- I have blue eyes :).
- I don’t recall what colour my natural hair is, although I believe it’s a mousy brown. I first dyed it when I was twelve, black. Since then I’ve had it black, red, purple, pink, green, brown and blonde. I mainly dye it red now because I like the way red makes me feel.
- I do not have tattoo’s.
- I have had my nose pierced a few times over the years, but currently do not.
- I have a scar on my right index finger where I grated the tip off whilst grating a carrot.
- I also have three scars on my stomach (the worst one being inside my belly button) this is from the removal of a fallopian tube and ectopic pregnancy.
- I am right handed.
- I have hypermobility in some joints, this means i can touch my thumbs against the inside of my wrists, and bend my fingers in awkward positions! It also means my muscles pull and tear really easily and leaves me in a whole bucket load of pain!
- I have chronic pain.
- I have two older brothers, one older sister and one younger sister. I didn’t grow up with them, but I did grow up alongside them.
- I don’t own scales. I don’t even know how much I weigh. I don’t really care either.
- When I was four I vomited mince and potato’s with a blackcurrant splash, I can eat mince and mash still but can also be really funny about it as it turns my stomach!
- I don’t eat breakfast.
- I rarely drink alcohol. But when I do I can usually keep up with the best of them!
- I don’t watch a great deal of TV.
- I don’t have facebook or twitter on my phone!
- I left school age 16 with just two GCSE’s at grade C. Everything else was lower.
- At school I played on the athletics team, netball team and played hockey.
- I did everything the right way. Marriage, mortgage, baby.
- If in the right mood I will argue that white is black and black is white…and win.
- I don’t like hotdogs.
- I’m almost always cold!
- I’ve seen Eminem in concert.
- When it comes to my daughter I plan everything down to the T, when it comes to me alone I wing it every step of the way.
- I like peace, I like being on my own, I don’t really get that lonely feel.
- For the past five years I’ve been trying to grow veg in the garden, some years we do great other years we forget to water them.
- I should not ever be given another plant, I can’t even keep cactus alive!
- I work at my best under extreme pressure.
- I am completely useless with technology, I have no idea how to use my phone, no idea how to use my laptop, or the tv or dvd player or blueray player. But I strongly believe this is a choice I make, as when I need to figure something out I alsway’s do!
- I haven’t ever broken a bone in my body…touch wood!!
Apparently I cannot read or understand the basics of math. Day two of the writing challenge should have been “Write something that somebody told you about yourself that you never forgot” and day three should have been pet peeves. Oh well, wouldn’t have helped anyway, as I still have nothing for this question, at least nothing good. I really want to tell you that at some point in my life someone stopped me and whispered words of wisdom to me that gave me strength and courage in the darker days. But the truth is this has not happened, people didn’t believe me, they couldn’t believe in me I gave them nothing to believe in. Don’t get me wrong, my dad has always been a huge believer in me and I know growing up there are a million things he told me that I will never forget and at the same time never remember because he did it in such a way that he whispered these things into my spirit and soul. So instead I choose to tell you about those people that told me I was worthless; those people who could not look me in the eye and even acknowledge my existence, those people that gave up on me long before I had even considered giving up on myself. There was a time when I did it for you, to prove you wrong so that one day you might stand and see what it was that you walked away from, and then I realised I was no longer doing it for anyone other than myself. I became what you believed I never could and still it isn’t enough for you.
The question “and never forgot.” suggests something that has been said to me many years before and as I’ve thought this question over time and time again I keep falling onto the same person, but it’s not something they said that I will never forget, it’s something that they saw. They saw past all of my darkness and still liked what was left. That is something that in the future, when our year becomes years, I will never forget.
In the silence I found strength hidden beneath chaos
waiting to be discovered. I greeted her like an old friend
and asked her of her tales. She told me of a girl that shone
so bright, she lit up the darkest nights. She showed me images
of a girl that had loved herself so deeply that it spilled out
over the edges and infected those around her. She asked what I
recalled of those starless nights, and I replied, ‘Nothing.’
Sometimes when no one is around, she whispers
memories into my mind, lighting flames that had
long gone out. And when I asked her why does she stay,
she simply whispered back,
‘To wake you, remember, remember who you are, remember.’
In the silence, I found strength hidden beneath chaos,
waiting there for me to remember.
