Between the grained remnants of adolescence.

img_20171111_221855375989982.jpgI soared to new depths within these magnolia

spewed walls of confinement on brown plastic

chairs that burned liberation from the spirit.

We stared continuously through a blank canvas

of educational institution. Wall upon ceiling

Upon brown carpet squares.

And you were the devil.

Cloaked in Grandmas clothes.

Not my grandmother, but someone’s.

You drew air deep into your double breasted

lungs giving life to your outdated fancies of

corporal punishment.

You taught me only to fear those

words written

those thoughts driven

those ideas fit only for oblivion.

Where hung your creativity?

Lost in the sharp edge of a blunt fringe

cut and cut and cut year upon decade

upon the little girl trapped in the

grained memories of a war fought and survived.

Never a soul shone in your class

no spirits soared, no eyes feversihly

Burned beyond the dull ache of melancholy.

We were there,

but nobody knew where…

but nobody knew where.

You looked at me with the same disdain as others,

hollowed my name through pert lips everytime

you caught me smirking instead of working.

Till that day as rain fell and heat rose,

all around a collective sigh and dramatized yawns.

If ever a vortex existed

It was there, that day,

at the back of the class by the window

where the last rays afternoon of sun teased

goodbye like the ticking clock, freedom

draining its last dregs as words suddenly

sprung into life…

It all started here, her yellowing dress,

the cobwebs that consumed, love so great

pain greater still and tragic love

broken promises and tiny graves,

right here, this was the day.

Karen Hayward ©2017

Image and words

 

School echoes on the last of the summers breeze.

zoo 150

My dearest child the days have come

and passed and summers end is upon us.

School lingers, the mornings darken

as I fold away your uniform

let me tell you of my thoughts…

You are the calm between the beats of my

heart, the pride that swells every time I see

your smiling face.

Do not forget this.

Do not ever forget this.

This world can appear topsy turvy,

 your soul is oh so sensitive but know this,

you are the product of me,

inside of you,

inside of me,

is a ferocious lioness,

let her be your strength.

And when the lights shine too bright

and the noise screams

too loud, and when everything

is too hard, remember this,

You are my proudest accomplishment,

my heart skips a beat at every breath you take,

butterflies swarm through me every time

you calm your raging heart

and let that whisper out into the universe.

You are all that you are meant to be.

You are perfect, you see.

Karen Hayward ©2016

 

Structural devastation.

I have to give you back to school today,
but I hope/know deep down you will be okay.
I have to watch you as your smile fades,
As we layer clothes in a sensory haze.
I have to watch as you wring your hands,
Going through and through again the morning plans.
I have to listen as your panic sets in,
Whilst you scream and shout, you can’t find that thing.
Clothes hanging ready to wear,
Carefully selected so you know i care,
Shoes polished and shining bright,
I’ll pop them on, it’s one less fight.
We’ll leave early, drag our feet,
So hard to watch when I can see you’re beat.
A lunchtime note of love and.kisses,
a moments thought so you know i’m missing.
It starts afresh with rules to learn,
as adrenalin makes your body burn,
Heavy arms and heavy legs
It only takes a tiny sec.
I’ll kiss your hand and kiss your cheek,
It’s always hardest,
In that first week!

Karen Hayward ©2016.

The lions whisper.

Dear Teacher,

Today I trust you with my world,

so please, take care of my little girl.

She worked so hard to make it here

to fight back the terrible fear.

It’s hard for you to understand,

if you’ll only listen, I know you can.

Anxiety is no ones friend,

but most of all it’s not pretend.

Too scared to move,

you doubt it’s true,

if only for a moment, I wish you knew.

It’s not a coat or a badge of pride,

it’s a crippling fear, deep down inside.

It wears no face, it has no laugh,

it’s not tattooed there upon a scarf.

So hold her hand, take deep breaths,

she’s using up all that’s left.

That little whisper, is a lions roar,

don’t wait until, she can take no more.

Today I trust you with my world,

so please, take care of my brave, brave girl.

Major Mummy rant :).

Grrr don’t you just hate days that start bad? It’s like a bad omen for the day that weighs heavily on my shoulders.  So I just want to start by saying that I am one of the most laid back people you are ever going to meet. I want to say that I just don’t really give a fuck, but that is a lie, I give a fuck, I just carefully choose the battles I get into. See it may seem like I go through life whispering, but I don’t, when I need to, my voice is loud, louder than most. I can argue that black is white and vice versa, I can argue anything that I truly believe in and I do, because I  am a firm believer that if someone else can’t find their voice, then I will help them, I never have problems finding my voice if I feel an injustice has occurred.

Ok so let’s just dive in. I was stood at the front door, you know that little time portal of space between leaving the house on time and leaving late, when out of the corner of my eye I spotted a mother fucking spider. It was huge, usually spiders do not bother me, but this one had stripes, bloody stripes I tell ya, and I swear it was eyeing me up for size measurements. So being cleaver I kinda jumped away from the door and pulled it closed at the same time…I caught my fucking finger in the letter box. I’ve a  fucking gaping gash, just below the nail, it’s my writing finger too. :(. Ok so I carry on, as you do,  blood pouring down and dripping off the end of my finger. The girl (that’s my adorable gal, she is seven.) is fussing over me, she’s a fuss pot, worries way too much about everything. It’s stinging like a fucking cunt, and I want to suck away the blood but I know it’s gonna sting. So deep breaths, it’s all going well…..and onto the next rant!

