It’s line dancing Thursday…it is Thursday right? Hmm best go check :-). Whenever they play this song my brain literally switches off, no functioning at all, I just stand there, singing. I look stupid, I’m good with looking stupid, someones gotta look stupid right? I need dancing today, I have an over flow of energy I need to burn, I doubt my body agrees my muscles are screaming in pain as it is, ahh the joys of chronic pain, but I figure I already hurt, what’s a little more pain :-)….I see an afternoon of sleeping ahead :-). Anyhow, this is just a ramble, I need to go play this song on repeat and get it out my system, cos I will learn this dance, I will learn this dance!
Its funny how life can sometimes remind us that were more than what we ourselves believe. I’m sat on the London train waiting for it to depart, I love trains, I’ve been riding the trains since I was 8 and travelling to and through London alone since I was a teenager, I love trains. But today I’m reminded of when my determination and stubbornness truly shone, a couple of years back my husband needed reminding of my worth and value in the home. No scrap that I needed the reminder. So on a whim I saw a job advertised, apprentice cobbler….shoe repairs, key cutting…all that kind of stuff…you know a male orientated job that involved huge machines sharp knifes and basically no fear….I had to Google how to write a CV, up until my daughter I worked in photography, working my way up to senior printer and assis manager and basically getting myself head hunted from Herts back to Essex…I’ve never needed a CV! So CV googled I threw something together, I can’t lie it was relaxed and creative….this was at 11:30pm Sunday night, 9:00am Monday he rang to offer me an interview. I started the following week, I was scared, those machines were big and loud, it was a man’s job, I worked with men, some of them accepted me, some took me under their wing, some despised me for being female. It was the scariest job I have had, I remember certain keys had to be sanded down in the big machine and a flurry of sparks would rain down on my hands. I asked my manager (who was a narcicist and hated my being there) would they hurt me, yes he told me, they burn…..it was a lie. One of the advantages to the job was travel, I was often requested to work in the shop one town over, I liked it their, the banter was good, safe, we would ring other stores and ask them to engrave dildos!! The manager there took my hand and held it in the sparks whilst reassuring me it wouldn’t hurt…it didn’t hurt. This is one of my proudest working moments. Such a tiny thing but too me it was huge. Training was the key to the job and they constantly sent me on training courses keen to get me qualified so I could take over the running of one of the shops. 6am and I would be sitting on the train with mist snaking the carriage and a sun burning on the horizon. 8pm and I was coming home tired but happy. At a time when my confidence was at rock bottom I was throwing myself into the world, I was travelling to different towns different places I was hundreds of miles from home some days, I felt like the old me and I truly loved that job. But the job was never meant to last, it was a reminder to me that i am so very capable, my daughter wasn’t coping and my job as her mum is the best job I ever had, it wasn’t easy to give up the job, I was bringing home £350 a week, earning bonuses, respect and I felt alive, I miss it, but I missed my daughter more and working was breaking my soul. And now when I sit in the verge of doing something that scares me, I remind myself that I git a job in a man’s world based in a CV that took me 20 mins to throw together, I remind myself that I earned myself respect in that male world and I remind myself that I sat on trains to unknown destinations with unknown maps or routes or even timetables…and I survived :-). So as I sit rocking side to side on the train to London, I remind myself I’m so much stronger than I realise.