Post 30 facts about yourself. 30 day writing challenge.

  1. I have blue eyes :).
  2. I don’t recall what colour my natural hair is, although I believe it’s a mousy brown. I first dyed it when I was twelve, black. Since then I’ve had it black, red, purple, pink, green, brown and blonde. I mainly dye it red now because I like the way red makes me feel.
  3. I do not have tattoo’s.
  4. I have had my nose pierced a few times over the years, but currently do not.
  5. I have a scar on my right index finger where I grated the tip off whilst grating a carrot.
  6. I also have three scars on my stomach (the worst one being inside my belly button) this is from the removal of a fallopian tube and ectopic pregnancy.
  7. I am right handed.
  8. I have hypermobility in some joints, this means i can touch my thumbs against the inside of my wrists, and bend my fingers in awkward positions! It also means my muscles pull and tear really easily and leaves me in a whole bucket load of pain!
  9. I have chronic pain.
  10. I have two older brothers, one older sister and one younger sister. I didn’t grow up with them, but I did grow up alongside them.
  11. I don’t own scales. I don’t even know how much I weigh. I don’t really care either.
  12. When I was four I vomited mince and potato’s with a blackcurrant splash, I can eat mince and mash still but can also be really funny about it as it turns my stomach!
  13. I don’t eat breakfast.
  14. I rarely drink alcohol. But when I do I can usually keep up with the best of them!
  15. I don’t watch a great deal of TV.
  16. I don’t have facebook or twitter on my phone!
  17. I left school age 16 with just two GCSE’s at grade C. Everything else was lower.
  18. At school I played on the athletics team, netball team and played hockey.
  19. I did everything the right way. Marriage, mortgage, baby.
  20. If in the right mood I will argue that white is black and black is white…and win.
  21. I don’t like hotdogs.
  22. I’m almost always cold!
  23. I’ve seen Eminem in concert.
  24. When it comes to my daughter I plan everything down to the T, when it comes to me alone I wing it every step of the way.
  25. I like peace, I like being on my own, I don’t really get that lonely feel.
  26. For the past five years I’ve been trying to grow veg in the garden, some years we do great other years we forget to water them.
  27. I should not ever be given another plant, I can’t even keep cactus alive!
  28. I work at my best under extreme pressure.
  29. I am completely useless with technology, I have no idea how to use my phone, no idea how to use my laptop, or the tv or dvd player or blueray player. But I strongly believe this is a choice I make, as when I need to figure something out I alsway’s do!
  30. I haven’t ever broken a bone in my body…touch wood!!

30 day writing challenge-Write something that somebody told you about yourself that you never forgot

Apparently I cannot read or understand the basics of math. Day two of the writing challenge should have been “Write something that somebody told you about yourself that you never forgot” and day three should have been pet peeves. Oh well, wouldn’t have helped anyway, as I still have nothing for this question, at least nothing good.  I really want to tell you that at some point in my life someone stopped me and whispered words of wisdom to me that gave me strength and courage in the darker days. But the truth is this has not happened, people didn’t believe me, they couldn’t believe in me I gave them nothing to believe in. Don’t get me wrong, my dad has always been a huge believer in me and I know growing up there are a million things he told me that I will never forget and at the same time never remember because he did it in such a way that he whispered these things into my spirit and soul. So instead I choose to tell you about those people that told me I was worthless; those people who could not look me in the eye and even acknowledge my existence, those people that gave up on me long before I had even considered giving up on myself. There was a time when I did it for you, to prove you wrong so that one day you might stand and see what it was that you walked away from, and then I realised I was no longer doing it for anyone other than myself. I became what you believed I never could and still it isn’t enough for you.

The question “and never forgot.” suggests something that has been said to me many years before and as I’ve thought this question over time and time again I keep falling onto the same person, but it’s not something they said that I will never forget, it’s something that they saw. They saw past all of my darkness and still liked what was left. That is something that in the future, when our year becomes years, I will never forget.

