Hands grasping the tepid oceans of reality

Curiosity of the lost lines of integrity,
the banshee screams, oh the screams,
as the left hand eagerly paws and
the right snaps shut at the deplority.

KH (c) 2017
Image and words.

Figuratively.

A parallel universe

of this diverse perversity

where there’s a deep purple haze

of insane reality.

A universe where broken

is the expected speciality,

so follow me, baby

we’ll lose all rationality.

write about five blessings in your life. 30 day writing challenges.

Write about five blessings in my life 🙂

Oh my number one blessing is my daughter. She’s a child with needs and I could sit here and whack a label on her and most people would sit back and think oh yeah, I get that, i’ve read about that she must be like this or that…but I wont, because she isn’t. Instead let me tell you why from the second she was created inside of me she has been my blessing. Firstly it took over two years to conceive her, she was very much a wanted child and I discovered I was pregnant a couple of weeks after celebrating our one year wedding anniversary. You know within the first day whether you have given birth to a sleeper or an awaker, I had myself a sleeper, 23 hours a day for the first week, each week she slept less and i got to enjoy her even more. As she grew, I grew along side her, because for the first time someone needed me to be more than I believed I could I be. I did it for her not because she needed me to be the best mum I could be, I did it because I needed to be the best mum I could. She grew and grew and grew some more and on the one side the older she became the more obvious it was that she had extra needs (she barely spoke for the first five years…now you cannot shut her up!) People often ask me if I am aware of how different she is, no, not really, everything I do for her is a natural response to her. Sometimes though when it’s been a long day and she’s called me into her bedroom for the hundredth time because she needs a blankie that is right there next to her, I do think dear God, somebody please help me! But otherwise no. But the truth is she is eight, and still needs the same level of support and guidance you might give a five year old. She has to be prompted every step, every instruction has to be broken down, and I am constantly on guard for the type of language used around her (she takes hings literally!) just the other day we had a funny moment,

Me “You only ate a couple of mouth fulls, I need you to eat more.”

Her “You little liar!”…she then bursts into tears!

The reason for the tears was that she thought I had been calling her a liar, she thought (and rightfully, as it was a bad choice of words) that I had said she had only eaten two (a couple) mouth fulls of dinner!

She has something called Gravitational Insecurities (yeah I know I said no labels!) it basically means she has a fear of movement, if it moves it causes her extreme anxiety. Just take a moment to look around you and think about how much movement occurs naturally and constantly around you, just stop and think about the very beating of your heart, the constant drumming the constant movement. Everything causes her anxiety. And yet every single day she comes pounding along the hallway with the biggest smile on her face as she bravely faces each new day. Yes the world might scare her, but no she isn’t ready to admit defeat. She is braver than any adult I know.

She is amazingly innocent. She has a heart that is capable of so very much and constantly she is able to see good and happiness around her. She smiles even when inside she is breaking, she sings when her entire body is screaming in fear, she tries even when the mind is pleading with her that she can’t. She has shown me more beautiful things in this world than any body else. She is my blessing.

My family, yeah I know, I know we all say it our family is a blessing. But the reality is a I had a childhood that could have been very different to the one I had. The choices made when I was a toddler ensured that it wasn’t as bad as it could have been. I often think myself lucky now as an adult when I see people around me declaring they hate their mum or dad or sibling. You see yes we argue, but we are always there for each other. Yes we disagree but we always have each others back and yes sometimes words get slung around but we never stoop so low to actually be spiteful and hurt one another. It seems to be a rarity these days. I am blessed to have my family.
I am blessed that somewhere along the female genetic maternal line there is this huge streak of female creativity. A streak that comes more natural than anything I have ever felt, and although growing up outside of the maternal home I didn’t get to experience it growing up I have now discovered it and I am blessed because of it.
I am blessed to live in a society where my opinions don’t get me arrested. I sometimes wonder I would survive living in a society that dictated her I should be, this thought scares me.
I am blessed that along the paths I chose to take when growing up I clearly had an angel or two watching over me. Without them I do not know where I would have ended up. Thank you.

Write about something for which you feel strongly. 30 day writing challenge.

Okay, something I feel strongly about. Wow this could take a while. I’ve already mentioned along the way a few things that are for me important issues, like, rudeness, it ain’t needed suck it up and say please, thank you or hell just give a knowing glance. I have also mentioned the anger that rises in me when I discover shops displaying flavoured chocolate next to milk chocolate, seriously you are posoining my senses! I love life, I love every aspect of it and there are o many things that I could talk about, things that will create fire inside of me and passion to spill out from my mouth, so for this reason I will give you a mini list.

