A mothers voice in chaos.

♥ For Emily-Rose, always I will be your voice.

 

Dear Teacher,

They tell me to empower you to show you the way

to tell you the things that you really should say.

They tell me to stay calm and use positive words

but surely you know the definition of these terms.

Individuals you say you treat them the same

a contradiction of words your excuses are lame.

But you know best, you learned from a book

and just a few years is all it took.

You’ve seen it before you’ll see it again

these kids to you are simply a pain.

They need this, they need that

and fidget constantly where they are sat.

They’re calm, they’re a whirlwind, a tornado of sorts

and no one really knows what’s in those thoughts.

So hard to reach

so hard to teach,

so listen now to a mothers speech.

Listen to me and you’ll hear her voice

anxiety is not her choice.

She doesn’t choose to with hold

or do exactly what she’s told.

She isn’t all smiles and happy and love

why can’t you see she finds school tough?

Open your eye’s and watch how she flies,

can’t you see how much she tries?

she mimics the world but the clues are there

please, just show her that you actually care.

Do as you tell and look as you see

be the person you want her to be.

Don’t tell her you will, you can and it’s done

her fears are real not a bit of fun.

I know she’s a mouse in a black hole of silence

but the anxiety she feels is an internal violence.

Stop looking past, over and through

show her that she can trust you.

Each day I stand back and watch her walk

knowing she’s spending another day unable to talk.

You’ll utter across her avoiding her eyes,

‘why didn’t tell me? Why?’

Your tone has gone up, your body has moved

gone is the voice all tender and smooth.

She did wrong, she did wrong and doesn’t know why

her tears are swelling she just wants to cry.

But you hold that stare, the one filled with fear

waiting for the answer to suddenly appear.

The answer to what? The why’s and the hows

forgotten by the now’s?

Why am I telling you this

you trained for years to become their Miss.

Why every few months are we here once again

whatever I tell you, it ain’t gonna change.

So I take a deep breath and think of glitter

trying to push back the emotional bitter.

I smile and talk and go through the list

hoping to God there’s nothing I’ve missed.

You’ll nod and agree and say you can see

this is reality, the way it will always be.

 

Karen Hayward ©2015

 

Another grain of sand.

It is said that before we are born into this world we choose the parents

we will be born to. We look deep into their hearts and see the stuff that

they are unaware is even there. We’re not looking for love

or protection we’re looking for the lessons that we still need to

learn. Which means I chose you. I chose your

arms to hold me tight and wipe away my tears. I chose your eyes

to sooth away the fears and your wisdom to guide me through the night.

The love you taught me is priceless. The lessons you gave me

are worthless without first considering the sacrifices you made for me.

Today you are one year older and because of this I am one year

wiser. I celebrate not the years that have slowly seeped through

the hour glass, but the memories you have given me, the belief

that has stood untouched since the first time you held me. I celebrate

the honor of calling you my Dad. Happy Birthday xxx.

Oh, beautiful girl of mine.

Oh, my beautiful girl,
You are my entire world.
Your smile,
Warms my once frozen heart.
With you i want to dance and
Laugh.
i breath for you,
I love for you,
I pick myself up from the glass filled floor,
For you.
oh, my beautiful girl,
I will show you so much love,
You never know tough.
I will show you so much care,
You’ll have spare,
To share.
If a child, is a reflection of a parent,
A copy of what they see,
You, will grow up free.

Unconditional love.

This poem, is totally for my Dad, everyday he lets me know i can be more than what i am, and reminds me that the stars can be mine, if i only reach high enough. X

You held my hand,
When i was small,
Taught me,
Too always stand tall.
You gave me love,
When my world was tough.
You stayed up late,
When i was full of hate.
You smoothed edges,
Made continuous pledges,
You saw the best,
Even when i put it the
Test.
You taught me to love,
and not always be tough.
You showed me, how to find my soul,
And steered me far away from the black hole.
From the day, i was born,
From that early morn,
You set me free,
So that i would become, me.

