There’s no…

*Poems theme, the acceptance of occupational therapy led specialist equipment for a child with neurological needs ( gravitational insecurities, ASD, learning needs) Sigh.
There’s no 

preparation 

for the hiccoughs 

along our road. 

No amount of 

reading,

talking

or thinking. 

No one to catch 

me if I pause

and consider. 

So I choose

to see this 

with the same 

silver lining I see 

in every cloud that lands

upon my mat.
Karen Hayward ©2016

write about five blessings in your life. 30 day writing challenges.

Write about five blessings in my life 🙂

  1. Oh my number one blessing is my daughter. She’s a child with needs and I could sit here and whack a label on her and most people would sit back and think oh yeah, I get that, i’ve read about that she must be like this or that…but I wont, because she isn’t. Instead let me tell you why from the second she was created inside of me she has been my blessing. Firstly it took over two years to conceive her, she was very much a wanted child and I discovered I was pregnant a couple of weeks after celebrating our one year wedding anniversary. You know within the first day whether you have given birth to a sleeper or an awaker, I had myself a sleeper, 23 hours a day for the first week, each week she slept less and i got to enjoy her even more. As she grew, I grew along side her, because for the first time someone needed me to be more than I believed I could I be. I did it for her not because she needed me to be the best mum I could be, I did it because I needed to be the best mum I could. She grew and grew and grew some more and on the one side the older she became the more obvious it was that she had extra needs (she barely spoke for the first five years…now you cannot shut her up!) People often ask me if I am aware of how different she is, no, not really, everything I do for her is a natural response to her. Sometimes though when it’s been a long day and she’s called me into her bedroom for the hundredth time because she needs a blankie that is right there next to her, I do think dear God, somebody please help me! But otherwise no. But the truth is she is eight, and still needs the same level of support and guidance you might give a five year old. She has to be prompted every step, every instruction has to be broken down, and I am constantly on guard for the type of language used around her (she takes hings literally!) just the other day we had a funny moment,

Me “You only ate a couple of mouth fulls, I need you to eat more.”

Her “You little liar!”…she then bursts into tears!

The reason for the tears was that she thought I had been calling her a liar, she thought (and rightfully, as it was a bad choice of words) that I had said she had only eaten two (a couple) mouth fulls of dinner!

She has something called Gravitational Insecurities (yeah I know I said no labels!) it basically means she has a fear of movement, if it moves it causes her extreme anxiety. Just take a moment to look around you and think about how much movement occurs naturally and constantly around you, just stop and think about the very beating of your heart, the constant drumming the constant movement. Everything causes her anxiety. And yet every single day she comes pounding along the hallway with the biggest smile on her face as she bravely faces each new day. Yes the world might scare her, but no she isn’t ready to admit defeat. She is braver than any adult I know.

She is amazingly innocent. She has a heart that is capable of so very much and constantly she is able to see good and happiness around her. She smiles even when inside she is breaking, she sings when her entire body is screaming in fear, she tries even when the mind is pleading with her that she can’t. She has shown me more beautiful things in this world than any body else. She is my blessing.

  1. My family, yeah I know, I know we all say it our family is a blessing.  But the reality is a I had a childhood that could have been very different to the one I had. The choices made when I was a toddler ensured that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I often think myself lucky now as an adult when I see people around me declaring they hate their mum or dad or sibling. You see yes we argue, but we are always there for each other. Yes we disagree but we always have each others back and yes sometimes words get slung around but we never stoop so low to actually be spiteful and hurt one another. It seems to be a rarity these days. I am blessed to have my family.
  2. I am blessed that somewhere along the female genetic maternal line there is this huge streak of female creativity. A streak that comes more natural than anything I have ever felt, and although growing up outside of the maternal home I didn’t get to experience it growing up I have now discovered it and I am blessed because of it.
  3. I am blessed to live in a society where my opinions don’t get me arrested. I sometimes wonder I would survive living in a society that dictated her I should be, this thought scares me.
  4. I am blessed that along the paths I chose to take when growing up I clearly had an angel or two watching over me. Without them I do not know where I would have ended up. Thank you.

Karen Hayward ©2015.

I’ll Show You Your Dreams.

Tired and exhausted and my mind is a light

with the everyday life, that for my child is a fight.

But I promise you girl, I promise you this,

i’ll give you the words that you happen to miss.

I’ll be your hope, i’ll be your courage

i’ll be your strength, i’ll be your voice

and i’ll show you every day, that you

have a choice.

We’ll talk and we’ll touch and we’ll

play and we’ll learn,

‘Mum.’ is a title that I’ll truly earn.

I’ll show you your dreams, i’ll hold

your hand all the way,

because I promise you this,

you will be okay.

Karen Hayward (Copyright) 2015.

A battle of anxious proportions.

Dear Mr anxiety,
You ain’t ever gonna get me.
I know you wait and stare,
You think it’s only fair.
You make my body ache,
you make my limbs shake,
my heart beat faster,
But, dear Mr anxiety, you ain’t my master.
Did you see me on the swing last week?
Laying back in that big round seat?
You wanted out to play,
but my Mummy whispered,
‘it’s all okay’,
her voice was like a light,
as you battled for the fight.
Did you see me on those stairs?
it was my biggest dare,
just you and me.
my mummy said,
Eyes up, look ahead.
But you whispered in my ear,
My body shook with fear,
you said, i cannot do it,
the stairs will break,
i will trip or miss,
Mummy just gave me a gentle kiss then whispered ‘baby you have this.’
Dear Mr Anxiety, I know your wings are big, they help you spread your fear,
but my mummy always knows when you are near.
Her wings are only small,
But they catch my every fall,  they light my every dark
And calm my beating heart.
So come watch me as I play,
Block my path,
I’ll find a different way,
Freeze my body still
blood pumping like a drill,
Make my body shake
And my muscles ache.
Your strength is mighty,
This is true,
But my mummy is
Mightier than
you.

The lions whisper.

Dear Teacher,

Today I trust you with my world,

so please, take care of my little girl.

She worked so hard to make it here

to fight back the terrible fear.

It’s hard for you to understand,

if you’ll only listen, I know you can.

Anxiety is no ones friend,

but most of all it’s not pretend.

Too scared to move,

you doubt it’s true,

if only for a moment, I wish you knew.

It’s not a coat or a badge of pride,

it’s a crippling fear, deep down inside.

It wears no face, it has no laugh,

it’s not tattooed there upon a scarf.

So hold her hand, take deep breaths,

she’s using up all that’s left.

That little whisper, is a lions roar,

don’t wait until, she can take no more.

Today I trust you with my world,

so please, take care of my brave, brave girl.