Restrictive looms.

Restriction of blood flow

a torrent of thoughts

with no place to go.

Limitations of reality

a soul destroying fatality.

Confinement. Confine me

within your walls of conformity

your abnormalities

displayed in crimson

blood against the walls

of society.

I am circumscribed by your delusional

realities

the inbred specialities

of commercialised

nationality.

Karen Hayward ©2015.

 

 

 

Something you always think…what if about? 30 day writing challenge.

This is a toughy of a question. I generally try to think of life without regret. Regret is no good for anyone, which means I spend very little time thinking about what if, what if is very much in the past. However there are a number of situations that when I consider what if, they make me appreciate that without doubt throughout my life there has been a greater force steering me in the right direction. So, I guess my what if question would start all those years ago in Scotland, what if my Dad had never discovered where about’s we were? What if cuddling up against my Dad on that long, long coach trip home had never become a memory. How different would I be now? Religion (Catholic) would without doubt be a driving force in my character, my accent would be harsh and coldness would be the only weather I knew! What if people’s decisions had been different, I could have known what life in the system was like, what if sacrifices hadn’t been made, I would have known a deep and resentful loneliness.

What if none of this happened, what if I had never misbehaved as a teenager, never known alcohol, never kissed a boy till marriage, never lifted my head up high enough to see the world. Would I still have become a poet? What would I write about? Would my words be an educated form of letters strung together by the grey and glued to the page with innocence? Where would my passion be? My desire to live? What if I had never discovered the joys of odd socks? Or the liberation of living a life where by my aim is to impress no one but myself?

I don’t want a life of what if’s. Those days have passed and become memories. It is always our choice how we recall the days gone and if we are in a constant state of what if then we are living in the past, one toe in the future filled with dread and fear. That is no life for anyone.

 

Karen Hayward ©2015.

 

 

Write about something for which you feel strongly. 30 day writing challenge.

Okay, something I feel strongly about. Wow this could take a while. I’ve already mentioned along the way a few things that are for me important issues, like, rudeness, it ain’t needed suck it up and say please, thank you or hell just give a knowing glance. I have also mentioned the anger that rises in me when I discover shops displaying flavoured chocolate next to milk chocolate, seriously you are posoining my senses! I love life, I love every aspect of it and there are o many things that I could talk about, things that will create fire inside of me and passion to spill out from my mouth, so for this reason I will give you a mini list.

1. Socks. Life is too short to wear matching socks and for this reason alone it should become acceptable practice to wear odd socks…with shorts or skirts or even dresses :).
2. Girl shaming, slut shaming and all the other stupid things I hear in regards to women that actually have an idea in regards to their sexuality is pathetic and needs to stop.
3. Siestas and naps need to become the norm here in the UK, no really they do, that way I wouldn’t feel so bad when I fall alseep on the couch two mins after I get in from the morning school run, no Jeremy Kyle for me!
4. The government should provide everyone with a cleaner, a cook and a gardener. Free of charge.
5. Sanitary goods, tampax, towels all of that, should not be taxed. It is not a luxury to get your period (although in fairness same may consider it to be one) I don’t buy these products out of luxury, I buy them because it is socially unacceptable to go shopping with a huge red patch in my jeans 🙂 Get  a grip on it.

 

Okay i’m going to cut my list short now and switch over to the serious stuff, now guys i’m sorry this is the bit where I show an entirely different side to myself. There are a handful of things I do feel strongly about, serious things, not that odd socks isn’t a serious matter though.

• Judging others. Firstly let’s define what I mean by judging. As humans it is a part of our nature to find our place within the society that we live. To do this we observe and compare. This is normal. It’s normal even to say to yourself that you are a better person then them, or that your dress is prettier, or your car better, this although not a pretty personality trait I consider normal. What I consider to be not normal, in fact this is something that makes my blood boil everytime and it will cause me to speak up, is when a person stands and judges someone on their misfortune. They stand and stare and comment and judge and simply watch. They don’t say,’hey I can see you need help.’ instead they throw the knives. They don’t say, ‘let me help you.’  they just whisper nastiness as the person struggles on.  Standing their fiddling your thumbs as a person is struggling does not in any way make you a better person.
• Education, I feel strongly believe that every child deserves the right to an education, I also however strongly believe that the education provided should be taylored to individual children. I think schools and the education board need to open their eye’s and see the reality. A child that is living in poverty does not need to be punished for not doing their reading homework, that child, that family need help, punishing the child is damaging, helping the family is enlightening.
• Confidence, belief and faith in my opinion are lessons that need teaching in schools, every day of every year. So no more children leave education without a belief in themselves, their body, their self worth or capability.

