A shadowed reflection of the erased.

I feel the dull scratch of the pencil as the letters fall onto the page without thought; bird song, cars whizzing by, an ambulance in the distance, the boy in his red chequered shorts, the feel of the breeze, grey clouds that hint at rain, your lips that constantly begged to be kissed, tyres squelching, taz, that time on the motorway when the car window fell out and darkness seeped in, that stroke, the ache, indifference, the sun that seeps through the leaves as I sit at the kitchen window, leaves, memories, walking in autumn fantasies, truths shared, a full moon a rising sun. When I am done I glance back over it, momentarily enjoying my thoughts of you. I turn my pencil up the other way and I erase you from the page. No matter how hard I erase, a shadow of you always remains.

Sisterhood of the world bloggers.

Wow Firyal18 what an amazing honor, I cannot thank you enough that you have nominated me for this award. Thank you, you’re amazing :).

Okay guys, ladies chaps and all you pretty things, you know how this works, there are rules, there are always rules. Firstly go drop by the wonderful Firyal18 blog, just go ahead and click upon her name and you will be transported over to some amazing poetry, thoughts and truly fantastic words.

Ok then let’s get these rules out the way so I can have some fun with the super fantastic questions.

Firstly the award logo must be displayed openly on the recipient’s blog site! Check…go look up top and there it is, the amazing Sisterhood of the world bloggers award.
Next, thank the amazing person that nominated you and put up for mention via a link that easily takes one back to their own sites! Hey guys technology ain’t my thing but fingers crossed you click on her name and boom you’re over with her sipping tea and eating biccies.

Firyal18 gets to ask me ten questions and I gotta answer them all :).

And lastly this torch needs to keep on moving, so pass along to ten more amazing bloggers along with ten more amazing questions.

Firyal18 asked me the following questions, thank you :).
1. What is your greatest fear?

My greatest fear, dear God I actually have a lot of fears but the majority of them I am in control of. I fear spiders, but someones gotta be the spider catcher in our house and that’s me, so I suck it up close my eyes and shoo the little buggars out the window! I’m also scared of the dark and fear waking up in the night to a power cut! I fear the devil which is odd as I write about him so often but in reality the concept of the devil and evil causes me huge amounts of fear. I ‘m gonna go ahead and say that my biggest fear, the fear I have never been able to get a handle on is…roller coasters that go upside down. Or any ride that goes upside down. That feeling of being upside down causes a primal raw reaction in me I panic extremely panic, just thinking about it makes me want to hide in a corner!
2. What inspires you?

I am inspired by emotions. Pleasure, pain, excitement, loss, hurt, love, lust. Emotions let of an energy that most people are unaware of and for me, seeing that energy is easy. The deeper I feel an emotion the more inspired I am to write about it. The emotions are not always my own, sometimes it’s something I’ve seen or something someone has said to me.I am also greatly inspired by nature and find it an amazing medium to work with, through nature I can express thoughts in a more private and sensitive way, through the storms that crash down onto us to the moons shy and crying light that falls for her dying stars. Nature gives me an outlet for the emotions.
3. What are your pet peeves?

Rude people!! Oh my goodness I hate rude people! Why are people rude? I’ve never really understood how people can be so cut of from the world that they believe they are the only ones that exist.

Traffic lights, seriously people just wait for the bloody green man before you cross, is it really that bloody hard!

Bullshit…that’s a pet peeve, when people go on about honesty and with hold a load of stuff, cos you know with holding isn’t lying an all and for me with holding is the one that’s gonna break my trust.Cos when you with hold information it invalidates every single word you have ever said.
4. What are the three things that can’t be missing in your bag?

A bag. I don’t carry a bag they’re just things that get on my nerves they’re extra things I have to carry and remember and they move and you have to keep putting it back on your shoulder and my goodness it’s a lot of hard work! If it don’t fit in my pocket it ain’t coming with me!

However the thing I won’t leave home without is actually my keys, it’s a security thing, even if i’m out with hubby and he has keys, I still always take my keys with me!
5. What are you excited about right now?

Nothing :(.
6. Why do you blog?

It was start blogging or get myself committed into an asylum! I originally set up my blog under the recommendations of my creative writing tutor. I continue with my blog because writing gives my soul a little teeny tiny piece of freedom.
7. Do you like being female? Why?

Tough question…no. As crazy as it sounds I don’t like being female. I don’t like that every month I get a period a constant reminder that I am female. I don’t like that every single fucking man thinks my tits are there for him to look at…nope, fuck off, eyes up. I hate the fact that as a female writer of erotic poetry my inbox goes into over drive every time I write about sex…seriously boys grow up, cos I write it don’t mean I want it! And do men have this problem? If a man write a little sexy poem does his inbox suddenly go into over drive…no didn’t think so! I don’t like that as a female there are expectations of my behaviour… I must like shopping cos I got tits and pussy…nope. I must be soppy and soft hearted and floral skirts high heeled shoes…cos I got tit and a pussy, again nope. Here, here, here have all this pink stuff cos your a girl and you must love pink….no, go away, fuck you!
8. The word that best describe you will be……

Forgiving…until the point where I find you playing me, then I am the most unforgiving person you will find.
9. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

I do crazy daily! Most crazy…skinny dipping 🙂 ha ha

Waking up one morning and deciding it was time for me to finish my education…signed up to start my degree couple of hours later!

