Are there not a thousand things each day that we in some way miss? I miss the warmth of home. I miss going out drinking, stumbling home and sitting chatting whilst perching on the corner of that brown cord fold up chair! I miss being young and so very full of energy. I miss mountain dew, it never really picked up over here in the UK. I miss lay in’s. I miss the freedom of being able to sleep until my soul felt healed. I miss werther originals and the moments that came with them and cherry kisses. I miss the summer, already! I miss the snow that the clouds above the UK forget to spill each year.
But right now, I miss the relaxation, the calm of mind and the unsaid knowledge. I miss the soothing way thoughts could transport me, I miss my thoughts being clear and concise. I miss not wearing the mask.
Right now I miss the liberation of being able to spill words onto the page without this mental block that seems to be constantly screaming at me.
I miss the exclusive knowledge of shared thoughts that are now being spilled across the universe.
I miss having that knowledge of knowing how to speak to you.
I miss the beach…I only live a ten minute walk from the beach, i’m just being dramatic! I miss the beach on a warm day with the sun sweeping across my back and the grains of sand searching my feet. I miss the golden star dust that sprinkles itself across the ocean. I miss the soft hush of the ebbing tide as it licks at the shore.
I miss the stars as the sky becomes light and they disappear from view. I miss the moon and her luminous glow. I miss the emptiness of a clear, dark night. Nothing inside of me can ever feel as empty as the universe.
I miss all the thing that make me feel a step closer to myself.
Karen Hayward © 2015.
Write about five blessings in my life 🙂
- Oh my number one blessing is my daughter. She’s a child with needs and I could sit here and whack a label on her and most people would sit back and think oh yeah, I get that, i’ve read about that she must be like this or that…but I wont, because she isn’t. Instead let me tell you why from the second she was created inside of me she has been my blessing. Firstly it took over two years to conceive her, she was very much a wanted child and I discovered I was pregnant a couple of weeks after celebrating our one year wedding anniversary. You know within the first day whether you have given birth to a sleeper or an awaker, I had myself a sleeper, 23 hours a day for the first week, each week she slept less and i got to enjoy her even more. As she grew, I grew along side her, because for the first time someone needed me to be more than I believed I could I be. I did it for her not because she needed me to be the best mum I could be, I did it because I needed to be the best mum I could. She grew and grew and grew some more and on the one side the older she became the more obvious it was that she had extra needs (she barely spoke for the first five years…now you cannot shut her up!) People often ask me if I am aware of how different she is, no, not really, everything I do for her is a natural response to her. Sometimes though when it’s been a long day and she’s called me into her bedroom for the hundredth time because she needs a blankie that is right there next to her, I do think dear God, somebody please help me! But otherwise no. But the truth is she is eight, and still needs the same level of support and guidance you might give a five year old. She has to be prompted every step, every instruction has to be broken down, and I am constantly on guard for the type of language used around her (she takes hings literally!) just the other day we had a funny moment,
Me “You only ate a couple of mouth fulls, I need you to eat more.”
Her “You little liar!”…she then bursts into tears!
The reason for the tears was that she thought I had been calling her a liar, she thought (and rightfully, as it was a bad choice of words) that I had said she had only eaten two (a couple) mouth fulls of dinner!
She has something called Gravitational Insecurities (yeah I know I said no labels!) it basically means she has a fear of movement, if it moves it causes her extreme anxiety. Just take a moment to look around you and think about how much movement occurs naturally and constantly around you, just stop and think about the very beating of your heart, the constant drumming the constant movement. Everything causes her anxiety. And yet every single day she comes pounding along the hallway with the biggest smile on her face as she bravely faces each new day. Yes the world might scare her, but no she isn’t ready to admit defeat. She is braver than any adult I know.
She is amazingly innocent. She has a heart that is capable of so very much and constantly she is able to see good and happiness around her. She smiles even when inside she is breaking, she sings when her entire body is screaming in fear, she tries even when the mind is pleading with her that she can’t. She has shown me more beautiful things in this world than any body else. She is my blessing.
- My family, yeah I know, I know we all say it our family is a blessing. But the reality is a I had a childhood that could have been very different to the one I had. The choices made when I was a toddler ensured that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I often think myself lucky now as an adult when I see people around me declaring they hate their mum or dad or sibling. You see yes we argue, but we are always there for each other. Yes we disagree but we always have each others back and yes sometimes words get slung around but we never stoop so low to actually be spiteful and hurt one another. It seems to be a rarity these days. I am blessed to have my family.
- I am blessed that somewhere along the female genetic maternal line there is this huge streak of female creativity. A streak that comes more natural than anything I have ever felt, and although growing up outside of the maternal home I didn’t get to experience it growing up I have now discovered it and I am blessed because of it.
- I am blessed to live in a society where my opinions don’t get me arrested. I sometimes wonder I would survive living in a society that dictated her I should be, this thought scares me.
- I am blessed that along the paths I chose to take when growing up I clearly had an angel or two watching over me. Without them I do not know where I would have ended up. Thank you.
Karen Hayward ©2015.