The shopping list.

June sat helplessly in the corner of her living room whilst her daughter Sally cried into a large pile of Junes clothes.  She hadn’t been inside this house for 365 days. She looked around the room with fresh eyes. How she missed it, she thought to herself.

‘You wore these the day before you left.’

Sally said holding up a pair of dark jeans. She didn’t expect a response. But still she said it out loud, hoping something might have changed, somehow. Sally reached into the pockets and retrieved a crumpled piece of paper. A shopping list. Her throat burned as she held back tears. There had been so many tears over the past year.

‘My shopping list. I was going to make lemon squares.’ June whispered into the room.

Sally continued to look at the crumpled list. You never did make the lemon squares, Sally thought. June edged closer to her daughter. She wanted to hold her, to apologise for leaving her. She moved her soft fingers across Sally’s tear soaked cheek. Sally reached up her hand and placed it where her mothers fingers had been.

Sally knew today would be hard. She carefully folded the shopping list and tucked it gently away inside one of her mothers journals. She continued to carefully fold her mothers clothes into bags. Acceptance was the hardest thing. She lay down on the floral sofa and spread out her legs as she had seen her mother do so many times. June crouched on the floor beside her.

‘I can’t stay long Sally. I’m sorry.’ June whispered softly to Sally.

‘I miss you mum.’ said Sally, as if in response.

‘Sally what are you doing.’

Sally turned toward her dad. Tears rolled helplessly down her face.

‘Oh dad, I miss her, I miss her so much.’

June watched as Sally effortlessly hugged her arms tight around her dad.

‘I have to go Sally. I’m sorry.’

June softly kissed the top of Sally’s head and gently squeezed her arm.

June walked out through the front door, tears toppling down her face. They say it gets easier; she thought, that each year you grow stronger. How can it, she thought. She always wondered whilst growing up what hell might feel like, and now she knows. Hell is being dead, whilst the people you love continue to live.

Mummy, what is love?

One day my precious daughter will ask

‘Mum what is love?’ and I will say,

Love is everything and love is nothing.

Love is a trust that reaches beyond our

Realm, far into another universe. Love

is a respect that runs so deep constantly

Changing, growing and evolving. Love

is loyalty when the money is gone and

The nights are cold. Love is energy.

But most of all love is your reflection,

In the eyes of your partner. Love is equal

The scales never tipping, love is complete

Without regrets. Love makes you strong

Not weak. Love is pure not tainted.

another rant….

I saw a post this morning on facebook. It was not a nice post. I know there are millions of them out there, but this one really got my back up. I agree with the arguement that the administrator is trying to demonstrate. But I do not agree with the way she and her friends are going about it. The post got me thinking about the two different approaches to the different situations we come across in society. The facebook page, was set up to act as judge and juror, apparently naming and shaming terrible mums. But what gives any of these girls the right to pass that judgement? What exactly are they teaching there own children by acting in this way? As I have already said, I agree that there are some situations where by action is needed, but I am not sure how naming and shaming them, and basically having a one sided slanging match is really going to help anybody. Are we now creating a generation of children that will grow up believing that they possess the power to judge anybody around them as unfit. Will we end up with a generation of children who no longer know how to offer support, how to be empathic? Are we already there? We are all guilty of making mistakes in life, some mistakes are far bigger than others. The person in question has lost herself in a world of drink and drugs, action in regards to her parenting skills has occured. None of the girls who are judging her, can truely say I know how she feels each morning, I know why she is the way she is…….but they all feel worthy of judging and condeming her. What if one day, they screw up, they turn to drink and drugs, im sure they believe they would never do it, it couldnt happen to them, they are amazing, but what if it did. Im not saying that the person in the post is in the right, far from, im just saying we shouldnt be so judgemental of those around us. You never know if your own life might end up crumbling around your feet.