So hard to find crazy when so much of what I do is crazy!
20. What does fulfilment mean to you?

Oh I don’t actually know. Fulfillment suggests that our needs have been fully met and we are completely at peace, but our needs change daily so I’m not sure that we can ever truly know what fulfillment is or how we could reach it.

I’m not going crazy am I, this does say question 20!?

Okay so i’ve done the hard bit 🙂 Tommorrow I will go about tagging ten lovely bloggers to carry on this marvelous award. Again Firyal18 thank you so, so, so much :).

30 days writing challenge. 3 Pet peeves.

Three pet peeves. I’m writing this today rather than tomorrow because we have quite the storm raging through at the moment, which means I wont sleep well tonight because storms scare the hell out of me and I will spend the entire night imagining the tree in the garden coming smashing through my bedroom window 🙂 and also tomorrows a busy day, so in case the wind takes out the internet I will post it now and forever be a step ahead on my 30 days writing challenges 🙂

Three pet peeves. Wow the first one really should be the fact that you’re only letting me choose three! Okay so this question needed a lot of thought. I am a really patient person and I will forgive people in the bat of an eye lid and yet I actually have a whole long list of pet peeves. However, my top pet peeve has to be rudeness. If I side step on the path to let you past, I didn’t do it because you are more worthy of that space than me, I did it to be polite so you know what?look up and bloody well say thank you it doesn’t hurt, there wont be any sparks or fireworks just because you acknowledged that there are others in the world besides yourself. This kind of rudeness annoys me at the best of times and the only people who I expect nothing from are the elderly, those that have a blank stare and the flustered mum that is attempting to keep control and can just about manage a weak smile that screams please help me! But seriously if you wander past me with your nose stuck in the air and you got your kids at your side then you need to be ashamed, but more than that, you need to know that in ten years time when you are screaming at the top of your lungs that your kid has no respect for you or anyone else, then you need to know that you created that. If you go around believeing that you are more worthy of that space than others, you teach your children that this behaviour is both normal and expected, so when they come of age they behave the way they saw you behave. Good luck with that and until that day comes yep, you did hear right when you went waltzing past me.

Second pet peeve. Please, I beg you, do not ignore me. If you want to see a calm delicate flower go bat shit crazy on your arse and start throwing plates then by all means ignore me. But I promise when I blow, I truly blow and I will bring your whole entire world crumbling around your feet. All I ask is that you have enough respect for me that you verbally answer me, that’s all.

Ok so trying to dwindle down what my third pet peeve is going to be and I am going to go with, people who judge other people. You see a little pattern here? I’m not a huge fan of rude people. Okay, judging. What on earth makes a person think that they can judge someone based on how they look, so fucking what about how they look, how somene looks does not make them a good or bad person, their fucking personality does that! Okay i’ll let you into a secret I have two sides to my personality, I have a ditzy i’m gonna ask all the stupid questions cos yo knowsomeone has to and it may as well be me, and then I have the side that is educated and can and will debate my arse of and most probably beat you…only those closest to me know that I have a good level of education only those closest hear me using that education and I do this for a few reasons firstly its good fun being ditzy it allows me to relax and be a more free spirit, but also, those people who judge me according to my knowledge or educational level have usually made up their minds that i’m dumb within the first few minutes…thank fuck for that! Cos I don’t need no obnoxious, patronising know it fuckheads wasting the precious air I breath :)…okay that’s probably a little judgy on my part, but hey I never said I was perfect :).

Fucking hell i’m not a fairy tale slave!

I checked, and I checked again. I can’t speak to the birds

I ain’t got a super evil step mother, and ain’t no

sparkly fairy godmother waiting at my door asking

me about pumpkins mice and fucking twelve strikes of the clock.

So guess what? Stop. Just fucking stop.

I checked. I checked again. I don’t have hair of ebony

or blood red lips. I don’t like apples and I ain’t a fan of

ribbons and I ain’t stupid enough to shack up with

seven fucking men no matter what size they are!

So guess what? Stop, fucking hell stop!

I don’t have hair that touches the floor.

I’m not a fairy tale girl that is begging for more.

I’m not a slave to this life and your fucking chores.

Fuck me open your eyes and see the fucking score!

So guess what? Yep..fucking hell stop giving me more!!

A head full words but no place for them to go.

