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Shake of the atrocities of a fucked off mind

these are never the thoughts I seek to find.

All eye’s peering and thinking and blinking

and all I wanna do is a little bit of winking.

Please..show me yours and i’ll show you mine

oh I know, I should wait till i’m drunk on wine!

I’m sorry, I forget the way to talk

and cannot find my thoughts.

If expressive language were a form of communication

then fuck me baby, would cause you elation.

Everything’s changed but the one at the start

and oh god do I know that you are so far.

Thoughts and ideas…take my hand

and show me that I can.

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck.

and suck

suck

suck.

Karen Hayward ©2015 Image via wordpress library

Deep inside my mind.

Envelope me in a moments rush, caress my body with the perfect touch. Write desire across my skin with trails of kisses, then erase them with your tongue. Pull my naked body close to yours, beg me for a moment more. Feel me, share my space entirely, fill me. Reach deep inside of me and caress the essence of my soul, deep and hard setting fire to my skin, feeling what this brings as pleasure rises up and through me, wave after wave.  Hold me as I fall apart. Hold me as I pause and let my mind be at one. Hold me whilst I regain my fight. Lay inside my space let our energies intertwine, let’s enjoy this giddy feeling deep inside my mind.

Karen Hayward ©2016.

Breathe and repeat.

 

I’ve counted to ten a thousand times since

waking to the gloom of another day filled

with yesterdays problems. The air is sucked

from my lungs, the deep niggling desire is

rising. Frustration sits in my throat, heart

beating, beating, beating. My muscles have

transformed into rock and I wonder if I

smash them open will I find crystals

gleaming back at me or just stone and more stone.

Fuck and fuck again i’ll continue to mumble this

beneath my breath as the suns rays burn into me as

I stare blankly into a solid blue sky whilst the world

continues to crumble around me. Dead rose petals

blackening at the edges reflect the mood inside my

heart. The fragrance lost, the depth highlighted,

life draining from them. Transparent the veins

an array of purple lines scribbled across the petal.

Defeat weighing heavy on my shoulders and I

despise that I have shoulders capable of carrying

these burdens. I despise what you have made me,

despise what I have become. Despise the multitude

of faces you force me to wear as you sit back watching.

Watching as I hold together the strings.

My fingers are bleeding, they’re ripping through

the palms of my hands, frustration clawing at my

throat.

Ten,

Nine,

Eight,

Seven,

Six,

Five,

Four,

Three

Two,

One….. breathe and repeat!!

 

Blood if sin.

I’m missing words and thoughts are pounding as my head is screaming lingering soaked in the blood of sin and constantly streaming.Strip away my outer layer let the coldness burn my naked form appease the devils sky as thunderous clouds create a storm. Bang away all feelings from the nerves within my skin
tease out all the bullshit that filters within. Leave no part untouched, no part unseen place me on a pedestal
and watch me tremble beneath the spotlight as I stumble and fall.

Karen Hayward ©2016

 

Dear universe, really? freeweite of random thoughts.

So it’s been an odd couple of days, you know, so yesterday i got half way through the day looked up and thought really universe, really! So firstly a friend did a vanishing act, poooof, entire profile gone, including the youtube songs that i love! Anyway, instinct said, nout to worry about, so left them to find their way back. Because sometimes, that is exactly what needs to happen. Popped onto facebook to answer some rather random questions from the mum, looked down at my messages and thought, wow, got myself another facebook user….it still surprises me how often people block me on facebook, it’s a little like they don’t like what I have to say, now admittedly in the past it has tended to be fellow students, (yesterdays block was not a student, but rather someone that is proving nothing by blocking…or perhaps proving everything.) Anyway, you know what bugs me? serial blockers, and the ‘bye’ i’m leaving facebook peeps, really? Ok then go, don’t make a show!..Anyhoot, what to do,what to do, what to do, you see, this isn’t the first time, i got blocked whenever i refuse to walk on the egg shells he has kindly put out for me, and within a few days he is usually back, pretending it didn’t happen…but i’m thinking, enough, i may just block them back this time, life just aint a game, i proper hate game players!…Anyway the day actually got worse (or better, mum, if you ever read this i mean better), turns out the odd random questions were for a reason, my mother is thinking of visiting at the weekend…gonna be plenty of you thinking, well that’s a good thing, and it is, but i see her once a year, May, May a month and a half ago, its not been a year, so why the visit, at first i thought oh yeah the new dog, she wants it to play in the sea, then i thought, well hold on, i aint great at geography, but you live a hundred miles away, i am pretty sure you have beaches closer too you….grrrr, so why the fuss? Why does this idea of a visit from mummy bother me? Well….perhaps another day, i gotta clean this place from top to bottom, change my entire appearance, prepare a five year plan and fill the freezer with a months worth of wholesome home cooked dinners….and even then it won’t be good enough. Still, it has me in a tissle, she’s my mum, and she wants to see me, and of course this makes me happy……seriously, dear universe of ours, why do some people hold the power to get us in a tissle? Answers on a post card, peeps!!?
xxxx
Anyway i gotta go eat some space invaders…and choccie buttons …mixed together and make the most of being home alone :-).