Never forgiven.

The rustling paper bag pulled me into reality, 

I imagined it was white and filled with sherbet pips 

or aniseed balls or 

strawberry bon bons the sweet flavoured powder coating your fingers.

I wondered where you had stashed them as the seconds continued to move.

The paper bag continued to rustle a constant noise that scraped along the inside of my soul. 

Hand in, hand out, hand in, hand out, hand in…

then I heard you wretch. 

Racing heart, a scream caught in my throat. 
We are in your living room. 

You are screaming at me. 

I didn’t even know that 

I knew your address. 

I didn’t know I could cry like this. 

You begged me. 

When he asked or maybe it was a she, 

it was on the tip of my tongue.

You begged me, 

all I could see was you, 

all I could hear was you, 

all I could feel was you

 and you begged me.

And the room filled with silence

the phone on my shoulder, 

I am thrown through the 

transition from child to adult. 

My heart broke and my soul 

was ripped from my body. 

An eternity passed, 

the drumming in my chest 

created a vortex of black time, 

sucking me in. 

You begged. 

I whispered, broken. 

Your tears turned to anguish. 

You were gone, stolen from me. 

Your begs turned to promises of hatred. 

I’ll never forgive you, 

you screamed as I begged. 

As I begged to know how many. 

How many had you taken. 

I begged tears choking in my chest, 

fires burning in my throat. 

Let me die, you said.  

No, I replied selfishly, 

I can’t, 

my most selfish act to date. 

I’ll never forgive you, you spat back at me. 

And you never did. 

And I never did.
Karen Hayward ©2016

Forgotten Birthday Wishes.

I know you don’t want me in your life no more,

I understand that.

I know you will never forgive that I made that call,

I understand that too.

I know I am a memory you wish to forget.

I understand it all.

I’m a past you want to believe never happened,

a mask you want the world to think never existed.

I understand it all.

But today I cannot help but think of you, when in years

gone past we have shared so much.

So many cakes. So many drinks. So many nights shared.

So many Birthday song requests.

So many laughs.

So many tears.

So I hope in long forgotten words

that your day was good

and all that you deserve.