Socks. Life is too short to wear matching socks and for this reason alone it should become acceptable practice to wear odd socks…with shorts or skirts or even dresses :).
Girl shaming, slut shaming and all the other stupid things I hear in regards to women that actually have an idea in regards to their sexuality is pathetic and needs to stop.
Siestas and naps need to become the norm here in the UK, no really they do, that way I wouldn’t feel so bad when I fall alseep on the couch two mins after I get in from the morning school run, no Jeremy Kyle for me!
The government should provide everyone with a cleaner, a cook and a gardener. Free of charge.
Sanitary goods, tampax, towels all of that, should not be taxed. It is not a luxury to get your period (although in fairness same may consider it to be one) I don’t buy these products out of luxury, I buy them because it is socially unacceptable to go shopping with a huge red patch in my jeans 🙂 Get a grip on it.

Okay i’m going to cut my list short now and switch over to the serious stuff, now guys i’m sorry this is the bit where I show an entirely different side to myself. There are a handful of things I do feel strongly about, serious things, not that odd socks isn’t a serious matter though.

Judging others. Firstly let’s define what I mean by judging. As humans it is a part of our nature to find our place within the society that we live. To do this we observe and compare. This is normal. It’s normal even to say to yourself that you are a better person then them, or that your dress is prettier, or your car better, this although not a pretty personality trait I consider normal. What I consider to be not normal, in fact this is something that makes my blood boil everytime and it will cause me to speak up, is when a person stands and judges someone on their misfortune. They stand and stare and comment and judge and simply watch. They don’t say,’hey I can see you need help.’ instead they throw the knives. They don’t say, ‘let me help you.’ they just whisper nastiness as the person struggles on. Standing their fiddling your thumbs as a person is struggling does not in any way make you a better person.
Education, I feel strongly believe that every child deserves the right to an education, I also however strongly believe that the education provided should be taylored to individual children. I think schools and the education board need to open their eye’s and see the reality. A child that is living in poverty does not need to be punished for not doing their reading homework, that child, that family need help, punishing the child is damaging, helping the family is enlightening.
Confidence, belief and faith in my opinion are lessons that need teaching in schools, every day of every year. So no more children leave education without a belief in themselves, their body, their self worth or capability.

Writing this short, at least in my opinion short piece has shown me once again that I am a chatterbox and I can talk about anything! I could keep going and going some more, but I have porridge that needs eating :).

Words of wisdom that speak to me. 30 day writing challenge.

Okay so i’m pretty sure that the words of wisdom that I live my life by are actually a combination of great things said by great people which I have then processed and converted to fit into my own ideologies. However here they are :).

Never, ever go to bed or walk away angry. This is such an important thing to me and unfortunately something my hubby doesn’t agree on, which often leaves me feeling devastated! So, why? Why do I believe that anger should always be resolved straight away. Apart from the obvious that you don’t know what will happen at any given moment in time, my love for a person, whether that is a friend or a lover or a family member, is and always will be stronger than any anger I can feel.
That whole flower quote, if you love it leave it to grow malarky, hell yeah.
Wet clothes take them off…yep, totally if you get caught in the rain then you need to take the wet clothes off, otherwise that coldness will seep right through to your bones. Best wait till you get home though, cos otherwise you might get some filthy looks stripping in the rain!
Do the hard stuff first. Whether this is eating the yucky bit of a dinner first or tackling the hard chores first. It makes a difference. Once as the hard bit is out of the way I can sit back and truly enjoy what is in front of me.
If you can, then do. If I can help someone then I will. If I can stop and let that person in the morning have a chat with me, then I will. If I can reach the top shelf and you can’t then I will. If I can be a shoulder whilst you cry, I will. If I have what you need, and I don’t need it, then I will. There aren’t a great deal of things in life that I can do to help others. But everything I can do, I do. I do it because I want to. I do it because I know how it feels to not be seen, so if I can see a person then I will.
Always think a few steps ahead.
Fuck it. Sometimes you gotta sit back say fuck it and just enjoy the show. Things happen for a reason and there ain’t always something you can do about that.So relax. You’ll soon discover the reason.
Never get shampoo in your eyes…that shit hurts, if you do then a wet cold flannel will help. Milk also helps.
If there’s a puddle walk through it. If there’s a rainbow stop and look at it.
Always stop what you are doing to give a child your full attention. Your actions teach a child how to become an adult. Don’t ever forget that.
If there’s lego, build.
Paints, paint. No one cares what the end result looks like. Paint for your soul not for the eyes of others.
Stop letting the opinions of others take up residency in your head. They are often as lost as you and they have their own battle to fight. Ignore them, smile and move on.
If it makes your heart sing and your soul skip a beat, do it, do it daily, do it hourly.