 

Writing this short, at least in my opinion short piece has shown me once again that I am a chatterbox and I can talk about anything!  I could keep going and going some more, but I have porridge that needs eating :).

 

Karen Hayward © 2015.

Words of wisdom that speak to me. 30 day writing challenge.

Okay so i’m pretty sure that the words of wisdom that I live my life by are actually a combination of great things said by great people which I have then processed and converted to fit into my own ideologies. However here they are :).

1. Never, ever go to bed or walk away angry. This is such an important thing to me and unfortunately something my hubby doesn’t agree on, which often leaves me feeling devastated! So, why? Why do I believe that anger should always be resolved straight away. Apart from the obvious that you don’t know what will happen at any given moment in time, my love for a person, whether that is a friend or a lover or a family member, is and always will be stronger than any anger I can feel.
2. That whole flower quote, if you love it leave it to grow malarky, hell yeah.
3. Wet clothes take them off…yep, totally if you get caught in the rain then you need to take the wet clothes off, otherwise that coldness will seep right through to your bones. Best wait till you get home though, cos otherwise you might get some filthy looks stripping in the rain!
4. Do the hard stuff first. Whether this is eating the yucky bit of a dinner first or tackling the hard chores first. It makes a difference. Once as the hard bit is out of the way I can sit back and truly enjoy what is in front of me.
5. If you can, then do. If I can help someone then I will. If I can stop and let that person in the morning have a chat with me, then I will. If I can reach the top shelf and you can’t then I will. If I can be a shoulder whilst you cry, I will. If I have what you need, and I don’t need it, then I will. There aren’t a great deal of things in life that I can do to help others. But everything I can do, I do. I do it because I want to. I do it because I know how it feels to not be seen, so if I can see a person then I will.
6. Always think a few steps ahead.
7. Fuck it. Sometimes you gotta sit back say fuck it and just enjoy the show. Things happen for a reason and there ain’t always something you can do about that.So relax. You’ll soon discover the reason.
8. Never get shampoo in your eyes…that shit hurts, if you do then a wet cold flannel will help. Milk also helps.
9. If there’s a puddle walk through it. If there’s a rainbow stop and look at it.
10. Always stop what you are doing to give a child your full attention. Your actions teach a child how to become an adult. Don’t ever forget that.
11. If there’s lego, build.
12. Paints, paint. No one cares what the end result looks like. Paint for your soul not for the eyes of others.
13. Stop letting the opinions of others take up residency in your head. They are often as lost as you and they have their own battle to fight. Ignore them, smile and move on.
14. If it makes your heart sing and your soul skip a beat, do it, do it daily, do it hourly.

Ok that’s my list. I’m sure i have more, in fact I think my entire existance is based on words of wisdom. 🙂

 

Karen Hayward (2015) ©

List five places you want to visit. 30 day writing challenge.

 

I love this question, mainly because it does not specify that these places have to have been scientifically proven to exist!

1. To the depths of hell…who’s with me? I mean seriously this place of fire and ruin has been written about pretty much since the dawn of time and yet no one has actually been there taken a picture and come back. I feel a little sorry for the guy, constantly judged because he has a crappy landlord that won’t fix the heating!
2. America, route 66…I really just wanna see behind the scenes of America, are there really eyes in the hills? :). This is actually a true destination I would like to visit. I do like the idea of travelling in areas that have been untouched by modern day society.
3. The northern lights. We’ve all seen those little glass roofed huts that are constantly being advertised over on facebook right? I would love to lay back covered in blankets and just stare up at those amazing colours.
4. Camping, I want to go camping so deep in the woods that I can actually close my eyes and pretend that society does not exist. Here in the UK our woods really aren’t all that vast, in fact the woods up the road from me, if you look hard enough through the branches you can see the road the other side…and a couple of druggies along the way!
5. Lastly, I saw an image of a beach, the sand is covered in sea glass of a million different colours. I would like to go there. I love sea glass and I find it so mesmerising to imagine that this small piece of glass has been crashed against sand, stone and sea debris, has had waves of destruction crash down upon it and it has survived more beautiful than ever.

Karen Hayward (Copyright 2015)

Sisterhood of the world bloggers.