Stop, just fucking, stop. I’ve woken up this morning my entire head filled with words. Just there swimming around, constantly, screaming at me with excitement ‘Write me write me!’ So many choices, what should I write? The succubus that explores the dark night? or the devil that intoxicates its prey? so many things I want to say! The danger of life and the passion it gives, to the people that promise that this life they will live. And karma is knocking, it’s calling my name and screaming it’s time to treat people the same, but i’m reminded as always that life isn’t a game. And my feathers are falling and new ones do grow, they’re growing back black, now wouldn’t you know. So shall I write of the fight, when the devil dances with God, hand in hand they create a simple element of fate. The suns pouring down and sky is so blue, and my thoughts wander to what is to be you, I missed you at times, but I knew you were there, friends, they do always care. Then i’m back there again with your words in my head, could it be that I could take him to bed? And I wonder what it is that intoxicates the soul, and whether it’s right to make it my goal. Still the words come and my heads feeling numb, the fever is here and tiredness is near. I’ve so much to do, choices to choose and I wonder can I break those cardinal rules. There is something that is, something that should, and still i’m wondering whether I could. No miles between, the risk to be seen, but oh I do wonder what you’d be like between. The words are still swimming, they’re calling my name, telling me now that I am one and the same. I put them page in an sensual rage, they fall from my fingers and yet still some of them linger. There’s no structure to this, like a move-able kiss because really it’s just an abandonment list. As man flu ravages my mind leaving me feeling so very blind, the words are all there, but I don’t fucking care! I just want to sleep so fucking deep, so I spill out my thoughts my passion and shit cos these fucking things in my head they just do not fit! My head is sore sore and my throats out to kill, and yes I have taking a small fucking pill still it burns on heating me up, fuck off cold i’ve had enough!! But still I see my inner voice has come back, for a moment there I thought I had given it the sack! These are my thoughts all in a flow, they rhyme oh I know! Cos I think in a beat that is a beautiful treat, in a constant hum of lullaby rum, dear fucking god I feel numb!!! So there you go page, you have my passion and rage, so please now thoughts, concepts and all, hush my dear baby please let me fall. I don’t ask it much, and in me you can trust, let me fall to the floor let me crumble apart, after some sleep then again we can start!

Screams of the savaged soul.

I really shouldn’t wonder,

and I really shouldn’t care,

your voice comes to me like thunder,

and I know that you are there.

I try to keep you locked away,

to keep you out of sight

but, my dear, you will not stay,

you beg me for the light.

I whisper, as the night does come,

and beg of you to hear,

the moon, i say, is now your sun,

come here, and hold me near.

But alas you cannot stay

in this dark and empty life

as you cut all that’s in your way

with your double bladed knife.

The silence is too loud,

the shadows are too dark,

stand tall and make us proud,

it’s time to play your part..

And I do not know their faces,

or the words that they do shout,

I’ve seen them several places

but, what are they about?

They offer me salvation

from the darkness in the night,

an end to the devastation,

and the promise of the light.

Karen Hayward (Copyright) 2015.

Help the tv has control!

Sit back enjoy a cup a tea,
feet up, watch the tv.
Let my muscles go to waste;
as the media dictates my tastes, and
Some lady screams
from my oversized screen,
that this is life,
this is what it means.
She tells me the date, the time,
that the world is over run by
Poverty and crime.
Don’t read those words,
come watch the show,
It tells you everything,
That you need to know.
Here let me help, take my hand,
As I introduce you to la la land.
It all feels so soft, comfy and so,
As the tv tells me what i need to know.
I think I am lost, or maybe found,
I can’t hear over this drismal sound.

Tingling lunar rays of light.

I see you; as your shining light illuminates my sky

of subtle blue, as your mottled skin reflects the

light of a thousand rays, as we say goodbye to day.

I see you; as you climb the skies to dance alongside

the dying stars of yesteryear. As you thrive

to be seen amongst the endless darkness

of unknown space.

I see you, I feel the ebbing tune you sing,

the mighty change your full face brings,

I hear the distant howls of the lost, as

their souls turn a lighter shade of wild.

And my spirit soars, excitement skipping

through my veins as your light skims across

my bare breast, innocence lost as the

beast inside scrambles for release.

And I know, for a fleeting moment, all can

be mine as your light traces the sins

across my skin. Tingling with

anticipation the death filled sky

is my saviour, my reward, my Goddess.

Butterflies skipping on sun beams.

I’ve missed you

as the breeze changes

a new rampant chill

fills the air.

I find myself longing

for the carefree

days when me

and you danced

through the spikes of life.

The pink carnation of deprivation.

Violation in relation to this nation

The creation of this non stop station.

The plantation of the pink carnation,

The foundation of flirtation.

As starvation explores mutation

and the rich stand for a standing ovation.

Poverty, the confirmation of life’s cancellation,

Deprivation, the constipation of education

An infestation of menstruation

flooding the streets of transformation.

The acceleration of anticipation,

forget the woes of discrimination

in one quick swipe of ejaculation.

The demoralization of this nation

through telecommunication,

as we become lost in the creation

of the

institutionalisation,

of a long forgotten nation.