A mothers voice in chaos.

♥ For Emily-Rose, always I will be your voice.

 

Dear Teacher,

They tell me to empower you to show you the way

to tell you the things that you really should say.

They tell me to stay calm and use positive words

but surely you know the definition of these terms.

Individuals you say you treat them the same

a contradiction of words your excuses are lame.

But you know best, you learned from a book

and just a few years is all it took.

You’ve seen it before you’ll see it again

these kids to you are simply a pain.

They need this, they need that

and fidget constantly where they are sat.

They’re calm, they’re a whirlwind, a tornado of sorts

and no one really knows what’s in those thoughts.

So hard to reach

so hard to teach,

so listen now to a mothers speech.

Listen to me and you’ll hear her voice

anxiety is not her choice.

She doesn’t choose to with hold

or do exactly what she’s told.

She isn’t all smiles and happy and love

why can’t you see she finds school tough?

Open your eye’s and watch how she flies,

can’t you see how much she tries?

she mimics the world but the clues are there

please, just show her that you actually care.

Do as you tell and look as you see

be the person you want her to be.

Don’t tell her you will, you can and it’s done

her fears are real not a bit of fun.

I know she’s a mouse in a black hole of silence

but the anxiety she feels is an internal violence.

Stop looking past, over and through

show her that she can trust you.

Each day I stand back and watch her walk

knowing she’s spending another day unable to talk.

You’ll utter across her avoiding her eyes,

‘why didn’t tell me? Why?’

Your tone has gone up, your body has moved

gone is the voice all tender and smooth.

She did wrong, she did wrong and doesn’t know why

her tears are swelling she just wants to cry.

But you hold that stare, the one filled with fear

waiting for the answer to suddenly appear.

The answer to what? The why’s and the hows

forgotten by the now’s?

Why am I telling you this

you trained for years to become their Miss.

Why every few months are we here once again

whatever I tell you, it ain’t gonna change.

So I take a deep breath and think of glitter

trying to push back the emotional bitter.

I smile and talk and go through the list

hoping to God there’s nothing I’ve missed.

You’ll nod and agree and say you can see

this is reality, the way it will always be.

 

Karen Hayward ©2015

 

Diamonds falling from the sky.

The one time of year when glitter falls from the skies.

I huddle by the fire that burns so very high.

My fingers are cold and my sight filled with gold

and everyone’s here the young and the old.

A penny for the guy that burns up in flames

and I whisper goodbye to the one that I named.

Orange flickers, sizzling sparklers and flying ash

the wood begins to cackle and suddenly crash.

It’s dark and i’m scared and feel all alone

and I wonder if it’s time for us to go home.

I reach for his hand, look for his coat

a sob is caught there in the back of my throat.

The crowd is so big and I am so small

I slip on the mud and i’m scared I will fall.

A hand reaches out and touches my arm

and suddenly I feel an overwhelming calm.

I’m up on his shoulders having a rest,

‘So we don’t lose you again.’ he says in jest.

I look to the dark as silent diamonds fly

such beauty, I simply cry.

Love.

I didn’t know what love was,
Till I held you,
in my arms that night,
As the night sky cleared
and the moon light rained down.
I didn’t know what love was,
Till a small cry escaped your lips as we lay sleeping in the
lonely room,
i didn’t know what love was till i reached across and felt the needle in my hand pull me back,
till i ripped the needle out and watched my blood pool as I gathered up your tiny little body and held you close, and whispered in your ear, a promise. A promise of love.

Karen Hayward ©2015.

A battle of anxious proportions.

Dear Mr anxiety,
You ain’t ever gonna get me.
I know you wait and stare,
You think it’s only fair.
You make my body ache,
you make my limbs shake,
my heart beat faster,
But, dear Mr anxiety, you ain’t my master.
Did you see me on the swing last week?
Laying back in that big round seat?
You wanted out to play,
but my Mummy whispered,
‘it’s all okay’,
her voice was like a light,
as you battled for the fight.
Did you see me on those stairs?
it was my biggest dare,
just you and me.
my mummy said,
Eyes up, look ahead.
But you whispered in my ear,
My body shook with fear,
you said, i cannot do it,
the stairs will break,
i will trip or miss,
Mummy just gave me a gentle kiss then whispered ‘baby you have this.’
Dear Mr Anxiety, I know your wings are big, they help you spread your fear,
but my mummy always knows when you are near.
Her wings are only small,
But they catch my every fall,  they light my every dark
And calm my beating heart.
So come watch me as I play,
Block my path,
I’ll find a different way,
Freeze my body still
blood pumping like a drill,
Make my body shake
And my muscles ache.
Your strength is mighty,
This is true,
But my mummy is
Mightier than
you.

Childhood cancer.

This is my beautiful and amazingly strong baby niece Delilah, she is 9 months old and fighting (with all her strength) a rare and aggressive form of cancer (stage 4) that is ravaging her tiny little body.

Delilah is the daughter of my youngest sister Dannielle, she has a big sister herself called Isabella. Delilah’s mum and dad (Dannielle and Antony) have set this fundraising page up because they are desperate to be able to spend as much time as they can with their daugher, as a family. Right now, more than ever Delilah needs her family at her side, they are her strength. She is currently undergoing regular chemotherapy which involves spending time at Great Ormond Street (an absolutely amazing hospital) Money raised through this fundraising will be used to ensure Delilah has her mum and dad at her side when she needs them most, it will ensure that Isabella has the chance to get to know her little sister, it will give Delilah days out int he sunshine to see things that make her smile, to see anything that is not a hospital environment, it will be used to buy Delilah toys, to fill Delilah’s days with happy thoughts, with happiness. Thank you for reading, please donate, if you cannot donate then please share this post. xx

http://fnd.us/c/8veD1

Stars that light the way.

Another day to find my way,
In this broken battered life,
of fairy tales and old folk law
ebbing aimlessly at the littered shore.
Another day,
to beg and pray,
that from the surf
we’ll find what’s worth
to turn this all the other way.
Another sun,
Another moon,
The day sweeps in all too soon.
Dying stars,
up so far,
out of reach,
A spectres beach.
Another day to fight
the dark,
Another day, to be your light.