 

Wow Firyal18 what an amazing honor, I cannot thank you enough that you have nominated me for this award. Thank you, you’re amazing :).

Okay guys, ladies chaps and all you pretty things, you know how this works, there are rules, there are always rules. Firstly go drop by the wonderful Firyal18 blog, just go ahead and click upon her name and you will be transported over to some amazing poetry, thoughts and truly fantastic words.

Ok then let’s get these rules out the way so I can have some fun with the super fantastic questions.

Firstly the award logo must be displayed openly on the recipient’s blog site! Check…go look up top and there it is, the amazing Sisterhood of the world bloggers award.
Next, thank the amazing person that nominated you and put up for mention via a link that easily takes one back to their own sites! Hey guys technology ain’t my thing but fingers crossed you click on her name and boom you’re over with her sipping tea and eating biccies.

Firyal18 gets to ask me ten questions and I gotta answer them all :).

And lastly this torch needs to keep on moving, so pass along to ten more amazing bloggers along with ten more amazing questions.

 

Firyal18 asked me the following questions, thank you :).
1. What is your greatest fear?

My greatest fear, dear God I actually have a lot of fears but the majority of them I am in control of. I fear spiders, but someones gotta be the spider catcher in our house and that’s me, so I suck it up close my eyes and shoo the little buggars out the window! I’m also scared of the dark and fear waking up in the night to a power cut! I fear the devil which is odd as I write about him so often but in reality the concept of the devil and evil causes me huge amounts of fear. I ‘m gonna go ahead and say that my biggest fear, the fear I have never been able to get a handle on is…roller coasters that go upside down. Or any ride that goes upside down. That feeling of being upside down causes a primal raw reaction in me I panic extremely panic, just thinking about it makes me want to hide in a corner!
2. What inspires you?

I am inspired by emotions. Pleasure, pain, excitement, loss, hurt, love, lust. Emotions let of an energy that most people are unaware of and for me, seeing that energy is easy. The deeper I feel an emotion the more inspired I am to write about it. The emotions are not always my own, sometimes it’s something I’ve seen or something someone has said to me.I am also greatly inspired by nature and find it an amazing medium to work with, through nature I can express thoughts in a more private and sensitive way, through the storms that crash down onto us to the moons shy and crying light that falls for her dying stars. Nature gives me an outlet for the emotions.
3. What are your pet peeves?

Rude people!! Oh my goodness I hate rude people! Why are people rude? I’ve never really understood how people can be so cut of from the world that they believe they are the only ones that exist.

Traffic lights, seriously people just wait for the bloody green man before you cross, is it really that bloody hard!

Bullshit…that’s a pet peeve, when people go on about honesty and with hold a load of stuff, cos you know with holding isn’t lying an all and for me with holding is the one that’s gonna break my trust.Cos when you with hold information it invalidates every single word you have ever said.
4. What are the three things that can’t be missing in your bag?

A bag. I don’t carry a bag they’re just things that get on my nerves they’re extra things I have to carry and remember and they move and you have to keep putting it back on your shoulder and my goodness it’s a lot of hard work! If it don’t fit in my pocket it ain’t coming with me!

However the thing I won’t leave home without is actually my keys, it’s a security thing, even if i’m out with hubby and he has keys, I still always take my keys with me!
5. What are you excited about right now?

Nothing :(.
6. Why do you blog?

It was start blogging or get myself committed into an asylum! I originally set up my blog under the recommendations of my creative writing tutor. I continue with my blog because writing gives my soul a little teeny tiny piece of freedom.
7. Do you like being female? Why?

Tough question…no. As crazy as it sounds I don’t like being female. I don’t like that every month I get a period a constant reminder that I am female. I don’t like that every single fucking man thinks my tits are there for him to look at…nope, fuck off, eyes up. I hate the fact that as a female writer of erotic poetry my inbox goes into over drive every time I write about sex…seriously boys grow up, cos I write it don’t mean I want it! And do men have this problem? If a man write a little sexy poem does his inbox suddenly go into over drive…no didn’t think so! I don’t like that as a female there are expectations of my behaviour… I must like shopping cos I got tits and pussy…nope. I must be soppy and soft hearted and floral skirts high heeled shoes…cos I got tit and a pussy, again nope. Here, here, here have all this pink stuff cos your a girl and you must love pink….no, go away, fuck you!
8. The word that best describe you will be……

Forgiving…until the point where I find you playing me, then I am the most unforgiving person you will find.
9. What’s the craziest thing you’ve ever done?