Today’s thought is about our ability to talk, to sing, to laugh and how we often take this for granted…at least I take it for granted. On average I probably smile and laugh about 99% of my day, simply because I see beauty all around me and because I love the way it makes me feel, I talk constantly and often to myself and in my opinion there is no better feeling then to burst into song (I can’t sing, i’m tone deaf i’m sure, but this does not bother me in the slightest.) And then it happened, right there at the beginning of the summer holidays, when I should have been at my very best; screaming, shouting, laughing, singing and talking was the very foundation of our summer plans…I dislocated my jaw. I couldn’t do single thing, I couldn’t eat or drink or laugh or smile, I couldn’t even cry, I couldn’t sing or even talk and each day I saved all my energy for those small moments with my daughter where I would whisper to her that she was my world. Never in my life have I appreciated my jaw movement more than in those dark and dismal days. Now, anyone that knows me will tell you that not being able to talk or sing or laugh does not come naturally to me and so as my jaw healed I was eager to start using it again…and I dislocated the opposite side. I went on to dislocate it another two times, so four times in total in a 6 week period. I spent the summer holidays in a diazepam haze, trust me it’s a very lonely haze to be in. Thankfully my lovely physio has been able to beat the hell out of me and I do now have my lovely jaw movements back, and my god am I loving it. I shall never, ever take for granted my lovely beautiful jaw again!!
Tired and exhausted and my mind is a light
with the everyday life, that for my child is a fight.
But I promise you girl, I promise you this,
i’ll give you the words that you happen to miss.
I’ll be your hope, i’ll be your courage
i’ll be your strength, i’ll be your voice
and i’ll show you every day, that you
have a choice.
We’ll talk and we’ll touch and we’ll
play and we’ll learn,
‘Mum.’ is a title that I’ll truly earn.
I’ll show you your dreams, i’ll hold
your hand all the way,
because I promise you this,
you will be okay.
Karen Hayward (Copyright) 2015.
When I was young, I truly knew what it was to love. To swim
dreamily in and out of childish fantasies, bathed in the golden
rays of an eternal sun. I loved it all. The searing heat of summers
that begged to never end and the cold frost of winter that clawed
through to my soul. I loved it all. I loved each person I met in differing
degrees, some I loved for a day, some for an eternity.
I loved to talk. To strangers, to people I had known my entire life,
to people I would never see again. I would never know their name.
I loved to sing as I walked, skipped, ran and jumped. To sing so
loud people would stop and stare. I didn’t care.
I loved to stay awake all night, to watch as the moon ruled the
skies, her light showing us the dying stars. Then to sit, body humming
as the sun reached up and yawned into a fresh new day. Her
yellow arms reaching through into the deep depths of a blue sky.
I loved it all. I loved to wake I loved to sleep. I loved to explore
new corners of my battered, broken home town. I saw beauty
in each step I took, I saw beauty in each hand I shook. I loved
it all. I love it all. I love all that I touch. All that I see. Perhaps
for a second, perhaps, for eternity.
Karen Hayward. (c) 2015.
So, I was just nosing through the spam folder and I found this hiding away in there as though it had no importance in my life. Oh my goodness, how wrong, such a big surprise though. Thank you annoymous !ndian for nominating me for this super fantastic amazing award.
The rules for this very prestigious award are as follows:
1. Display the Liebster Award badge on your blog.
2. Thank and link back to the person who nominated you.
3. Answer the nominator’s 11 questions.
4. Nominate 11 other new bloggers.
5. Draft 11 new questions for the people nominated by you.
6. Notify your nominees.
So, annoymous !ndian gave me these lovely questions. I’m actually looking forward to answering these, as it’s been a while since i’ve really reached out and interacted on the blog.
1. If you could choose a superpower, what would it be?
Oh Jesus Christ, I want them all. Lets start with Superman, now I love this guy, he can fly, is super strong and always comes swooping in to save the day just in time. I’d love to be able to just fly out of my window and float up there in space amongst the stars. Super strength would also be a great asset, and speed too, oh imagine how fast I could get the housework done, it would be good. As much as Superman is my real life super hero, and I do love my superman pjs, and jumper, seriously the man rocks my boat. But I think I saw on X-men one of the mutants had the power to change super powers, all he had to do was touch them and he took on their super power…power absorption…yeah I want that, I want a little teeny tiny bit of everything. Guys go check out this great page on super hero powers :).
2. Which book/movie character can you relate yourself the most with?
Oh this ones a toughy, i’m not entirely sure that I feel like I can relate to any characters. I think I often read to find escape, escape from me and my world, to explore how life could be or is for other people. However, there is a character in The Color Purple, Alice Walker. Mary Agnes, Squeak
‘Harpo say, I love you, Squeak. He kneel down and try to put his arms round her waist. She stand up. My name Mary Agnes, she say.’
This is the point when Mary Agnes takes control over her own life, she’s just raped and beaten. This simple line shows so much strength, it also shows the importance of a simple name, it is who we are, and who we refuse to be. I do have a thing about my name, it is the name I was given at birth, it is who I am, it is my strength and my power.
3.What inspired you to start blogging?
