’s define what I mean by judging. As humans it is a part of our nature to find our place within the society that we live. To do this we observe and compare. This is normal. It’s normal even to say to yourself that you are a better person then them, or that your dress is prettier, or your car better, this although not a pretty personality trait I consider normal. What I consider to be not normal, in fact this is something that makes my blood boil everytime and it will cause me to speak up, is when a person stands and judges someone on their misfortune. They stand and stare and comment and judge and simply watch. They don’t say,’hey I can see you need help.’ instead they throw the knives. They don’t say, ‘let me help you.’ they just whisper nastiness as the person struggles on. Standing their fiddling your thumbs as a person is struggling does not in any way make you a better person.
- Education, I feel strongly believe that every child deserves the right to an education, I also however strongly believe that the education provided should be taylored to individual children. I think schools and the education board need to open their eye’s and see the reality. A child that is living in poverty does not need to be punished for not doing their reading homework, that child, that family need help, punishing the child is damaging, helping the family is enlightening.
- Confidence, belief and faith in my opinion are lessons that need teaching in schools, every day of every year. So no more children leave education without a belief in themselves, their body, their self worth or capability.
Writing this short, at least in my opinion short piece has shown me once again that I am a chatterbox and I can talk about anything! I could keep going and going some more, but I have porridge that needs eating :).
Karen Hayward © 2015.
- Burning the porridge.
- Sleeping for more than a couple of hours.
- Being cold.
- Watching football.
- Cold baths
- Brushing my hair when there’s a tuggy!
- Flavored chocolate, oh dear God why would they do that and even worse why then place mint/ orange chocolate next to normal chocolate do they not realise that flavor seeps through into my delicious chocolate!
- Being loved..I can love others with ease, I just don’t see when others love me, so seriously peeps, placard marker pen and stick it in my face a million times…even then can’t promise i’ll see it!
- People not treating my daughter right!
- Mean people!
- Too much noise.
- Not being clumsy!
- Being told what to do!
- Life, at times!
I wrote this as a bullet list because I couldn’t settle on one single thing that I struggle with. The truth is I struggle with loads just like we all do, somethings more so than others!