Ok that’s my list. I’m sure i have more, in fact I think my entire existance is based on words of wisdom. 🙂

Karen Hayward (2015) ©

Scorpion’s cusp Sagittarian’s rise.

Neither the centaur nor Scorpius.

The mythological bridge with a tail

that stings.

Both wanderers searching for truth.

Feed her sting with secrets so dark

and you’ll fuel the archers love for life.

The Scorpian will regenerate to keep

control over her destiny whilst the Centuer

fights the hemmed in corner to regain

freedom. Either way she rises.

The King of Gods oversee’s her whilst

the King of War whispers in her ear and

the King of the Underworld takes her hand

and leads her into temptation. The Scorpius,

unafraid will walk away unscathed as the

Centaur chalk’s it up to exploration.

Let her breathe if you have been unfortunate

enough to cross her, or bow down and take

the angry words, for they will come as she

searches the deep waters of her captive emotions.

But beware the Centaur does not rise and lead

the way, the fire moves so quickly and those bows

can move so far.

She’ll flirt with you till passion bubbles motivated

by her desire to play. Remaining devoted

whilst the Centaur is mindful of her tongue.

Together they explore your mind. Between them

every dark corner of it.

Together they rarely leave without their chosen desire.

Scorpius will use her passion to manipulate your eyes

whilst the Archer sets up bow and the Centaur

captivates your mind.

Escape is futile, unless she changes her mind

which she is known to do.

Image shared via internet, could not find original owner or copyright…please correct me if you can!

Sisterhood of the world bloggers.

Wow Firyal18 what an amazing honor, I cannot thank you enough that you have nominated me for this award. Thank you, you’re amazing :).

Okay guys, ladies chaps and all you pretty things, you know how this works, there are rules, there are always rules. Firstly go drop by the wonderful Firyal18 blog, just go ahead and click upon her name and you will be transported over to some amazing poetry, thoughts and truly fantastic words.

Ok then let’s get these rules out the way so I can have some fun with the super fantastic questions.

Firstly the award logo must be displayed openly on the recipient’s blog site! Check…go look up top and there it is, the amazing Sisterhood of the world bloggers award.
Next, thank the amazing person that nominated you and put up for mention via a link that easily takes one back to their own sites! Hey guys technology ain’t my thing but fingers crossed you click on her name and boom you’re over with her sipping tea and eating biccies.

Firyal18 gets to ask me ten questions and I gotta answer them all :).

And lastly this torch needs to keep on moving, so pass along to ten more amazing bloggers along with ten more amazing questions.

Firyal18 asked me the following questions, thank you :).
1. What is your greatest fear?

My greatest fear, dear God I actually have a lot of fears but the majority of them I am in control of. I fear spiders, but someones gotta be the spider catcher in our house and that’s me, so I suck it up close my eyes and shoo the little buggars out the window! I’m also scared of the dark and fear waking up in the night to a power cut! I fear the devil which is odd as I write about him so often but in reality the concept of the devil and evil causes me huge amounts of fear. I ‘m gonna go ahead and say that my biggest fear, the fear I have never been able to get a handle on is…roller coasters that go upside down. Or any ride that goes upside down. That feeling of being upside down causes a primal raw reaction in me I panic extremely panic, just thinking about it makes me want to hide in a corner!
2. What inspires you?

I am inspired by emotions. Pleasure, pain, excitement, loss, hurt, love, lust. Emotions let of an energy that most people are unaware of and for me, seeing that energy is easy. The deeper I feel an emotion the more inspired I am to write about it. The emotions are not always my own, sometimes it’s something I’ve seen or something someone has said to me.I am also greatly inspired by nature and find it an amazing medium to work with, through nature I can express thoughts in a more private and sensitive way, through the storms that crash down onto us to the moons shy and crying light that falls for her dying stars. Nature gives me an outlet for the emotions.
3. What are your pet peeves?

Rude people!! Oh my goodness I hate rude people! Why are people rude? I’ve never really understood how people can be so cut of from the world that they believe they are the only ones that exist.

Traffic lights, seriously people just wait for the bloody green man before you cross, is it really that bloody hard!