Nothing. Nothing inspired me to blog. I was completing my English degree and as part of my course I decided on a whim to choose an easier module (creative writing), I needed a rest and wanted to study something less intense and more enjoyable. I wasn’t expecting to be any good at writing. We were advised that we needed to be writing every day, a blog, it was advised, is a good way of doing that. So blindly I set up my blog with no idea of how or why. Like most things in life it soon became apparent what the purpose of my blog should be as I learned to write and explore different modes. Poetry came naturally to me in a way I never could have even have dreamed. It took a good year or so, for me to find my feet and truly start to bloom.
4. What is the most breathtaking sight you have seen?
Ok deep breathe, here I go;
- my daughter, covered in slime and blood, wrinkled and crying, looking at me, looking at her for the first time,
- my cat giving birth! seriously that stuff is crazy cool,
- the moment my daughter and her besty managed to resolve a quarrel between the pair of them for the first time…they’re growing up!
- I live at the seaside, and a few times a year we have a super massive high tide with waves crashing well over the sea defences. It is an amazing sight to see as this ferocious wave crashes down to earth followed by a seconds echoless silence.
- Italy, such an amazingly unique creation.
- A swarm of Dragonflies that kept visiting my garden in the summer last year! To see one is amazing, but too see a swarm of them dancing for you, breathtaking.
5. Books vs Movies? Which one do you think is better? Why?
99% of the time it is books. The thing I love about books is that so much of the visualisation of the story is based upon your own life experiences. This allows us to connect to the story and truly relate, it gives us release and exploration of our own thoughts.
Sometimes, the film makers get it right though, sometimes. Game of Thrones I think is a great example of a book turned tv programme that has worked, and worked fantastically.
6. How would you describe yourself in one sentence?
I wouldn’t that’s just crazy talk, one sentence? Ain’t gonna happen…but i’ll try.
I’m a good soul with a wildly fierce spirit. 🙂
That wasn’t so hard!
7. What is the most important lesson life has taught you?
Another toughy. I guess its gonna have to be, not to judge another person and when and where you can offer support and understanding. I mean who really cares, aint my place to care. If someone is happy then we should celebrate that happiness, not try and tear it down. We could all do with caring a little less about the opinions off others, life is for living, your way. There is no happiness to be found by waking up each morning and hiding behind a mask that you just don’t want to be wearing. People will except you, or not. Those that don’t, most likely have nothing productive they can offer you anyway, so really there is no loss.
8. What’s your favourite colour?
Yellow…like daffodils and daisies. Red…like wild passion and crimson blood. Purple..I actually have no reason for loving purple and yet I find it every where in my life, I suspect purple may be a colour that my soul loves. My favourite colour can change from one moment to the next depending on my mood.
9. If you could travel anywhere in the world and money was no object, where would you go? Why?
America, route 66. Why? Intrigue I think.
10. Have you ever believed in ghosts?
Yes. As a kid I believed that ghosts were every where, hiding, waiting to scare me. As an adult my beliefs and knowledge have advanced. I don’t not believe in ghosts, but I am forever looking for proof, not ready just yet to blindly believe in something that I cannot see, and I think this is a good thing, I think that when we finally accept something like this, we stop searching and advancing, and instead accept blindly what we are told.
11. If you could live your life in a fictional world (like Panem, Hogwarts etc.) which one would you choose?
Narnia…no, no, no down the rabbit hole….no, no, no Hogwarts. Fuck it i’d be a fictional world hopper, diving between worlds as and when I wanted too!
Oh that was fun!
So who do I nominate….YOU. Yep that’s right, did you stop and read this, yep? Then you is nominated! So show me some love! The questions are as follows;
1. Odd socks? Love them or loathe them? When was the last time you wore odds?
2. It’s late at night and you’re peckish, what naughty food do you crave?
3. What does your dream home look like? (if money were no problem)
4. Elsa or Anna and why? (Frozen)
5. What are your secret reading habits? (I like to read old ladies magazines at the doctors surgery!)
6. What’s the funniest joke you know?
7. What is your fave book and why?
8. When the zombie apocalypse happens, what’s your plans for survival?
9. What is the toughest lesson you have had to learn in life?
10. Real book or e-reader, and why?
11. What are your plans if over night the entire world loses internet connection?
Ha ha have fun guys!
How i’ve longed to love you so,
for days to pass, to come and go.
How i’ve wished away the stars,
to keep myself upon this path.
Silent words to the universe,
promised wishes and muttered curse.
But never did you see me so,
and now my love, I must go.
The end has come,
for this lonely show.
Karen Hayward (Copyright 2015.)
You cannot follow where I must go,
the days are long, the nights are slow.
Darkness forms inside my head,
even Satan fills with dread.
Heart fuelled by love alone,
weakness gone, my strength has grown.
Feathered wings of dawn and dusk,
the soft scent of eternal musk.
spirit soars for this ride,
take cover, go please, and hide,
for the lions roar inside my mind,
refuses now, to be ever kind.
Karen Hayward (Copyright 2015)