I feel consumed, my thoughts I should say feel consumed. As a writer my mind rarely stops, it’s hard to explain to someone whose mind ticks a way at a normal rate, that mine, never stops. I analyse my every thought, my every word, every decision I make has had hours of thought. Generally this comes as easy to me as breathing. But I feel today like a major traffic jam has occured in my head, not one line of thought, but several. I hope that by sharing them I can start the process of unravelling them and letting them go. I’ve been writing for days with no such luck, just a handful of unfinished poems created from unfinished thoughts. So, what is it that is consuming my thoughts…
1. Someone told me I need to impress them, my reaction? I wasn’t put on this earth to impress others, I do not care, at all, what others think of me. If they feel a need to judge me in some way then they are not for me. But what they are right, what if I am too soft forbthis world, what if I do need to get tougher to fight dor a place in society.
2. What the fuck is love anyway. I know right, nothing like a little philosophical thought at bedtime. But really what is love, and can ‘love’ truly be used to describe our feelings towards people. Is love enough? Take soul mates and twin flames for example is love enough of a description for the feelings involved? And valentines day, am I alone in thinking that valentines day is a stupid day, surely you should show love every single day. Someone told me that there is a bridge in paris, and cambridge I think where lovers can throw the key to a padlock signed with their initials into the water….see now thats romantic, fuck flowers from the supermarket, give me real love any day, i just gotta figure out what real love is first.
3. Spiritual journey, that sounds like such religious gibbledy gooch, but since the day I put pen to paper my life has changed, my path changed direction and i saw the world in a new way. I am learning to listen to my gut (i won a tenner on scratch cards the other day cos my gut was screaming at me to buy two scratch cards, i only ever buy them when i get a gut instinct and i always win, small but always win, anyway boom the second card was the tenner :-)) Anyway, my instinct, my thoughts and my dreams are screaming for me to take a final step that makes no sense to me.
4. How the hell do people work, be mums, housewifes and find time for themselves.
5. I feel like i am losing my identity, like i am supposed to reach out for the new one, but the new one is scary.
6. Life feels like it is going too fast, and I feel like i am winging it, but my gut is saying to embrace it, it is all stuff I am capable of.
7. I want to wear purple knickers for work, but can’t find the right purple ones, I think I want shorts with thrills across the bum. I want a bit of my personality each and every day.
8. I have to wear my hair tied back for work everyday, it makes me feel exposed, I know I have to learn to accept it, I deserve to be seen, and I wear my hair down as a shield to hide behind.
9. I feel lost and yet I feel found.
So many thoughts they are consuming me, no answers in sight and yet my mind refuses to let them go. I know the universe helps me a long the way, directs me where I need to go, where I need to be. I know that some questions can not be answered in words, some I must simply trust in, but trust is an amazingly decietful emotion. Since I was a child i’ve been able to pick up on other peoples energy, I can feel the lies that they say, the pretence, for a long time I blocked it out completely I was living in a life filled with hate and lies, I no longer block it, I control it, I can control my reaction to every emotion except kindness and love, these energies come through to me in a confused way, which add further confusion to me, I guess its been so long since ive known kindness, my mind is constantly looking for the ulterior motive. I stopped.looking now, and started believing instead, which is why my mind is at a cross road, to believe I need to let go of the last strand and reveal the part of me that is most vulnerable, the part of me that is truly niave, I know it is the next step of my path, my dreams constantly tell me, my thoughts constantly tell me, my instinct constantly.reassures me, but none of it tells me how the fuck to do it!