So a new guy has moved in round the corner from my house. I’ve noticed him, I couldn’t help noticing him. Why? Because the very first time I saw him, he looked straight at me, from my hair down too my toes, smiled and said “Wow red is your colour!” ummm thanks! Am I like one of the only ones that just simply doesn’t like it when someone does this? Anyway, whenever he see’s me (which is a surprisingly lot) He’s getting braver, and he is very almost at that point where he is gonna stop and try talking too me. I know this because as I walked along the alley dripping blood, he looked me straight in the eye and hesitated, he stopped and smiled! I skipped past him rushing the girl along. Great, seriously I hate being chatted up, I honestly hate being noticed, I do not go out of my way to get myself noticed. Quite the opposite, i’m the gal that keeps my cleavage covered even in the middle of the summer. On the rare occasions when I get it out, if I sense someone looking at my boobies, yep, I slip my jumper back on! I know right, crazy, but seriously they are my boobies, if you ain’t got permission to look, then don’ fucking look! Ha ha in fairness my hormones might be dictating this anger toward a very innocent person, so I shall move along with the rant…

School. Holy fuck where to even start.

I hate the fucking school, or her teacher maybe, i’m not sure, obviously I haven’t shared this with my daughter though!

Ok so the girl, isn’t able to regulate her body temperature, she runs on super hot at all times, when she gets too hot she vomits it’s the bodies way off cooling her down. The school know this, and in reception and year 1 it wasn’t a problem. Oh but this year the teacher decided she didn’t believe me, she decided she knew best, she decided not to trust the girl to be able to assess what layers she needed, she told the girl that the other kids were cold (it was late autumn) and so she must be cold, she told the girl that if the other children were wearing their cardigans then the girl also needed to wear her cardigan, the girl lasted a couple of days before vomiting all down herself, which the teacher at the back of the class missed, and the one that she walked past to get through the class, she missed it too, and the one on the door also missed the child coming out of class with vomit all down the front of her! Yeah, I went mental, completely mental at the school. So anyway, a plan of action was created, rather than keeping the girl off school for 48 hours every time she over heated it was decided that 24 was sufficient as long as the girl was not sick a second time and showed no symptoms of sickness bug.

The girl was sick on Monday, no other signs of sickness bug (turns out she has a severe ear infection in both ears…she doesn’t recognise any pain or changes that occur inside of her body, she can’t say this hurts that hurts, not if it is occurring inside her body, so it is always extremely difficult to know if she is unwell) , so today I took her back in, she is well enough to go back in, christ she doesn’t even know she is sick!

Teacher stops us at the door.

I am ready.

I expect her to kick off again cos the girl is wearing shorts (I got told off for the shorts last week.) I tell her straight off, she’s wearing the shorts till the end of term, if it’s an issue point me toward whoever, but she is wearing the shorts till the end of term, you guys know she has an above average understanding of instructions and concepts, you made the confusion (this is another story, another day perhaps) you sort it, till then she is in shorts.

Teacher simply smiles and tries to explain to me what happened, in honesty I don’t actually want to hear, trust me I am well aware of how easy it is to cause the girl confusion, and I spend every minute of every day breaking down my words making sure I have explained it in a black and white way, for the girl that can’t see any grey.

Anyway, so then she says, she can’t come back yet, it ain’t been 48 hours.

I actually wanted to growl at her, for fuck sake, seriously we’ve been here. Today ain’t just any day either today, is meet the new teacher day, the girl can’t miss today, she needs today, she needs the reassurance, meeting her another day is just unbalancing the scales.

So I tell her, it weren’t the sickness bug. I swear they are obsessed by the sickness bug.

Teacher: Don’t matter gotta be 48 hours.

Me: Really? That’s not what was decided earlier in the year.

Bloody TA jumps in yeah but that time she over heated.

Me: and this time she overheated?

Anyway fucking twenty minutes, stood at the door waiting for them to make their fucking minds up. Teacher was adamant that the girl weren’t going in. I sent them off to talk to the nurse. The good old nurse, see she gets it, she understands cos she is medically trained.

She laughed, and said of course the girl can come in, it’s the girl, of course she was sick she has an ear infection, best place for her I reckon, knowing the girl it’s unlikely she’s in the mood to sit and rest.

 

Dear fucking god, the teachers face was a picture.

Seriously though school get your fucking act together. Am just waiting for the senco to ring back, I doubt they will. But I shall be kicking off again. The bloody TA let slip that the girl had actually been complaining all day monday of a stomach ache…this is the one single ailment that the girl can express, it can mean she needs the toilet, it can mean she is scared, it can mean she has tonsilitis (the nurse told me that 🙂 ) the school know first hand however that it can also mean that she is actually running a temperature, which is why the plan of action states that she is be taken to the nurse if she still has a stomach ache after completing the classroom steps…did they take her to the nurse? Hell no of course not, cos that would take fucking brain cells! So basically they wanted me to keep her home, for a mistake that they made, had they taken her to the nurse on Monday they would have discovered she was running a temp, she then would have taken calpol, maybe even been sent home, she would not have over heated and been sick! Fucking school!

 

Ok i’m desperate for a wee now, so rant over, finger is looking decisively dodgy and still stinging like a fucker.

 

Blossom666 xx