Bullshit…that’s a pet peeve, when people go on about honesty and with hold a load of stuff, cos you know with holding isn’t lying an all and for me with holding is the one that’s gonna break my trust.Cos when you with hold information it invalidates every single word you have ever said.
4. What are the three things that can’t be missing in your bag?

A bag. I don’t carry a bag they’re just things that get on my nerves they’re extra things I have to carry and remember and they move and you have to keep putting it back on your shoulder and my goodness it’s a lot of hard work! If it don’t fit in my pocket it ain’t coming with me!

However the thing I won’t leave home without is actually my keys, it’s a security thing, even if i’m out with hubby and he has keys, I still always take my keys with me!
5. What are you excited about right now?

Nothing :(.
6. Why do you blog?

It was start blogging or get myself committed into an asylum! I originally set up my blog under the recommendations of my creative writing tutor. I continue with my blog because writing gives my soul a little teeny tiny piece of freedom.
7. Do you like being female? Why?

Tough question…no. As crazy as it sounds I don’t like being female. I don’t like that every month I get a period a constant reminder that I am female. I don’t like that every single fucking man thinks my tits are there for him to look at…nope, fuck off, eyes up. I hate the fact that as a female writer of erotic poetry my inbox goes into over drive every time I write about sex…seriously boys grow up, cos I write it don’t mean I want it! And do men have this problem? If a man write a little sexy poem does his inbox suddenly go into over drive…no didn’t think so! I don’t like that as a female there are expectations of my behaviour… I must like shopping cos I got tits and pussy…nope. I must be soppy and soft hearted and floral skirts high heeled shoes…cos I got tit and a pussy, again nope. Here, here, here have all this pink stuff cos your a girl and you must love pink….no, go away, fuck you!
8. The word that best describe you will be……

Forgiving…until the point where I find you playing me, then I am the most unforgiving person you will find.
9. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

I do crazy daily! Most crazy…skinny dipping 🙂 ha ha

Waking up one morning and deciding it was time for me to finish my education…signed up to start my degree couple of hours later!

So hard to find crazy when so much of what I do is crazy!
20. What does fulfilment mean to you?

Oh I don’t actually know. Fulfillment suggests that our needs have been fully met and we are completely at peace, but our needs change daily so I’m not sure that we can ever truly know what fulfillment is or how we could reach it.

I’m not going crazy am I, this does say question 20!?

Okay so i’ve done the hard bit 🙂 Tommorrow I will go about tagging ten lovely bloggers to carry on this marvelous award. Again Firyal18 thank you so, so, so much :).

30 days writing challenge. 3 Pet peeves.

Three pet peeves. I’m writing this today rather than tomorrow because we have quite the storm raging through at the moment, which means I wont sleep well tonight because storms scare the hell out of me and I will spend the entire night imagining the tree in the garden coming smashing through my bedroom window 🙂 and also tomorrows a busy day, so in case the wind takes out the internet I will post it now and forever be a step ahead on my 30 days writing challenges 🙂

Three pet peeves. Wow the first one really should be the fact that you’re only letting me choose three! Okay so this question needed a lot of thought. I am a really patient person and I will forgive people in the bat of an eye lid and yet I actually have a whole long list of pet peeves. However, my top pet peeve has to be rudeness. If I side step on the path to let you past, I didn’t do it because you are more worthy of that space than me, I did it to be polite so you know what?look up and bloody well say thank you it doesn’t hurt, there wont be any sparks or fireworks just because you acknowledged that there are others in the world besides yourself. This kind of rudeness annoys me at the best of times and the only people who I expect nothing from are the elderly, those that have a blank stare and the flustered mum that is attempting to keep control and can just about manage a weak smile that screams please help me! But seriously if you wander past me with your nose stuck in the air and you got your kids at your side then you need to be ashamed, but more than that, you need to know that in ten years time when you are screaming at the top of your lungs that your kid has no respect for you or anyone else, then you need to know that you created that. If you go around believeing that you are more worthy of that space than others, you teach your children that this behaviour is both normal and expected, so when they come of age they behave the way they saw you behave. Good luck with that and until that day comes yep, you did hear right when you went waltzing past me.

Second pet peeve. Please, I beg you, do not ignore me. If you want to see a calm delicate flower go bat shit crazy on your arse and start throwing plates then by all means ignore me. But I promise when I blow, I truly blow and I will bring your whole entire world crumbling around your feet. All I ask is that you have enough respect for me that you verbally answer me, that’s all.