I do crazy daily! Most crazy…skinny dipping 🙂 ha ha

Waking up one morning and deciding it was time for me to finish my education…signed up to start my degree couple of hours later!

So hard to find crazy when so much of what I do is crazy!
20. What does fulfilment mean to you?

Oh I don’t actually know. Fulfillment suggests that our needs have been fully met and we are completely at peace, but our needs change daily so I’m not sure that we can ever truly know what fulfillment is or how we could reach it.

I’m not going crazy am I, this does say question 20!?

 

Okay so i’ve done the hard bit 🙂 Tommorrow I will go about tagging ten lovely bloggers to carry on this marvelous award. Again Firyal18 thank you so, so, so much :).

30 day writing challenge-Write something that somebody told you about yourself that you never forgot

Apparently I cannot read or understand the basics of math. Day two of the writing challenge should have been “Write something that somebody told you about yourself that you never forgot” and day three should have been pet peeves. Oh well, wouldn’t have helped anyway, as I still have nothing for this question, at least nothing good.  I really want to tell you that at some point in my life someone stopped me and whispered words of wisdom to me that gave me strength and courage in the darker days. But the truth is this has not happened, people didn’t believe me, they couldn’t believe in me I gave them nothing to believe in. Don’t get me wrong, my dad has always been a huge believer in me and I know growing up there are a million things he told me that I will never forget and at the same time never remember because he did it in such a way that he whispered these things into my spirit and soul. So instead I choose to tell you about those people that told me I was worthless; those people who could not look me in the eye and even acknowledge my existence, those people that gave up on me long before I had even considered giving up on myself. There was a time when I did it for you, to prove you wrong so that one day you might stand and see what it was that you walked away from, and then I realised I was no longer doing it for anyone other than myself. I became what you believed I never could and still it isn’t enough for you.

The question “and never forgot.” suggests something that has been said to me many years before and as I’ve thought this question over time and time again I keep falling onto the same person, but it’s not something they said that I will never forget, it’s something that they saw. They saw past all of my darkness and still liked what was left. That is something that in the future, when our year becomes years, I will never forget.

30 days writing challenge. 3 Pet peeves.

 

Three pet peeves. I’m writing this today rather than tomorrow because we have quite the storm raging through at the moment, which means I wont sleep well tonight because storms scare the hell out of me and I will spend the entire night imagining the tree in the garden coming smashing through my bedroom window 🙂 and also tomorrows a busy day, so in case the wind takes out the internet I will post it now and forever be a step ahead on my 30 days writing challenges 🙂

Three pet peeves. Wow the first one really should be the fact that you’re only letting me choose three! Okay so this question needed a lot of thought. I am a really patient person and I will forgive people in the bat of an eye lid and yet I actually have a whole long list of pet peeves. However, my top pet peeve has to be rudeness. If I side step on the path to let you past, I didn’t do it because you are more worthy of that space than me, I did it to be polite so you know what?look up and bloody well say thank you it doesn’t hurt, there wont be any sparks or fireworks just because you acknowledged that there are others in the world besides yourself. This kind of rudeness annoys me at the best of times and the only people who I expect nothing from are the elderly, those that have a blank stare and the flustered mum that is attempting to keep control and can just about manage a weak smile that screams please help me!  But seriously if you wander past me with your nose stuck in the air and you got your kids at your side then you need to be ashamed, but more than that, you need to know that in ten years time when you are screaming at the top of your lungs that your kid has no respect for you or anyone else, then you need to know that you created that. If you go around believeing that you are more worthy of that space than others, you teach your children that this behaviour is both normal and expected, so when they come of age they behave the way they saw you behave. Good luck with that and until that day comes yep, you did hear right when you went waltzing past me.

Second pet peeve. Please, I beg you, do not ignore me.  If you want to see a calm delicate flower go bat shit crazy on your arse and start throwing plates then by all means ignore me. But I promise when I blow, I truly blow and I will bring your whole entire world crumbling around your feet. All I ask is that you have enough respect for me that you verbally answer me, that’s all.