Silence in the Chaos.

In the silence I found strength hidden beneath chaos

waiting to be discovered. I greeted her like an old friend

and asked her of her tales. She told me of a girl that shone

so bright, she lit up the darkest nights. She showed me images

of a girl that had loved herself so deeply that it spilled out

over the edges and infected those around her. She asked what I

recalled of those starless nights, and I replied, ‘Nothing.’

Sometimes when no one is around, she whispers

memories into my mind, lighting flames that had

long gone out. And when I asked her why does she stay,

she simply whispered back,

‘To wake you, remember, remember who you are, remember.’

In the silence, I found strength hidden beneath chaos,

waiting there for me to remember.

Dislocated Jaw thoughts and taking for granted the smallest of things.

Today’s thought is about our ability to talk, to sing, to laugh and how we often take this for granted…at least I take it for granted. On average I probably smile and laugh about 99% of my day, simply because I see beauty all around me and because I love the way it makes me feel, I talk constantly and often to myself and in my opinion there is no better feeling then to burst into song (I can’t sing, i’m tone deaf i’m sure, but this does not bother me in the slightest.) And then it happened, right there at the beginning of the summer holidays, when I should have been at my very best; screaming, shouting, laughing, singing and talking was the very foundation of our summer plans…I dislocated my jaw. I couldn’t do single thing, I couldn’t eat or drink or laugh or smile, I couldn’t even cry, I couldn’t sing or even talk and each day I saved all my energy for those small moments with my daughter where  I would whisper to her that she was my world. Never in my life have I appreciated my jaw movement more than in those dark and dismal days. Now, anyone that knows me will tell you that not being able to talk or sing or laugh does not come naturally to me and so as my jaw healed I was eager to start using it again…and I dislocated the opposite side. I went on to dislocate it another two times, so four times in total in a 6 week period. I spent the summer holidays in a diazepam haze, trust me it’s a very lonely haze to be in. Thankfully my lovely physio has been able to beat the hell out of me and I do now have my lovely jaw movements back, and my god am I loving it. I shall never, ever take for granted my lovely beautiful jaw again!!

I’ll Show You Your Dreams.

Tired and exhausted and my mind is a light

with the everyday life, that for my child is a fight.

But I promise you girl, I promise you this,

i’ll give you the words that you happen to miss.

I’ll be your hope, i’ll be your courage

i’ll be your strength, i’ll be your voice

and i’ll show you every day, that you

have a choice.

We’ll talk and we’ll touch and we’ll

play and we’ll learn,

‘Mum.’ is a title that I’ll truly earn.

I’ll show you your dreams, i’ll hold

your hand all the way,

because I promise you this,

you will be okay.

Karen Hayward (Copyright) 2015.

I love it all.

When I was young, I truly knew what it was to love. To swim

dreamily in and out of childish fantasies, bathed in the golden

rays of an eternal sun. I loved it all. The searing heat of summers

that begged to never end and the cold frost of winter that clawed

through to my soul. I loved it all. I loved each person I met in differing

degrees, some I loved for a day, some for an eternity.

I loved to talk. To strangers, to people I had known my entire life,

to people I would never see again. I would never know their name.

I loved to sing as I walked, skipped, ran and jumped. To sing so

loud people would stop and stare. I didn’t care.

I loved to stay awake all night, to watch as the moon ruled the

skies, her light showing us the dying stars. Then to sit, body humming

as the sun reached up and yawned into a fresh new day. Her

yellow arms reaching through into the deep depths of a blue sky.

I loved it all. I loved to wake I loved to sleep. I loved to explore

new corners of my battered, broken home town. I saw beauty

in each step I took, I saw beauty in each hand I shook. I loved

it all. I love it all. I love all that I touch. All that I see. Perhaps

for a second, perhaps, for eternity.

Karen Hayward. (c) 2015.