Ok so trying to dwindle down what my third pet peeve is going to be and I am going to go with, people who judge other people. You see a little pattern here? I’m not a huge fan of rude people. Okay, judging. What on earth makes a person think that they can judge someone based on how they look, so fucking what about how they look, how somene looks does not make them a good or bad person, their fucking personality does that! Okay i’ll let you into a secret I have two sides to my personality, I have a ditzy i’m gonna ask all the stupid questions cos yo knowsomeone has to and it may as well be me, and then I have the side that is educated and can and will debate my arse of and most probably beat you…only those closest to me know that I have a good level of education only those closest hear me using that education and I do this for a few reasons firstly its good fun being ditzy it allows me to relax and be a more free spirit, but also, those people who judge me according to my knowledge or educational level have usually made up their minds that i’m dumb within the first few minutes…thank fuck for that! Cos I don’t need no obnoxious, patronising know it fuckheads wasting the precious air I breath :)…okay that’s probably a little judgy on my part, but hey I never said I was perfect :).

List ten things that make you really happy. 30 day writing challenge.

Ten whole things that make me happy…

The sun really makes me happy. In fact absolutely any heat source makes me feel really happy. I am by my very nature a very cold blooded person and my temperature rarely passes Luke warm. So when the suns heat falls on my skin and I can feel it warming me up it feels amazing, it fills me with a new level of energy that seeps into my blood and makes me want to skip and dance and sing…until the clouds come back over and I am left feeling cold and thirsty for that heat again.
The rain. I know this kind of conflicts with number one, but hey ho. I love the sound of rain tapping at the windows. I love the feel of rain falling down on my face. I love soft fine misty rain, I love hard pounding rain. I love to jump hard into puddles and watch as the water flies out in all directions. I love the sound of cars as they drive along rain drenched roads. I love the way drops fall down and form into puddles. I love the sound as it drips down guttering. I love the way it sprinkles through the leaves. I love the way it leaves huge drops that run down the windows and huge drops that sit lovingly on the leaves. But best of all I like to get entirely soaked by the rain. I like for my clothes to cling to my rain drenched skin I like my hair to lay flat to my face…I like to go home, remove all of the cold wet clothes, run a steaming hot bubble bath and jump in with hot sweet tea to drink and whatever amazing book I am reading at the time. I like to feel the hot water warming my body as I can hear the rain drops tapping at the bathroom window.
Good things happening to good people. No matter how big or how small I love to see good people have good things happen to them.
The good morning salute from strangers in the street. There is something so amazingly magical about being out early in the morning and acknowledging those around you.
Spaghetti Bolognaise covered in cheese and tomato sauce. This is my childhood favorite dinner and just the scent of this cooking is enough to send me back in time to those moments on a Saturday afternoon that I shared with my Dad, my friends, my brothers and my sisters.
The early morning. Before the world has woken up I like to sit and listen to complete silence. I like to watch the sky as it travels through an array of colours before the sun stretches her arms p and reaches out. I like to watch the stars disappear from view knowing that actually they never leave us, we simply cannot see them.
My cat Eddie, well all of my cats, but especially Eddie. Eddie (and his brother Emmet) was eleven days old when their mum got run over. I hand reared them and every day I didn’t believe they would survive and every day they got stronger. Eddie is now attached to my hip…or shoulder, or what ever body part he can perch himself on in an attempt to stay close to me at all times. He is a pest. He sleeps across my neck in the night and is often the cause of me being awake at stupid o’clock. But every time he nudges me for kisses, I know that he’s here because of the sacrifices I made. He is my little familiar.
The moon. The moon is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and each and every time I stop to look up at her my stomach does somersaults to see such beauty.
Who I have become makes me really happy. I am not what I dreamed I would become and I am much stronger than I believed I could be and there are no words for the paths I have taken and memories I have left behind me. I love myself. The reflection of me in a mirror makes me extremely happy but more than that it makes me extremely proud.
Number ten. I left the best till last. The number one thing that makes me really happy is my most amazing and beautiful daughter. She is the diamond in my world.

30 day writing challenge.

So I have writers block or at least a form of writers block. I have so many different things swimming around in my mind right now that i’m having difficulty deciding what should fall to page and what should remain inside my head. Such indecision is like poison to my creativity and so for now whilst I clear my mind I’m going to do a 30 day writing challenge :). This will allow me to continue writing whilst not having to delve to deeply into the new and fresh thoughts that are causing me so much chaos. It will also give everyone a great chance to get to know me better :).

30 Day Writing Challenge:

Found on Pinterest.