 

Ok so trying to dwindle down what my third pet peeve is going to be and I am going to go with, people who judge other people. You see a little pattern here? I’m not a huge fan of rude people. Okay, judging. What on earth makes a person think that they can judge someone based on how they look, so fucking what about how they look, how somene looks does not make them a good or bad person, their fucking personality does that! Okay i’ll let you into a secret I have two sides to my personality, I have a ditzy i’m gonna ask all the stupid questions cos yo knowsomeone has to and it may as well be me, and then I have the side that is educated and can and will debate my arse of and most probably beat you…only those closest to me know that I have a good level of education only those closest hear me using that education and I do this for a few reasons firstly its good fun being ditzy it allows me to relax and be a more free spirit, but also, those people who judge me according to my knowledge or educational level have usually made up their minds that i’m dumb within the first few minutes…thank fuck for that! Cos I don’t need no obnoxious, patronising know it fuckheads wasting the precious air I breath :)…okay that’s probably a little judgy on my part, but hey I never said I was perfect :).

 

Karen Hayward (copyright 2015)

List ten things that make you really happy. 30 day writing challenge.

Ten whole things that make me happy…

1. The sun really makes me happy. In fact absolutely any heat source makes me feel really happy. I am by my very nature a very cold blooded person and my temperature rarely passes Luke warm. So when the suns heat falls on my skin and I can feel it warming me up it feels amazing, it fills me with a new level of energy that seeps into my blood and makes me want to skip and dance and sing…until the clouds come back over and I am left feeling cold and thirsty for that heat again.
2. The rain. I know this kind of conflicts with number one, but hey ho. I love the sound of rain tapping at the windows. I love the feel of rain falling down on my face. I love soft fine misty rain, I love hard pounding rain. I love to jump hard into puddles and watch as the water flies out in all directions. I love the sound of cars as they drive along rain drenched roads. I love the way drops fall down and form into puddles. I love the sound as it drips down guttering. I love the way it sprinkles through the leaves. I love the way it leaves huge drops that run down the windows and huge drops that sit lovingly on the leaves. But best of all I like to get entirely soaked by the rain. I like for my clothes to cling to my rain drenched skin I like my hair to lay flat to my face…I like to go home, remove all of the cold wet clothes, run a steaming hot bubble bath and jump in with hot sweet tea to drink and whatever amazing book I am reading at the time. I like to feel the hot water warming my body as I can hear the rain drops tapping at the bathroom window.
3. Good things happening to good people. No matter how big or how small I love to see good people have good things happen to them.
4. The good morning salute from strangers in the street. There is something so amazingly magical about being out early in the morning and acknowledging those around you.
5. Spaghetti Bolognaise covered in cheese and tomato sauce. This is my childhood favorite dinner and just the scent of this cooking is enough to send me back in time to those moments on a Saturday afternoon that I shared with my Dad, my friends, my brothers and my sisters.
6. The early morning. Before the world has woken up I like to sit and listen to complete silence. I like to watch the sky as it travels through an array of colours before the sun stretches her arms p and reaches out. I like to watch the stars disappear from view knowing that actually they never leave us, we simply cannot see them.
7. My cat Eddie, well all of my cats, but especially Eddie. Eddie (and his brother Emmet) was eleven days old when their mum got run over. I hand reared them and every day I didn’t believe they would survive and every day they got stronger. Eddie is now attached to my hip…or shoulder, or what ever body part he can perch himself on in an attempt to stay close to me at all times. He is a pest. He sleeps across my neck in the night and is often the cause of me being awake at stupid o’clock. But every time he nudges me for kisses, I know that he’s here because of the sacrifices I made. He is my little familiar.
8. The moon. The moon is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen and each and every time I stop to look up at her my stomach does somersaults to see such beauty.
9. Who I have become makes me really happy. I am not what I dreamed I would become and I am much stronger than I believed I could be and there are no words for the paths I have taken and memories I have left behind me. I love myself. The reflection of me in a mirror makes me extremely happy but more than that it makes me extremely proud.
10. Number ten. I left the best till last. The number one thing that makes me really happy is my most amazing and beautiful daughter. She is the diamond in my world.

 

Karen Hayward (copyright) 2015.

30 day writing challenge.

So I have writers block or at least a form of writers block. I have so many different things swimming around in my mind right now that i’m having difficulty deciding what should fall to page and what should remain inside my head. Such indecision is like poison to my creativity and so for now whilst I clear my mind I’m going to do a 30 day writing challenge :). This will allow me to continue writing whilst not having to delve to deeply into the new and fresh thoughts that are causing me so much chaos. It will also give everyone a great chance to get to know me better :).

Found on Pinterest.